(thanks for the nightmares, worth1000.com, thanks.)

(i’m sorry, Metalia, i know he creeps you out too. OF COURSE HE DOES)

anyhoo. back to the snooze. i’m usually and three-peat snoozer. my clock is set to 6:05. i hit it again at 6:14 and then again at 6:23…and make my way into the shower at 6:32. why not just set the clock for 6:30 you may ask…but seriously, there’s NOTHING better than those stolen minutes of morning sleep. when no one is jumping next to your face in bed begging to watch some princess movie or yo gabba gabba or asking for breakfast or chocolate milk or help with their hair. BLISS. my showers, however, usually involve a little girl standing outside saying random things like “mommy, you know what? my clock and your clock say the same thing!” or “mommy, you know what? i can jump the highest on Jill’s trampoline!” or “mommy, you know what? i really like elephants” or “mommy, i can see your pagina!” (um, duh, i’m in the shower. a place i should be allowed to be nude in PEACE) so, in other words, not blissful.

my baby brother arrives today to help me wrangle the twelve girls who will be sleeping on my family room floor tomorrow night join us in Emily’s birthday weekend. i probably should stop using the term baby, since, um, dude is 23. but speaking of babies…i got to see my baby niece on skype, which isn’t the same thing, but hoo boy, i was almost in tears at how ridiculously cute my nieces are and how excited i am to be only a three-hour-drive away next year (what’s that? you have heard enough about my move to atlanta?)

just look at this face.

(that should help getting past the scary, scary Robin Williams image)

i have an random office-related question. how does your office handle birthdays? i mean, do you have a Dunder Mifflinesque Jim-and-Dwightish party planning committee?

(sorry…still laughing at the balloons from Kelly’s party)

(hahha)

in my office we send around a birthday card (in a file folder. this fact is significant) for everyone to sign. we used to do the whole awkward pretend it’s a surprise but it’s never really a surprise and everyone gets together in a room to say happy birthday festivities…but we gave that the AX. then we used to get together once a month for cake (mmm…cake) but all the cake haters gave that the AX too. so, now it’s just the card.

my desk is the place the card goes to die.

always. there’s always an email my poor friend Tamara (who somehow got roped into the annoying job of card keeper) has to send around looking for the missing card. and guess where it always is?? ON MY DESK. because you all, it’s a file folder (see? i told you significant). you know how many file folders i have on my desk? 847. it tends to blend. so now i have to go and return the file folder.

sheesh.

couldn’t we just bring back the cake?

but it’s Monday. Monday! and it’s OCTOBER! and there’s no black Friday (boo!). it feels weird, but it’s food. so, who am i to complain? i love food. i love eating it. and cooking it. and baking it. and serving it. and learning about it.

yes, it’s true. you read that right. learning about it.

and luckily for me, i get to learn about food this week. (like the segue there?) McDonalds Canada and The McDonald’s Moms Quality Correspondents have invited me to join their team. To be one of five mom correspondents. To take an unprecedented journey behind the scenes at both the McDonald’s Canada headquarters in Toronto and their global headquarters in Oak Brook, Illinois. To be there as McDonald’s gives moms across Canada a behind-the-scenes and behind-the-counters look. To be there for the truthiness. to dispel rumors. to answer questions – my questions AND yours.

I’ll be honest. i don’t really eat at McDonald’s…unless you count the occasional coffee. (but, truth be told, as Miss Vodkarella and i have discussed, the iced coffee? the cream? the CREAM! it’s all cream! that was a big mistake! This, of course, is something i want to talk to them about…) but i still want to know. and i’m super impressed that McDonald’s wants us to know.

i’ve been talking to people about this and they are all excited to get their questions asked…and to actually get an answer. They want to know whether or not there is any lard still used in the french fries. They want to know that when they order Chicken McNuggets that they are actually getting, well, chicken. They want to know what happened to the pizza?

they want to know what their healthier options are, if there are any. They want to know about the eggs in egg McMuffins. are they real? They want to know how the apples stay so darn fresh and keep from turning brown.

they want to know.

and i want to know.

and i’m going to get answers.

so, let’s have it! your best question to ask the McDonald’s bigwigs! What do YOU want to know??!?!?!

besides how it is that my son is so darn cute?

but seriously, look at me. not only am i using a hula hoop.. AT WORK…but somehow i agreed to be a team captain for our second annual third floor bbq and games jamboree (still probably not the official name) and yes, of course, there was a first. and i did get me a fancy fake tattoo again (only this time it’s on the inside of my wrist. and i cannot fucking get it off. begone damn butterfly!!)

