March 5 13

Yesterday was kind of just full of bollocks. I tried to pay it forward to the lovely lady who let me into the Tim Hortons drive-thru line in front of her, until I got to the pay window and said, “Hi there! I’d love to pay for the person behind me too” and was forced to search in my cup holders and under my seats for enough change to cover her $17 bill even though I didn’t even know it was possible to spend that much money at Tim Hortons. Something about good deeds not going unpunished or something like that? I’m underslept and overfed (mmmmm six delicious pounds of emotional eating) this week. I’m stressed about the Bat Mitzvah because the hits just keep on coming (did I tell you that my black shoes arrived and they were, uh, pink?) so an uncomfortable conversation about social media left me feeling crappy and defeated and in tears.

I joke around a lot about being bad at twitter. It’s a self-mock that gets the same response every time: Can a person really be bad at Twitter? And I’m here to assure you that it can be done, and it’s done by this girl right here.

The one who has two thumbs and bad social media skills.

Ewan McGregor is laughing at you

I don’t share enough. I don’t share the right things. I don’t jump into conversations enough. I don’t jump into the the right conversations.

But the biggest problem, I think, is that as a wordsmith by nature and by trade, I’m simply over-the-top verbose. Wordy. I like words and I want to use them—to excess. 140 characters feels almost too claustrophobic to me like I’m stuck in a box that I can’t work my way out of, and it has become almost impossible to get my actual point across. I need a social media platform that allows for 1400 characters.

Oh wait, they do. It’s called a blog.

What I think—in my head—is a funny little quip becomes nothing more than a mess of misunderstanding, and it brings all the boys to the yard. (Oh wait, no, that’s not right.) I walk away with a pat on my back all, “Ha! Ali! You were funny! Good job.” AND YET. People didn’t think it was funny, people didn’t get it, people need to correct me.

I’ll give you a prime example.

As a self-proclaimed quirky girl, I have many things. Weird, funny, interesting things that make me the small weird person that I am. I don’t like drinking from glasses. I don’t like chocolate. I sleep in socks. I don’t like wine. I blow my hair dry in the nude. I don’t eat fruit in dessert. I heat my coffee up in the microwave. I can’t keep a car clean to save my soul.

And I can’t throw very ripe bananas away.

Screen Shot 2013-03-05 at 9.46.40 AM

It’s a sickness, really. I have no problems throwing anything away. Leftovers? GONE! Almost empty milk containers? Throw that shit out! At least once a week I clean out a fridge and throw perfectly good food straight into the trash or green bin. I’m a waster—judge all you like. I own it.

But for some reason, bananas MUST be made into banana bread.

There is no other solution.

You guys, bananas cost, like, thirty-nine cents. I should be able to throw them out with abandon. I *am* a waster, after all. I should be able to look them square in the face and say, “BANANAS! You were good while you lasted, we had a really good run, but you are being composted and not destined to be baked into deliciousness. MY ASS WILL THANK ME FOR THIS.”

And the funny thing, really, is that I’m the only person in this entire house who even eats bananas.

And the funnier thing is that I thought people would think it was funny—THE BANANA SICKNESS. Surely there were over sufferers out there; people who just can’t bring themselves to toss a banana.

Instead, people were confused. Was I looking for advice on what to do with leftover bananas? Did I need banana recipes? Did I know that I could put them in the freezer for a rainy day?

This morning I looked those three bananas on my counter in the eye.

And tossed them in my freezer.

Sickness, I say.

You’re welcome, taste buds. Sorry, ass.

 

 

-
  1. If it helps at all, I don’t understand the people who don’t understand you. You’re perfectly perfect to me.

    And apparently, keeping bananas until they’re past ripe is a sickness because I like to keep them past overripe until they stink up the whole kitchen.

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on March 5, 2013
  2. Hahaha! Ali, you ARE funny and anybody who says otherwise is quite obviously not. Would you like me to share my favourite banana bread recipe with you? ;)

    Also: the fact that you are publicly admitting that you are a waster is so brave. Have you heard from the trolls yet?

    ali replied on

    The trolls are coming. I know they are coming.

