1. Nine.
    When did this become this HOLD ME. She is nine today. She has her own twitter account (on which she is way funnier than I am). She emails her friends from her iTouch. She likes to experiment with my camera. She is into Taylor Swift.  And Justin Bieber. And Zach Efron. and Lady Gaga. She knows all the words to “I and [...]
    Filed in The Girl, parenting sure is fun | 08-Mar-10 | 33 comments
  2. The One Where I Take Zero Credit.
    My child at almostnine is probably cooler than, well, than I will ever be. If you ask those who have met her, they will tell you that I am a truth teller. I also have no idea where this child came from. I mean, I know that she came from ME (the entire North York [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 21-Jan-10 | 13 comments
  3. ISO: Bully Free Zone
    This morning, in the car. Isabella: You know those Snuggie things? They really are just like big sweaters, huh? Josh: No! They are blankets! BLANKETS! Isabella: But, Josh, they have HOODS. Hoods are for sweaters; not blankets. And they have sleeves. Josh: They are blankets. Isabella: sweaters Josh: Blankets! Eye roll from Emily. Oh, with the eye roll. If I had a dollar for [...]
    Filed in The Girl, parenting sure is fun | 02-Dec-09 | 20 comments
  4. the apple doesn’t fall far.
    Emily loves the park. for exactly 38 seconds. and then she gets too hot and too bored and too tired and too hungry and too hot and too thirsty and swings are for babies and Josh and Bella are embarrassing her. It’s not just the park, either. She had the same reaction to the ZooAtlanta and the Toronto [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 06-Aug-09 | 27 comments
  5. a few of my favorite things…and some not so favorites too..
    for the past few months, missabella has been treated every two weeks for a mild case of molluscum. and by treated I mean that we schlep her to the dermatologist so Dr. Dots can burn them off, which, you know, is always fun. especially when Isabella screams the entire house down because it hurts. and [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, parenting sure is fun | 08-Jun-09 | 28 comments
  6. the guitar-toting, toothless nun.
    It took forever for Miss Emily to lose teeth. She was six before the first one fell out. and then she became the sharkgirl, growing new teeth in underneath her old teeth. in the last little while, she has gone on a tooth-losing rampage, earning herself about $80 in cash. i know. i know. Well, [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 29-Apr-09 | 30 comments
  7. the cheese stands alone.
    You ask and I deliver. See how good I am to you? Well, really it’s my sister-in-law who you can thank, because unlike someone else I know, she knows the precise location of her camera charger. (off to ebay to track down a canon charger) My Emily, who – by the by – has lost herself another [...]
    Filed in The Girl, parenting sure is fun, the old school ali | 01-Apr-09 | 30 comments
  8. my own spring awakening…if it was, you know, warmer than -2
    well, this morning started out kind of, um, interesting. i was in my room, dancing naked like i do every morning, but this morning i had a little extra spring in my step…because just post-shower, i noticed a box sitting on my counter. a box from Loralee. see…you whine enough on twitter, and on facebook, and [...]
    Filed in The Girl, the girl behind the screen | 25-Mar-09 | 26 comments
  9. if this is 8, i’m scared for 12.
    Me: my baby is 8 today. (maybe possibly rocking a Lauren Conrad. Her idea, obviously.) her: who are you kidding??! Sweetie, she hasn’t been your baby since she was 4 months old. me: *sigh* i know. this is true. she has certainly NEVER been anything other than a miniature adult; precocious from the get-go. yeah, um, remember that year [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 09-Mar-09 | 37 comments
  10. bubble girl
    Emily and boys. no, this is nothing new…but it still throws me for a loop every time i answer the phone and there’s a boy on the other end, stuttering his way through a very meek “Can i please talk to Emily?” i’m not ready for this. i’m not ready for this. i’m not ready for [...]
