Deal breakers.

We all have them.

If your woman makes you live in a city without a professional hockey team, that’s a deal breaker. This is the husband’s.

If your man makes you go on a cruise, that’s a deal breaker. This is mine.

Obviously, this wasn’t my one and only deal breaker. There are other ones involving toenail clipping in bed or wearing sweatpants in public or having weird hobbies like serial killing or taxidermy or something. But the no cruises thing? HUGE. And I’m not talking about the Tom kind, although that one is kind of a deal breaker too, unless he looks like Les Grossman. No, I’m talking about those giant germ-infested, vomit-inducing floating prison vessels.

Now, I’m all for cheesy entertainment and eating with random elderly travelers from Lansing, Michigan. I am certainly not above these things. And round-the-clock food? I am definitely a huge fan of this concept. Visiting several places on one trip is certainly enticing, especially since I have kind of been nowhere.

Alas, my anti-cruise reasons are two-fold:

The motion of the ocean. Now, all you cruise people are all…oh, it’s so not a big deal. You just take some medication or wear one of those patches and you are totally fine. And usually it’s only rough seas for, like, 2 days of the trip and really, if you just avoid the alcohol and things like reading, you should be okay. Uh huh. Two days of rough seas? Why on earth would I choose that? Why would I want to have to take MEDICINE that will make me sleepy? I can sleep at home, thankyouverymuch.  Um, and no drinking or reading? Those are very high on my list of things to do on vacation. Sounds awesome.

The (OMG!!!) Norwalk virus. I swear, I read a report of a norovirus breakout on a cruise ship almost daily. Yes, yes, yes I realize that there are places besides cruise ships to pick up these highly contagious stomach viruses and the percentage is actually pretty low and it only seems high because the CDC requires cruise lines to report all of their outbreaks. You can spit out all these facts all you want. I know them. I have researched them. But, you all, OUTBREAKS. Do I really want to chance it?

I’d rather keep my sea legs and sea ass parked on land at an all-inclusive resort. Sure, you only get to see one place…but you still get all the cheesy entertainment and you get to meet the random randoms and you even get the round-the-clock food. And I don’t have to wear patches or take sleep-inducing medications and I can drink and read all I want.

Sounds pretty awful, doesn’t it?