July 10 13

I guess the beauty of having a flexible job means that I can do things like go on a scrunchie-finding mission on my lunch hour. I’m not even kidding. My girls came home from their dance camp with explicit instructions about what they are required to wear for their big stage recitals tomorrow. And of course, it’s like that note home that says “tomorrow is color war and your daughter who only wears black is on the yellow team so good luck with that on short notice, sucker.”

Neon pink scrunchie.

Oh, the 80s. How you continue to haunt me.

I’m so depressed that you are back in my life and in my stores.

Seriously, why can we not bring back the late 1950s, early 1960s? I, for one, would be a big fan of dressing like season 1 Betty Draper instead of 1980s Ali Martell.

BECAUSE YOU GUYS. I am not even certain what is happening in this photo other than my JOEY JEREMIAH HAT and UNFORTUNATE PERM. Scrunchies! Neon! Crop tops! High waists!


I would almost rather bring back flanneled and Doc Marten-ed and matching socked and legging-ed 1990s Ali Martell.



Every time Emily brings up the idea of owning a crop top, I explain to her that one day she will look back and TWEET AT HER YOUNG SELF and tell herself the things that she’s too clouded by neon to see now.

“Oh yeah? Well, what would you tweet at your younger self?”

“Well, I’ll tell you, young Padawan.”


Dear Young Ali who loved Joey Jeremiah hats and so much flannel, in 140-characters or less,

One day

You will love your body, most of the time.

You will learn that bagels are full of empty calories and are just not worth it. Related: You will learn what quinoa is, and how to pronounce it.

You will wear skinny jeans, with confidence. And sometimes they will be green. Or even red. Or even…gasp! floral.

You will do what you love and earn a paycheck for it. People will read the words that you write.

You will wish you never started drinking coffee. But you will be thankful that you never started smoking.

You will learn to love a boy who knows you are alive. He will turn out to be the best decision you ever made. He will love you a little more each day.

You will learn that less is more when it comes to makeup and you will learn to rely on the experts behind the MAC counter to show you how to apply it.

You will never learn to properly wear eyeliner, though. Sorry about that.

You will be a great mom, even during pre-adolescence.

You will still think good grammar is sexy.

You will learn to drive stick.

You will be embarrassingly bad at doing laundry. And dancing.

You will make it to Ireland. You will kiss the Blarney Stone. You won’t get an STD.

You will have lines on your face that don’t go away when you stop laughing. And you will be okay with it—because of all of the laughing.

You will read The Grapes of Wrath one day. On purpose.

You will discover something called The History Channel. It will change your life.

You will always have a great ass.

You will still hate crop tops.

You will not believe what happens to those kids on The Mickey Mouse Club.

You will wear bangs. On purpose. And you will look hot.

You will still have dreams about Jordan Catalano.

You will side with Claire on the whole sushi thing. (Related: rewatch the Breakfast Club)

You will realize that home hair coloring is NEVER a good idea.

You will move to Canada. (Stop laughing.)

You will have three amazing, funny, weird, silly, smart, unbelievable children who will play Clue with you and braid your hair whenever you want.

You will still love Kurt Cobain.

You will still watch soap operas and ONE DAY YOU WILL SPEND TIME WITH SUSAN LUCCI IN A HOTEL ROOM.

You will know what a burpee is. And a squat. And a lunge. And you will pay someone to make you do these. But…OBLIQUES.

You will regret using the pliers to remove your braces. You should have allowed your mom to pay for them. Do you know how expensive braces are, Miss Mintz?

You will learn that you did not peak in high school, but Facebook will let you know that some people do. They really, really do.

You will make friends who will change your life.

You will miss the friends who are changing it right now. You will lose touch with people—and you will constantly regret it.

You will find yourself on a mission to find your daughters NEON SCRUNCHIES FOR THEIR CAMP RECITALS.


You will drive a minivan.

You will be deliriously happy.

You will be amazing.

Even if you don’t feel it now.

Love, Old(ish) Ali who thankfully wears no flannel at all.


What would you tweet at your young self?

  1. I love this. Thanks for making my morning :)


    Comment by Alicia on July 10, 2013
  2. This is so funny, Ali! Love the pictures. I have some doozies from similar periods. Spiral perms and backcombed bangs. Acid wash and Garfield sweatshirts, I am not even kidding.


    ali replied on

    Garfield sweatshirt??!? That is amazing.


    Comment by Nicole Boyhouse on July 10, 2013
  3. I totally agree with you on the neon, Kurt, not peaking in high school, the friends then and now except for the eyeliner part. I can be pretty deft with that wand.:)


    Comment by gorillabuns on July 10, 2013
  4. What do you mean bagels are full of empty calories and not really worth it? Sobbing. Bagels are my most favourite breakfast food, ever.

    Ali, I absolutely love love love love this post and would love to do one similar to it! You rock, pretty lady. xox


    ali replied on

    So, I ate a plain bagel every single day for lunch in high school, because I was all…Oh! They are fat-free! What a healthy lunch!

    How dumb I was…Bagels are full of nothing but LOTS of calories. They are not a good choice, really, ever.


    Comment by Loukia on July 10, 2013
  5. Honestly… I miss flannel.


    ali replied on

    Maybe you need to…bring it back?


    Comment by twobusy on July 10, 2013
  6. If I could tweet young me, I’d make her know all the true things she doesn’t believe:

    You will always be skinny.
    You will never have more than an A cup. But. You are beautiful – always.
    Flannel is good in winter. Sometimes you won’t have heat.
    You will be glad to know hemorrhoids CAN happen before children.
    You will remember Herpes is for life and AIDS is real; use a condom.
    You will realize that orange was maybe not so good a prom dress color.


    Comment by Arnebya on July 10, 2013
  7. I saw so many high waist denim shorts at the fair and at first I thought it was just the type of person the fair attracts, but then I realized, oh no, that awfulness is back (and you will not catch me wearing it).


    ali replied on

    The high-waist daisy duke is EVERYWHERE. Everywhere.


    Comment by Alison on July 10, 2013
  8. What a great post! Love it!


    Comment by Kristabella on July 10, 2013
  9. Aww, I love this post.

    I would tell myself so many things, but these three are coming to mind at the moment:
    - Your boobs WILL come in…they’re just going to miss high school.
    - Keep writing, because one day you’ll write (unpublished) books.
    - You’ll get way better at putting outfits together and braiding hair.


    Comment by alyinponderland on July 10, 2013
  10. High school will be so hard for you, but because of that everything that comes after will be triumphant.

    Love the boy who will hold your hand in front of his friends, as easily as he’ll hold back your hair when you are sick. He is telling you that he’ll always be there for you. And he means it.

    Hold on to your friends, you will need them.


    Comment by Louise on July 10, 2013
  11. Very useful details. Hope to observe more posts soon!


    Comment by connor on July 16, 2013

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