    Filed in The Girl, parenting sure is fun | 04-Feb-09 | 24 comments
  11. How a Kirstie Alley movie has quickly risen to become my all-time favorite
    Emily (who is, by birth, turning 8 in 6 weeks, but, by attitude, is probably turning an age closer to, um, about 14): Why does Indiana have to wear a cone?? Me: well, because he’s a dog. and he likes to lick his, um, man bits. and since that’s where he had surgery, the vet wants to [...]
    Filed in The Girl, parenting sure is fun | 26-Jan-09 | 91 comments
  12. So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah
    There’s no one on the roads. no one in the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. no one in the office parking lot. no one at work. i’m the only asshole here. in a hoodie and skinny jeans and uggs. because it’s -14 outside. you know what -14 canadian is? IT’S FROZEN BOOGER COLD. but it’s Hanukah/Hannukah/Chanukah!!!! (choose your [...]
    Filed in The Family, The Girl, The Snark, The Thursday Thirteen | 22-Dec-08 | 44 comments
  13. Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
    i can be a bitch. i know. you are shocked right now, right? alas, it’s the truth. while the majority of the time i’m sweet like pumpkin pie, there are times where the mean ugly bee-otch needs to make an appearance. some might be kind and call it being feisty, or some might go as far [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, the Deep Thoughts, the girl behind the screen | 06-Oct-08 | 34 comments
  14. maybe october will be a cheap month…
    After spending $1200 on a portrait of my children in August, i was hoping that September was going to be a cheap month. and by cheap, i mean one where the husband doesn’t come to me with the Visa bill all highlighted, showing off all my transgressions (yes, he does this. but, to be fair, [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 16-Sep-08 | 41 comments
  15. because i’m the mom and i said so.
    i’ve mentioned before that i took ballet for many, many years. my sister and i were stuffed into leotards and tutus (that we wore under our porsche hoodies…courtesy of my dad) (even during those horrible adolescent pudgy years) and sent off to dance in our ballet school that was conveniently situated in the basement of [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl | 12-Sep-08 | 35 comments
  16. suffocation. also? they really need to rename ‘the fish taco’
    many of you are familiar with the uniqueness of my daughter Emily. She’s seven. she was born in 2001, and yet, many of my friends, i believe, would rather be friends with her than with me. She’s funny. She’s pretty. She’s wicked smart. She’s got great rhythm. She has way better style than her mom. [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 04-Sep-08 | 39 comments
  17. i have waited SEVEN years for this…
    that’s me. and my first-born. sleeping together. oh, heavenly days! this has NEVER happened before. Emily was a hands-off baby. she slept in one place and one place only. her crib. bouncy chair? no carseat? no (in fact, she screamed bloody murder in the carseat) stroller? no way. someone’s arms? you’ve got to be kidding. this is [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 31-Jul-08 | 32 comments
  18. mother.of.the.year. (7 years running!)
    i pay my son for every time he kicks the ball in soccer. i lock myself in the bathroom and cry ’stomach ache’ just to get a little down time. i was in St. Lucia when Emily turned 7. i let the kids eat in the family room because i’m too tired to argue with [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 24-Jul-08 | 45 comments
  19. life with Emily…*sigh*
    life with Emily. ah, life with Emily. when it’s good, it’s VERY, very good.. she’s smart and funny and talented and even stops to teach her brother and her ice-cream clad, half-nudey sister a new dance move… but most of the time THIS is Emily… “Mommy, i have a problem!” “Emily, i’m at work. what’s your problem?” “It says i have [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 14-Jul-08 | 39 comments
  20. worth it. totally.
    at first i was annoyed. a two-hour performance, of which she’s on stage for 3 minutes? $50 a ticket? that we have to buy on ticketmaster? it’s at the Ford Centre? she has to wear make-up? we have to buy her flowers? there’s no flash photography??? but you know what?? watching her up there on stage? even [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 10-Jun-08 | 27 comments
  21. of George and Georgia…again, something i couldn’t even make up…
    Josh: “mommy…whose picture is on that money?” me: “George Washington is on the $1 bill” Josh: “Who’s he?” me: “he was the first president of the United States, hon” (ali kicks herself. must. move. back. to. the. states.) Emily: “huh…i always thought George Clooney was on the dollar bill…” i swear to god. i about died. how does my 7-year-old [...]
