March 3 17

I know I don’t need to share, once again, that I’m a bit of frazzled mess ( but you know I’m going to do it anyway SORRY). I’m pretty sure you already know this and mutter things under your breath about why I’m not medicated and blah blah blah stop telling us how many jobs you have.

But these past few months have been something, haven’t they? I mean, not just for me, but for everyone.

The tone of just about everything has changed thanks to this new President of the United States. Conversation about the Trumpiness of it all comes up all the time — at Shabbat dinners, while bowling with friends, when I’m shooting Bat Mitzvahs, in my What’s App groups. It’s everywhere. Just take a look at Facebook. I have learned things about people that I really may have been better off not knowing. I’ve made some changes that I needed to make — I stopped commenting where I know it’s just going to make my blood pressure rise, I have hidden people from my feed so I don’t have to see what they are sharing. Of course, it doesn’t stop certain family members from tagging me in posts that I fundamentally disagree with. Oh yes, every morning I wake up and untag myself from the many pro-Trump posts that I have been tagged in.

There’s other weighty things on me, of course.

I keep gaining weight even though my eating habits are the most healthy they have ever been, and I’m taking barre classes almost four times a week. So, I’m eating right and moving more. And yet — those numbers creeeeeep up. And honestly, I’m not upset about this. I am almost 40 — I think this is just my genetic lot in life. It’s just so frustrating to stand in my closet and try on shirt and after shirt after skirt after dress only to find that what fit me last week no longer fits me so I throw on some sweats and ignore it. That’s the only part I have real issues with. I just haven’t felt good in my clothes in almost 2 years.

I had 16 photoshoots in February. If you had asked me last year I would have assumed that February would be the driest month — it’s usually the coldest, it’s dark, it’s miserable, and, well, it’s the shortest month. And yet. While my husband was off in India for two weeks and I was holding down the fort at home, I was also working a full-time job, and photographing almost every single night. Now, naturally, you’d say — ALI, say no every once in a while, would you? But ahhhhh there’s the rub. I just LOVE it. I love the fact that I can create memories for people — a baby’s early days, a Jewish coming-of-age, a headshot to go on the book jacket of a first novel, a snapshot of a family in that moment in time, a child getting her very first siddur. I don’t want to say no.

I mean, how can you say no to this??

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My thumb has a permanent callus, but my face has a permanent smile.

I had {another} unexpected friend breakup. It came out of nowhere and completely shook me to my absolute core. I am shocked, I am sad, I am angry, I am hurt. It’s very strange to go from speaking to someone about a hundred times a day to just NOT. My reflexes have memories and leap to send photos, funny stories, good news, bad news, silliness, frustrations, memes, questions…but then I have to remind my fingers that NO, no, nope. I know I will be fine, I know in my heart that none of this was on me — the only thing I am guilty of here is being a good friend. The saddest thing, truly, though, is that my motivation to get close to another person again has been destroyed and shattered. Maybe I’m just not meant to have a person; maybe not everyone is.

ALSO THE GIRAFFE STILL HASN’T HAD HER BABY.

But, something happened this past week that changed things — it was a bit of a hard reset, if you will.

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At exactly 8:34pm on Tuesday night, Josh came into my office and said: Where’s Isabella?

To which I promptly used a couple of expletives.

I had forgotten her at dance class.

I hopped into the car, in my jammies, and raced to get her. I arrived at 8:41. 11 minutes late. She was standing there and I grabbed her and pulled her close to me and apologized, and apologized, and apologized.

“My day was just A DAY. You wouldn’t even believe all of things that have happened today.”

“It’s good thing tomorrow is a new day. Can I have some ice cream?”

Was her response.

We should all have the wisdom of a 6th grader. 

And she was right. A little ice cream, and a little reset. Tomorrow came and then it became yesterday.

So now I have a plan going forward.

 

To write more because I love it — I can’t wait to tell you about my new job. I’m being challenged in so many new ways, but I am loving it. I am working with some of the smartest, kindest, wonderful people. That makes such a difference, doesn’t it?

I want to talk about reading books VS listening to them on audible — I listened to my book club book A Gentleman In Moscow because I was running out of time and was able to listen AND edit photos and kill two birds until my book club was postponed so I didn’t even need to do it, but I feel like I didn’t emotionally connect to the book in a way I would have had I read it. I love to get lost in books and didn’t, and I’m just wondering if this is because I was listening.

I want to talk to you about pop culture — we are bringing our Dawson’s Creek podcast, only we are dropping the Dawson’s Creek part and you are going to LOVE it. To talk about The Oscars because OHMYGOD. I want to talk about music and tv shows (and oh yes I editing photos with six full seasons of Party of Five in the background and surprise! I have thoughts) and my kind of marathons (you know, the binge-watching kind).

And I want to talk about this polar plunge that apparently I’m going to be doing — OH YES. Also, oh god whaaaaaaaat.

I want to buy myself some clothes that fit me and make me feel good about this body — even if they might not fit me next week. To leave my office every once in a while — I cannot be married to my work. To only take on ONE Bar or Bat mitzvah per month…they pull me from my family every single Sunday and they take a lot out of me physically, and since there are 500+ edited photos to deliver for each one, and then there are albums and prints and framing, but I love them, so I feel good about this compromise — and this leaves room for more baby and family photos too. To surround myself with people who make me laugh — I’m having company tonight for dinner after months of no Shabbat company.

Now I just need this giraffe to have this baby. 

And figure out how to stop getting tagged against my will on Facebook.

 

 

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  1. I hear you on the friend thing. It’s happened to me too. What I’ve come to believe is that some people see friendships as interchangeable – something you chop & change, an extra, an accessory. They’re “there” quickly (a mile wide and an inch deep) and then suddenly even years later, they’re not. What you thought was a friend they thought was a passing acquaintance.

    Good friends are like family.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandra on March 3, 2017
  2. Consider this my application to be your person :) I am here to talk about ALL of those things (because honestly I need a break from the insanity).

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen on March 3, 2017
  3. Love you, Ali. My life has been beyond insane too, but I hope you know I’m here for you any time. ANY time.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on March 3, 2017
  4. So much to comment on!

    But I think I’m most excited about the podcast coming back!!!!

    Love you!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on March 3, 2017
  5. Thank you for your brutal honesty – so beautifully, achingly haunting.

    You’re a brave woman. It’s hard to mourn the loss of a friend – so be gentle on yourself.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Heidi on March 6, 2017
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