(also..now i really want a REAL tattoo. for serious)

(also…not a butterfly)

(i’m thinking a peach – because i’m a Georgia peach. get it? – on my pelvic bone. whattayathink? haha…or i could just get me a giant beer bottle, since that would work for the midwest AND the canadian in me. ahem.)

also, does anyone use mySpace?

the only thing i’ve ever really used it for was checking out new bands. because, seriously, for music, myspace is AWESOME. but for someone like me? what exactly do i need yet another social network for?? i was just wondering if anyone uses it. i went into my account yesterday for the first time, since, um, like 2006. anyone? anyone? bueller?

Isabella’s birthday isn’t until August 15th. but on that day we are mailing her pacis all to Yo Gabba Gabba and Elijah Wood. (this was the suggestion of a blogger friend…scifidad, maybe? i really actually can’t remember, my brain is fried from the apocalyptic golf-ball sized hailstorm we had yesterday while the sun was shining. or maybe it’s from all the numa numa)

of course we are sending it to yo gabba gabba…because there’s a party in her tummy!!

so yummy! so yummy!

anyway…so, she is losing patience and wants her party NOW.

so, we agreed to let her have a birthday party today. (she’s thinking..hahah, suckers!) so, we’ve rounded up all the nannies to bring over all her best friends to come over for lunch and cake (the husband actually went out this morning and bought a cake and had them draw a PACIFIER on it!) and a paci-send-off.

WHO’S THE SUCKER NOW, iSABELLA? we totally tricked you into giving up your pacis 2 months early. hahah, sucker!

all in one piece.

alive and well.

unscathed.

at work.

Canadians sure are weenies. We live in a city where it snows. a lot. hell, it has pretty much snowed every single day since the beginning of December. It’s not like snow in Jerusalem. We should be prepared for winter storms. all it takes is a little common sense. drive slowly. and carefully.

and don’t make any unnecessary stops.

shut it…the stop at starbucks was completely necessary this morning…mmm…grande skinny vanilla latte..

i did, though, see a man do a complete 360 about 5 times on the 407 in his civic. but he clearly wasn’t following the ali drive-like-a-granny to work rules.

i complained to my husband about this stupid city. i asked for two things (the same two things i always ask for….a move to Atlanta and some snow tires for the Civic) and then my uggs and i braved the “winter storm”

i voted last night. online. fancy. i’ve been semi-reluctant to vote. Clinton. Obama. Clinton. Obama. i’ve been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. and those stinking online tests didn’t help either. one said Clinton and one said Obama. damnit. to. hell.

i need a Clibama candidate. then it would be easy. (i can’t take credit for that. it came from Mom101…who got it from Girl’s Gone Child) truth be told, i will back a Democrat…whichever Democrat ends up on the ticket. but for now, in a sheer moment of panic…i chose.

so, now that i am at work…i better get back to doing what i do best. and today, i’m searching for images of the “finger-in-the-box trick” honest to god, i cannot make this shit up. when it was placed in front of me…i thought….hmm…coming off of the vocal cord shots i had to find that certainly looked less like vocal cords and more like, erm, vaginas.

case it point:

i’m no longer sure this body magazine is going to be appropriate for classroom use. fingers in boxes? and the kicker is…if i don’t find a usable image…we need to do a photoshoot.

ahahaha.

i crack myself up. sad, really. i best get my mind out of the gutter and into the stock agencies.

also..come over and visit me at Juice today…we’ve got all sorts of good stuff…like John Mayer in the Borat mankini…

(yes, it IS every bit as creepy as it looks. my job is awesome.)