    Filed in The Girl, the mouths of babes | 23-Apr-08 | 32 comments
  22. emotional eating…and bratz
    when my mother’s in town, i become an emotional eater. i hate to grab something straight from the Oprah playbook…but it’s the truth. i suppose it comes down to two facts. fact #1: my mom is a ‘food pusher’. like every other Jewish mother, there’s something in her genes that makes her want to FEED people. i [...]
    Filed in The Family, The Girl | 17-Mar-08 | 23 comments
  23. Seven
    because i am the Mother of the Year (don’t even try to steal my thunder…the honor is all mine), it only makes sense that i will be in St. Lucia when my firstborn turns 7. she has informed us, however, that because we are missing her actual birthday, we will be celebrating before we leave [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 29-Feb-08 | 30 comments
  24. boots and aches and underwear! oh my! (oh, and a little wiz of oz too)
    little note to anyone working in the retail field…if you actually take the time to stop gossiping in the corner with your co-workers and, you know, actually DO your job, your chances of actually making a sale increase ten-fold. i swear, over the last three days, i’ve visited every shoe store in both the Promenade [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, the fashion | 17-Jan-08 | 51 comments
  25. eureka!* eu-freakin-reka…
    it was isabella, in the bedroom, with the pizza cutter!! (by the by…i LOVED Clue as a kid. i always hoped it was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory…because why on earth would you choose to use a candlestick as a weapon…and what the fuck is a conservatory anyway? anyone remember the name of [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, the juice | 11-Dec-07 | 22 comments
  26. in her future, i see braces
    somebody, i’m not sure who, but remind me to kick his ass thank him, gave my 6-year-old my cell phone number. i typically don’t answer it when she calls, and when i pick up my messages there are 30-some-odd calls from Emily saying pretty much the exact. same. thing. “hi mommy, this is me, emily, josh [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 27-Nov-07 | 21 comments
  27. Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll…
    We are official members of the Ontario Science Centre. heaven on earth to my children. Isabella had the time of her life. cuteness overload. she discovered this and spent a good two hours entertaining herself here. i’m so not even kidding. oh, and then she discovered the floor! that has pictures on it! that move! when you touch them! now, [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 22-Oct-07 | 29 comments
  28. guess where i went last night…
    oh, why yes, that IS a signed copy of her program. signed by the boy who played Troy Bolton. oh, why yes, that IS a picture of my daughter and the boy who played Troy Bolton!! ah…good times. i must say, i’ve been mocking this High School Musical tour thing pretty much since i bought the tickets. and [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 19-Sep-07 | 20 comments
  29. i know everyone who dies…and new school jitters…for me.
    I finished watching season 2 of Lost last night. jesus, this show is fantastic. even if people have the habit of saying, “oh, you’re watching Lost? Has Ana Lucia died yet?” um, no, she hasn’t. asshole. but thanks for ruining that for me. even the husband is a ruiner…”oh, i read somewhere that Charlie makes [...]
    Filed in The Girl, the shows | 28-Aug-07 | 25 comments
  30. smart thinking…
    i’m feeling like a new person today. almost like i had laser eye surgery or something. after 2 months – 2 months!!! – of waiting, and waiting, and waiting for my contacts to be ready, i finally picked them up last night (and my eye doctor threw in 3 free pairs for my trouble). it [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 03-Aug-07 | 17 comments
  31. you can stand under my umbrella ella ella eh eh
    (i promise today i won’t post any naked pictures of anyone.) stuck in my head. stuck, damnit. ella ella eh eh eh eh eh note to self…teach Emily to like different music. and heaven help me…in september, she and i are going to see on the one hand, it kills me that my little girl is growing up. she’s 6, [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 24-Jul-07 | 37 comments
  32. i love my weng weng and other monday ditties
    seriously, y’all. i didn’t think i had it in my heart to love a midget as much as i love mini-me. (“blimey! i thought i smelled cabbage!”) but, clearly that was until weng weng came along. he is agent 00. he is 2 foot 9. need i say more? warning: this will be the funniest [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, The Snark, the mouths of babes | 09-Jul-07 | 20 comments
  33. here in the holy land**
    i’ve been here for a few hours. we’ve gotten Emily’s hair cut (so cute!). we’ve had lunch at the cheesecake factory (holy eggplant sandwich. mmm…). I’ve opened up my $25 ipod shuffle (ebay…love!) and my 25 boxes of Girl Scout cookies (no, i’m not kidding. and yes, i am insane). and my JCrew clothing i had [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Girl, the trips | 29-Jun-07 | 12 comments
  34. #2 answered. and a tap-dancing showgirl….we should have named her Lola.
