I — unapologetically — watch The Bachelor.

{See also: all version of the show: The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, even the one where they go to paradise oh stop it}

I would love to tell you that I watch it for the life lessons, but mostly I watch it because sometimes I just need to watch a bunch of ladies swimming with pigs in the Bahamas.

But, well, we’ll come back to the life lessons thing.

If you don’t watch the show, it’s probably not hard to figure out that it’s basically a game show where a bunch of women contestants plays and the prize at the end, instead of a boat or a trip or cash, is an almost husband — he always buys a ring in the last episode, it’s a thing that if you are me you fast forward because it’s so stinkin’ boring. There are a few one-on-one dates, and a couple of really awkward two-on-one dates, but mostly there are giant group dates where things like the aforementioned swimming with pigs happen along with a lot of hot tubs and even more cocktail parties.

All of this is to say, really, that getting alone time with the man you want to choose you in the end is not that easy, and when you do get time with him, it’s imperative that you use your time to get inside his head, to win him over, and to prove to him that you are THE woman for him—that you are sexy, smart, kind, fun, funny.

Currently on my very scientific list of things I’d recommend you do not do if you were to ever find yourself competing for a man on a reality show: Do not show him how well you play any instrument of any kind {not a euphemism}{Oh, you want to know about my passions, Ben, here let me pull out my tuba and play you a jaunty tune}, do not read any poetry that you have written, and whatever you do, do not make SCRAPBOOKS. Perhaps spend a few minutes watching that movie where Kate Hudson tries to lose a man in ten days.

And another thing I would recommend: Do not spend your precious few minutes with him saying nasty things about the other women. Why are women like this? Women should be building each other up, not tearing each other down. AND YET. Here we are, on the Bachelor, watching women attack other women. “Sure, we *could* spend our twenty minutes together talking about us and our likes and dislikes and even, gasp!, making out, but instead I’m going to tell you about that other girl you like and how she’s on this show for the wrong reasons or she’s not the right girl for you or about how bad her breath is and about how she’s not ready for a commitment.”

And here we are, in real life, doing the same.

See? I told you we’d come back to the life lessons thing. WOMEN, stop it. Stop it. Just, stop it. Build each other up because my goodness that’s one of the most beautiful qualities.