and she got to see how we put the ‘school’ in ‘ [insert company name here]‘ around these parts. she’s right. my office is like a high school. we have lockers, people. lockers! (and mine has this extra fancy horse sticker that i can’t seem to take off…) and the cafeteria dynamics of who sits with who. and there are hacky-sackers. even the gossip around here is like high school…”did you hear that x is sleeping with y in the sick room?” yes, that’s right, we have a sick room. and a YEARBOOK. we have a yearbook.

an entire book filled with pictures like these. and yes, that’s me in the picture above. and yes, if you are following my Working Closet group on flickr, you will notice laugh that i wore that exact. same. outfit. on tuesday.

yes, it’s high school. but i kind of love it.

it’s getting to relive high school. except i get paid to do it. and there are no tests. (unless you count the email ‘who should you vote for in the next US election’ that went around. in case you are wondering, it put me at Barack Obama, 74%) oh, and there’s no detention for wearing skirts that are too short. because, just like my actual high school, i would be spending a lot of time there.

case in point…me, circa yesterday:

(you are so loving the stripey knee-highs. i know)

oh, and I’m fairly certain we don’t have a water club…but i wouldn’t put it past us…

what’s your office like?

him: not even if i turn on that movie you like?

me: okay fine. let’s go.

you are now left wondering two things…a) what movie was it? School of Cock? Shaving Ryan’s Privates? Gangbangs of New York? Pulp Friction? Breast Side Story? (i could go all day with these names, fyi) and b) wow…that Ali is an easy sell.

answer to a)

no, i’m not kidding. and no, horror movies don’t usually do it for me. scratch that. horror movies don’t EVER do it for me.

although, this is not that shabby to look at:

answer to b) yes, Ali is usually an easy sell. but in truth, Ali was three sheets to the wind. and just didn’t want to watch any more food network.

seriously…all we watch nowadays is the food network. and just remember this is Food Network Canada…which is like Clark Griswold’s cousin Eddie. it means well, but it’s just a little, well, off.

sure, there are a few shows i enjoy. Restaurant Makeover, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes. but i swear, if i have to watch Rob Rainford make any more crap on his show Licence to Grill, i’m gonna throw down. and it’s not going to be pretty.

there is a machine i need for my blanket business. to do the edging around the fleece. usually, i do it by hand…but it takes me a little less than 90 minutes. with a machine, it would take a little less than 90 seconds. I could get my business up online and could handle more orders.

i finally found the machine i need:

guess how much it costs….just give a guess…

ah…relax….it’s certainly not as exciting as is could be. a) it’s fake and b) it was done at work. by a co-worker. during the first annual third floor bbq and games jamboree (probably not the official name). i’ll admit it…i was a little bit nervous about having ‘forced fun’ at work. during lunch…when everyone else could watch from inside the cafeteria. and point and laugh. but it was pretty fun! i had a good time! i met some new people and got to hang out with my friends. and unfortunately for my team (the wedgies…huh?) i ring-toss and frisbee throw and break balloons with my ass about as well as i play softball.

and there were cupcakes. how could anything that involves cupcakes possibly be bad?

can you all do me a favor and go and send my good friend haley-o some good wishes?? she’s going through something tough right now. some family stuff that she can’t talk about on her site. trust me on this one, i’ve been where she is. twice. and it’s awful. and hard. and scary. and sad. and exhausting. she can use some love today.

if you get a chace, come pop over and say hi to me over at my fabulous site. i’m pretty sure that Becca actually being pro-active and actually finishing her book has been a big eye opener to me…and i might finally have the kick in the proverbial balls that i need to get my novel off the c drive and onto the bookshelf.

 

the day will end in one of two ways. either i will be getting myself a brand-spanking new monitor, or i will be having a seizure.

my job sure is fun…

(i’m now wondering if my wonky screenshot of my wonky computer screen only looks wonky to me….please let me know…)

(damnit to hell…i have now moved to another computer because the screen was so bad…all smudged-like…and it seems the screenshot is only f^&*ed up on THAT computer…so this post is no longer funny or interesting…maybe i’ll take it down…)

and, folks, you’ll be pleased to know that after many intense rounds, that i – yes, yours truly – am the official mancala champion of the third floor. and i won me an Uncle John’s bathroom reader. so, yay for me.