    2. my favorite food of all time is Indian. I almost always choose it over anything. this one is FALSE. i’m pretty picky in general when it comes to food…but i can pretty much find something to eat anywhere. anywhere, that is, at long as it’s not an Indian Restaurant. Did you see Along Came Polly? when [...]
    Filed in The Girl, the girl behind the screen | 22-Jun-07 | 18 comments
  35. more Bible Britney…and some Vera Wang
    the Britney vs the Bible sags continues… Josh: hey mommy, this is where the dead people are me: you’re right, Joshie. it’s a cemetery. Josh: that’s where Moses lives now. but not Britney. she didn’t die. Emily: Josh, you’re such a doof. there are many more people who are way more important to us that died. like great grandpa. [...]
    Filed in The Boy, The Girl | 08-Jun-07 | 18 comments
  36. they didn’t give head in the 50’s :)
    this is quite possibly the most hilarious thing ever. the husband and i were watching a little food tv. (shut up, you so know that you do too. you love bob blumer!) Mr. ex-double dare host was telling us in his ever-so-annoying voice that Mr. Potato head originally came without a potato! you were supposed [...]
    Filed in The Boy, The Girl, The Snark | 01-Jun-07 | 13 comments
  37. 6-year-old humor
    sometimes there just are no words and if you’re dying to know where we were coming home from, check out my post on Fabulous today. I took Emily on a special date to have dinner with an old school friend.
    Filed in The Girl | 30-May-07 | 49 comments
  38. you know what this means…
    sir josh is FINALLY tall enough to get a blue wristband. which means that he’s finally tall enough to go on the ghoster coaster. poor thing. but, this year was his year. we were having company for dinner and we had time for one more ride for each kid. of course, they each picked this one. since [...]
    Filed in The Boy, The Girl | 15-May-07 | 14 comments
  39. my baby doesn’t sleep through the night…
    …no. not THE baby. my oldest baby. the 6-year-old. This isn’t the first time i’ve posted about it, and i’m sure it won’t be the last…but i guess i keep hoping there’s someone out there who feels my pain. or can offer up some advice. or some new advice. this morning i woke up to shower…like [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 30-Apr-07 | 33 comments
  40. six going on seventeen
    ***just a note, her birthday was actually on March 8th. As usual, i’m a little behind schedule *** six years ago my baby girl made her entrance into this world. five days late. and after 23 hours of labor. even then, she had a mind of her own. and was difficult. she didn’t drop. she [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 13-Mar-07 | 29 comments
  41. she’s lump
    i fucking just lost my post. argh. i will try to re-enact the whole thing for you, but it probably won’t be as funny, or as entertaining the second time around. amongst the many late-night talents of my soon to be 6-year-old daughter, which include, but are not limited to singing, coloring, doing ballet and [...]
    Filed in The Girl | 30-Jan-07 | 14 comments
  42. the best laid plans…
    i truly believe that children have a sixth sense. not in the creepy “i see dead people” but more in the way they can and do pick the most possible worst times to get sick. yes. at 4 am i heard those sounds. the sounds that every mother dreads. for me, though, with my emetophobia, those [...]