    Sigh. I love you Sandy. Why don’t you live near me?

    Sandy replied on

    Mostly because I grew up here and I refuse to move north of Bloor… hahaha ;)

    ali replied on

    well THAT.

    Comment by Sandy on March 5, 2013
  3. I totally got that. And I totally thought the people who were posting on FB about it were, uh, crazy. I never choose the right time to comment. I find you super funny and you are totally doing it right. I much perfer your posts over my friends, because they have substance!

    Comment by nicole on March 5, 2013
  4. I can’t throw them out either. This weekend we made banana choc chip cookies (that taste like tiny cakes) because I didn’t want banana bread again. I’m also a bit of a twitter loser. I either do overkill when i have time and reply to like, everyone, or, I don’t go on it at all for days at a time.

    Comment by Nuala Reilly on March 5, 2013
  5. hahaha I love this. Not the part about people hating you, thats weird, but the banana part. I get it. I SO get it. My freezer full of bananas gets it.
    I think I would save everything else, if it were as easy. You know, like if I could throw the whole container of leftover meat loaf and rice and peas in the freezer because when I pull it out and add a few simple ingredients to it, it would magically be something else that is super yummy, I would do it. But, I don’t think thats the case. Or is it?

    Comment by Amy on March 5, 2013
  6. LOL Ali. I love you. Also, I used to wonder how people could pay for the person behind them when they didn’t know what they ordered and I just now figured it out. OMG. Shh. Also. I sleep in socks too.

    ali replied on

    I actually do it a lot, actually…but usually it’s, like, under $2. Hahaha.

    Comment by Loukia on March 5, 2013
  7. You know I’ll always get you. And I’ll always laugh at the people who get their panties in a wad over you.

    ali replied on

    I *knew* you’d get this post.

    Comment by Avitable on March 5, 2013
  8. I admit I get confused easily, but even I got it! I mean, I have like 2 dozen frozen black bananas in my freezer. Why? I will never make that much banana bread. Ever.

    Also, I’ll be there in TWO DAYS! So fuck the haters!

    Comment by Kristabella on March 5, 2013
  9. I have heard those bananas make the best smoothies! So empty that almost empty bag of milk into a blender with the overripe banana and enjoy a treat! Takes less time than the bread too…

    ali replied on

    I honestly can’t tell if you are kidding right now.
    :)

    Hockeymandad replied on

    Oh no, I guess I am bad at commenting. :(

    I’m being serious though, a bartender once told me many years ago that the brown bananas make for the best smoothies.

    Comment by Hockeymandad on March 5, 2013
  10. I am terrified to pay for the person behind me for exactly that reason. I mean, we don’t have Tim Horton’s, and do you know how easy it is to spend $20 at Starbucks? Not that $20 would kill me, and I AM trying to do a good deed. But I would really like to do a $5 good deed if we’re being honest. OH! Idea! What if I add a $5 gift card to my order and then hand it back to them saying that it’s for the person behind me?

    I’m overthinking this.

    I don’t think I’ve thrown out a banana in YEARS. I currently have both frozen bananas AND banana BREAD in my freezer.

    Comment by Megan @ Mama Bub on March 5, 2013
  11. I get the banana sickness. I’m even worse than you though. I am really picky on the ripeness of my banana (zero overripeness allowed, but no hard underripe yuck).

    SO, they go bad in about one day. What do I do? I throw them in the freezer because I’m ‘supposed to’ (since I don’t want to make bread). Then? I toss them. Because seriously, what am I going to do with a frozen banana? (Not seriously, I don’t want a frozen brown banana!)

    Comment by Katie on March 6, 2013
  12. A. I agree about twitter. Not about you and twitter, only that it is so much easier to express on Facebook and blogs

    B. Your tweets are ridiculously funny, like your posts and Facebook updates (though sometimes those are your tweets)

    C. I totally get the banana thing. My wife is the same way and even makes the banana bread.

    Comment by Corey Feldman on March 8, 2013
-

The comments are closed.

css.php