The grown-up parts about being a grown up—say, taxes and gardening, for instance—are not the things you thought about when your mom gave you THE SPEECH. You know the one—”As long as you are living under my roof, you will do as I say! Once you are grown up and live on your own you can do whatever you please—you can dye your hair every color in the rainbow for all I care!” and you have that Jenna Ring grin on your face all, “I can’t wait to be thirty and flirty and thriving!” or, you know, something about Tom Hanks being BIG if you don’t get the 13 Going On 30 reference.
You don’t think about the grown up stuff that your parents dealt with, or, you know, their accountants or their gardeners dealt with. I mean, no one tells you that once you are a responsible adult you will be required to floss daily so you can model your behavior to teach three small humans that they are required to floss their teeth daily. They don’t tell you! You will be the one who has to schedule appointments and go to the dry cleaner and fill the damn minivan gas tank and make sure that the fridge is filled with nutritious sustenance for three always-ravenous mouths and that you are the one who always has to wash the fruits and vegetables and cut them into child-size pieces because it’s irresponsible to allow children to use the good knives. Also, you will have to make sure you have the good knives.
Sometimes being an adult blows.
Sometimes it’s so incredibly awesome. Because you say things like, “Husband! It’s Friday afternoon! What shall we do?” “I don’t know, wife, why don’t we take all of the creme out of the Oreos and mix it with different kinds of alcohol and then put it back into the Oreos and see which we like the best?” “Why yes! We *can* do this, because we are responsible adults!”
Thirty(five) and flirty and thriving, indeed!
I can’t get into specifics, because I’m sure the food blogger wants to material all to himself, but I’ll tell you that we both liked the Creme de Cacao/original Oreo combination the best. Divine. I won’t say how many of them I ate, but it’s at least three. Obviously.
Alcoholic Oreos, for the grown-up win.
You know what else you can do when you are an adult?
You can decide at way-too-late into the evening that you want to have The Tassimo VS Keurig Ultimate Showdown to decide once and for all which one is the best bang for your buck and the best mode of getting the caffeine into my face and veins. And then! Once you have done that and you are properly buzzed and bouncing off the walls, you can find yourself with another challenge on your hands.
“Let’s watch all the horror movies we can think of until we find one that doesn’t make us laugh more than cry.”
We are still on this mission, for the record. The Grudge had potential, but the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar was in it sort of made it too laughable to be scary and that viral video of the kids pretending to be the kid from The Grudge in the hotel was more frightening than the actual movie so that one’s out. Halloween? Just no. Nightmare on Elm Street? Not a chance. The Exorcist? Not really. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Nyet. Poltergeist? Uh…it’s COACH. We tried several of the Paranormal Activities to no avail.
And don’t even get me started on The Evil Dead because even though it got 98% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes (How in the fresh heck even?), it was so ridiculous. You guys, SPOILER ALERT, there are brown-corduoy-clad teenagers who really aren’t teenagers who are they trying to kid who make super bad decisions and always go towards the weird noises and creaks and cracks and sounds and choose to stay in strange remote cabins in the woods. Also, there’s a girl who gets, uh, raped…by the woods. “You mean someone IN the woods?” “No! I mean…THE WOODS. The actual woods did this to me.”
Note: Not an actual quote but close enough to the actual quote to make me scratch my head all 98%? Really? I mean, I enjoy Sam Raimi, but I cannot get behind this because you know what else has a 98% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes? THE GODFATHER PART II. So.
The only thing in the running right now is The Ring, because it has officially made me afraid of both wells and snow on television sets. And we aren’t going to talk about IT which I refuse to watch on account of the clown.
Are there other movies that are actually scary?
I’m going to find out. You know why? Because I’m a grown-up and I totally can.
You know what else I can do? Listen to that stupid Miley Cyrus song on repeat and pretend that it’s not ridiculous. Shhh. Don’t tell my kid—I’m supposed to be responsible.