    Filed in The Family, The Girl | 17-Jan-07 | 19 comments
  43. what’s grosser than gross?
    taking a *chug* of the water bottle next to your bed only to realize that your 5-year-old had been drinking from it. and backwashing. the cashews she’d been eating. might vomit.
    Filed in The Girl | 16-Jan-07 | 18 comments
  44. “Are you going to kiss Daddy under the nippletoe?”
    No, this isn’t a joke. My 5-year-old DID, in fact, ask me this question yesterday. The laughter was uncontrollable. So, I was tagged by Beth over at Thoughts Arrive Like Butterflies. And since I love me some midwestern girls, I cannot say no. And since I also love to take things up a notch (BAM!), I thought I’d change this [...]
    Filed in The Girl, The Meme, The Reality TV | 18-Dec-06 | 34 comments
  45. the teachers
    i remember it so clearly. in my elementary school, there were two first grade teachers. there was Mrs. Gorman. she was exactly what any child could wish for in a teacher. she was young, pretty, warm, loving. and then there was Mrs. Leib. she was exactly what any child wouldn’t want in a teacher. she [...]
    Filed in The Boy, The Girl, the Deep Thoughts | 29-Nov-06 | 10 comments
  46. li’l swimmers
    Tuesday is Swim day in our house.  My son is a big red chicken. and my daughter is fearless as hell. and neither one of them can swim. so, i signed them up for lessons. they are sea turtles. adorable. There are two other kids in their group, a set of twins. so, naturally, everyone assumes [...]
    Filed in The Boy, The Girl | 11-Oct-06 | 82 comments
  47. little green monsters
    yesterday the husband and i went to Here’s My Baby for our private viewing and order session (sounds fancy, doesn’t it?!!). They are incredibly clever, those folks at HMB. They sit you in a giant room, with giant walls that hold giant portraits of beautiful children. then, they dim the lights and put on a slideshow [...]
    Filed in The Baby, The Boy, The Girl | 27-Sep-06 | 33 comments
  48. Austin Powers in Goldmember
    “His fajha! You know, the fajha.” “You know Goldmember, I dont speak freaky-deaky dutch. Okay perv boy?” “Fajha, his dad, dad is fajha.” “Oh his dad, oh his father… father… father.” okay…i’m laughing my ass off just typing this quote in. On Saturday we were discussing what we thought the funniest movies were. I think it’s safe to say [...]
    Filed in The Girl, Uncategorized | 28-Jun-04 | no comments
  49. Is it just me…
    or is Ashlee Simpson completely untalented and not at all pretty?? Why oh why is she coming out with an album? And i hear that she’s getting her own show? What’s wrong with MTV? I guess she’s lucky that she gets to piggyback onto her sister’s success. I guess she’s been taking lessons from Nick [...]
    Filed in The Girl, Uncategorized | 28-Jun-04 | no comments
  50. monday musing…Mary-Kate Olsen
    it’s been quite the whirlwind June for those teen tycoons. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen graduated from high school, and turned 18, automatically making them co-presidents in their billion dollar empire, Dualstar. What will those fans of the Olsen twins countdown (http://jdigital.pyoko.org/olsen.php) do with their time now that they are 18 and legal? My guess is [...]
    Filed in The Girl, Uncategorized | 28-Jun-04 | one comment
  51. Things that annoy the hell out of me….
    1. dirty, snotty kids 2. the tampon commericial that says, “because being a girl rocks.” 3. customs officers 4. men who actually LIKE girly movies. men who go to chick flicks to please their women is a different story…it’s the men who actually enjoy the movies that annoy me. 5. no matter how hard i try, i can NEVER [...]
    Filed in The Girl, Uncategorized | 25-Jun-04 | 4 comments
  52. So…I’ve done it. I’ve jumped on the blog bandwagon…
    In an attempt to publish quality material, and not bore people to absolute tears, I will take the Nick Hornby challenge. In High Fidelity – a book written by none other than the great Nick Hornby – The narrator is described as a professional critic. He’s good at it. Music criticism is what he does. [...]
    Filed in The Girl, Uncategorized | 24-Jun-04 | 7 comments