Back when I was a wee carefree lass who had no children and no money issues, I saw a tremendous amount of movies in the theater. It was, by far, my pastime of choice. I love old movies, and indie movies, and action movies, and psychological thrillers. I mean, if it was in the theater, there was a good chance that I was going to see it before you did. But now that I am old and a mommy and movies are an event that involve popcorn and 3d glasses and fights about blue slurpees and sneaking cups and drinks into the theater in my giant Mary Poppins bag, I don’t typically get to see the movies I want to. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t convince the kids that they wanted to see Black Swan. I was all, “but, you guys! It’s like Barbie Swan Lake…only with more girl-on-girl kissing!” and surprisingly, they just weren’t biting.

So, I usually end up seeing movies, like, on a three-month time delay. For example, I finally just saw The Fighter last week. I am kicking myself, obviously, because oh my heavenly days was that a fantastic film. But, had I seen this movie a few months ago, say, before the Academy Awards, I could have understood just how ridiculously deserving both Christian Bale and Melissa Leo were of those statues.

This week I finally got around to seeing NY, I Love You. Ever since seeing those pictures of Natalie Portman on set as a Chasidic woman, I wanted to see the film. As a lover of New York in general, and one of those rare sorts who digs the idea of 11 directors coming together to film 11 different short stories and mashing them all together into one movie, I was all over it. And I was going to forgive the fact that Shia Labeouf was in it because my old man crush Eli Wallach was in it.

And I was just sitting around wondering a while back…HEY, what on earth happened to Ethan Hawke after he diddled the nanny? I mean, he was TROY DYER, for god’s sake. Like, teenageAli’s ideal fictional character. He was right up there with Trip Fontaine and Ben Covington and Jake Ryan and Jordan Catalano. But then he just sort of fell off the Hollywood radar, didn’t he? Did he marry that nanny? I think he did…Hrmm.She had a baby, maybe? Anyway, just as I was about to write him off, BAM, he shows up in this NY, I Love You movie and plays one of the most likable characters in the movie.

Anyway, all of this is to ask you, dear readers, if anyone out there has seen this movie. Because, you guys, I have been able to think of nothing else since seeing this movie. One of the 11 snippets, the one that was done by Anthony Minghella, has left me in a current state of this…

For those playing at home, what you are looking at is my WTFBBQ?!??!? face. Because, well, here, let me set the scene for you. A very lovely Julie Christie come into a house? hotel? house? hotel? and is taken to her room by The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Shia Labeouf) who not only has a weird accent, but is also a closetalker.

Then he brings flowers and then gets a really bad bloody nose. Then Julie Christie puts on a wedding dress and watched the hunchback fall out of a floor-to-ceiling open window. And then she’s all…Hey, close the window! It’s cold in here!

Again…