February 6 13

I consider myself to be a semi-cool mama.

Maybe I’m decidedly uncool because I just referred to myself as cool. Are the kids even still saying cool these days?

I take it back. I’m not cool. Not even semi.

Let’s pretend for a minute that I take regular hat tips from the Mia Wallace guide to living life—you know, without that whole heart-stopping adrenaline shot and well, the whole twist contest thing—and I’m unsquare.

don't-be-a-square

I work very hard to make sure that my children’s father is the more embarrassing one, the one that elicits the many, many preteen eyerolls. He mortifies my oldest daughter regularly with his pop singing and dancing (Drake. DRAKE!) and general nerdy weirdness (He wears hoodies, you know, and fixes our Netflix so we can get the US Netflix instead of the mostly craptastic Canadian one. But he’s mine. You can’t have him.) and, you know, talking about people he knows absolutely not a single thing about and wanting to dance with her in front of her friends.

So, he’s the square one.

Only, there’s just one thing.

That one little thing that I do that I just cannot control and sends my kids into “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT HOW ARE YOU MY MOTHER PLEASE PRETEND THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW ME THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME PUBLIC”s.

Whilst in the car, I speak, yell, and have lengthy—sometimes featuring some colorful language—to the other cars around me.

“You know that thing, Buddy, it’s called a stop sign. It’s not called a maybe, sort of, sometimes slow down a little bit.”

“Well, are we going to sit at this 4-way stop all afternoon. Someone has to go!”

“Really?! REALLY!” Throws hands up in the air and shoots the stupid drive my best WTF face.

“No. No. No, I’m not letting you in. You can inch your sports car in as much as you like, but driving up the non-lane over there and then trying to squeeze your red ass in at the last minute is lame. Not happening, bucko. Nope. You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.”

“It’s a really good thing you cut me off there, jerkbucket. You just saved yourself exactly 11 seconds on your journey.”

“USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL DAMMIT. It would be helpful if I knew where you were going. I’m not a mind reader, you know! Who do you think I am…Oda Mae Brown?!”

“What are you slowing down for. Go. Go. Go. GO! You have a green light. Lady, that’s about as green as it gets.”

My kids basically die in the backseat.

But, at least they never ask me to drive their friends anywhere.

 

 

 

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  1. HA!!!! Can you please ask your husband to come over to my house and set me up with US Netflix? Please?

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I think you guys need to come over and G can make you dinner and can teach you his magic netflix ways.
    :)

    [Reply]

    Sandy replied on

    Dude… if that’s an invitation, give me a date & time. I think my daughter would love hanging out with your girls. It seems they’re all a little dramatic and over the top… maybe. ;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandy on February 6, 2013
  2. We are basically twins…except in appearance, of course. We look nothing alike. You are way cuter. Now all I need is that Netflix fixing secret! Where shall I send the baked goods?

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Did you say baked goods?? ;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amberlea on February 6, 2013
  3. This is me, darling. Every.single.freaking.day on Washington, DC’s capitol beltway. EVERYDAY.

    Take this morning for instance. No joke, McDouchie-doucherton in a red Honda in from of me insists on not going over 45 miles an hour. SERIOUSLY. ON.THE.HIGHWAY. (Was he afraid of the gas peddle?!)

    How do these a-holes get licenses?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Rae Ann on February 6, 2013
  4. HA!! Thats funny!!!! I think we all do the same thing. oh but I embarrass my kids with the dancing!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I don’t dance. My kids are lucky that way. Heh.

    [Reply]

    Comment by karen on February 6, 2013
  5. We have US Netflix TOO! The best. :)
    Also, you’re so much more well behaved than I am in the car. I tend to say really, really bad words at other stupid drivers when my children are in the car and then I feel terrible!

    “FUCKING IDIOT!” Ooops, kids, I am SO SORRY. I did not mean that, but seriously, some people need to learn how to drive…

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Oh yes…there is some language that’s too sailor-esque to write on my blog. Hahahah!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Loukia on February 6, 2013
  6. Eh, you just watch. One day when your kids are all driving (sorry to give you that visual) and grow up and have kids of their own, they will do the saaaame thing behind the wheel. At least, that’s what I do, courtesy of my mom’s running commentary while driving me around all those years.

    Also, you’re still the coolest mom I know that I don’t actually know, if that makes sense. :)

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I will certainly take that compliment today!

    [Reply]

    Comment by aly on February 6, 2013
  7. I am the WORST with that now since I don’t drive every day. I have zero patience.

    But at least I listen to the same music as your kids. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on February 6, 2013
  8. I DO THIS TOOOO! And then my kids end up asking a billion questions about traffic laws and the rules of the road and I realize that I need to just stfu to begin with, because that’s even more annoying than the stupid driver I yelled at to start the whole discussion.

    [Reply]

    alimartell replied on

    I can’t even imagine if they started asking me questions…omg.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Meghan on February 6, 2013
  9. My kids are still so young that they think I am talking to them. It’s not easy to explain to them. haha

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amy on February 6, 2013
  10. Yeah well, I listen to WAY inappropriate audio books in the car with my children. Heh.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen on February 6, 2013
  11. I am crying so hard from laughter:
    “It’s a really good thing you cut me off there, jerkbucket. You just saved yourself exactly 11 seconds on your journey.”

    “USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL DAMMIT. It would be helpful if I knew where you were going. I’m not a mind reader, you know! Who do you think I am…Oda Mae Brown?!”

    I am definitely adding ‘jerkbucket’ to my list of insults. I can’t stop laughing, thank you.

    [Reply]

    Comment by cheri on February 7, 2013
  12. We are totally twins when it comes to our “conversations” with other drivers!

    [Reply]

    Comment by LizP on February 7, 2013
  13. Yup, yup, yup. That is all me, too. Especially this: ““Really?! REALLY!” Throws hands up in the air and shoots the stupid drive my best WTF face.”

    If Noah is in the vehicle, he has to constantly remind me that there are little ears and maybe I shouldn’t say “asshole” so often.

    Although I *need* a minivan because I regularly have four kids and will soon have another (because the dude I babysit is getting a sibling soon, not because my kids are getting a sibling, because they are never getting a new sibling EVER AGAIN)(well, Kaylie might, if her bio dad has another kid, but I highly doubt that)(and wow, didn’t this get off-topic.)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen Wilson on February 8, 2013
  14. I absolutely REFUSE to let those non-lane drivers in front of me. I inch and inch and damn near hit the person in front of me and OOOOOOH NOOOOOOO the person in front of me BETTER NOT let them over. Talk about the giving stupidest driver face. I have perfected giving people the “you are the stupidest driver EVER” face. (And when my daughter was 2, her first sentence was “Move, stupid ass man.”) Wait, I’m supposed to be embarrassed about that…never mind.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Arnebya on February 8, 2013
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