unfortunately though, the satisfaction of winning still doesn’t make up for the fact that apparently people out there think i’ve been lying about how much i weigh, my scale must be broken, and i’m obviously…well, fat (you will have to scroll down to see the nastiness in all its glory). this one hurt. and it hurt deep. and i have to say, it has really opened my eyes. i can finally understand why there are so many anorexic, bulimic, herion-addicted, cigarette-smoking, and/or alcoholic celebrities. i would hardly consider myself a celebrity…but i guess whenever you put yourself out there in the public eye…there are always going to be rude, obnoxious, hateful, hurtful people. luckily for me, i’ve only got one. but real celebs have many. tens. hundreds possibly.

and you can’t win, right. either you make the cover of US magazine because you are too fat or because you are too anorexic or because you marry some crazy guy who jumps on couches and converts you to scientology and doesn’t let you talk or because you go nutty and start whacking baseball bats at cars and shave your head. Celebs just can’t win, can they?

and ever so coincidentally, thanks to a few lovely internets, like her and her, i found out that today just happens to be:

Stop Cyberbullying Day

today we have a potluck lunch at work. we have these every so often when someone’s getting married or having a baby or leaving. They are always a little bit awkward and uncomfortable. At least this time i’m not on the South Beach diet…

I signed up to bring something dessert-y. and i had full intentions to bake chocolate chip cookies last night. but, i was downtown at the Eaton Centre trying on clothes with Jen and Katie (the style guru) from Urbanmoms. (a little side note…Katie is British. i had no idea. i was so completely thrown off. almost as much as i was when i found out that House was British…mmm…House…) Yessiree. i’m going to be a “Mom Model” at the Urbanmoms gala.

anyway, back to the reason why i didn’t bake. oh, yes, and then i got home, sent my fish to a better place (“all drains lead to the ocean!”), consoled my sad kids, and worked on a rush blanket order for a baby named Raen. has anyone ever heard of this name before? spelled this way? for a boy???

so…i didn’t bake. so, i used some good old fashioned ingenuity and figured i’d stop at Loblaws on my way in to work this morning. only one small little snag. doesn’t open until 8. bah. so, i ended up in the Tim Hortons drive-thru. (which is no surprise, since i find myself there every day anyway) and i bought timbits and cookies.

how’s that for ingenuity? who doesn’t like donuts?

okay…i know i said i wasn’t going to talk about Survivor, since it’s quite possibly the worst.season.ever. of this show…but i do have a question. on the last episode, i believe it was two weeks ago, they showed a clip of what we thought was a sea snake shedding its skin. what, in fact, it looks like is a sea snake throwing up another sea snake. the husband and i watched the scene about 45 times trying to figure out what we were watching. it was like a train wreck. and it wasn’t just us! Becca‘s husband Jason said the same. exact. thing!

so, i’ve now got video. decide for yourself.

American Idol – Top 11. it’s British Invasion night. and Paula is drunk again and her voice cracks like a teenager in heat. Ryan makes a fool out of himself on stage and i just want to put him in my pocket. Sanjaya makes a little girl cry.

the good:

Lakisha – girl can sing, even if tonight was slightly on the boring side. she should take some risks…since she CAN.

Melinda - what’s there to say. amazing.

Jordin - i want her to win this thing. she’s great.

Blake - i’m finding Blake incredibly sexy. and he’s got a good voice too. but mostly he’s sexy.

Chris R. - definitely his best yet. maybe it’s because he wasn’t doing any of that headbopping.

Chris S. - i love this song. from the beautiful girls soundtrack. great choice. loved it!

Hayley - she gets the slutty vote. as the only eye candy in the top 11, and one of the weakest voices, she uses what she’s got. and Simon’s right. it will keep her in the competition. at least another few weeks.

the meh:

Gina - STOP. SHOUTING. GINA.

Phil – was that sweat on his shirt???? it was really hard to concentrate on his singing since i was zeroed in on the shirt…but at least i wasn’t paying attention to the ears this week!

the bad:

Sanjaya - yes, better than he’s been. but, all in all, i thought it was horrific. and the creep factor was way, way high.

Stephanie - she can’t compete with Lakisha and Melinda. she just can’t.

bottom three? Sanjaya, Stephanie, Phil. going home? should be Sanjaya…but i’m guessing Phil