There’s nothing that sends me into panic mode faster than having to write a bio.
Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. There’s nothing that sends me into panic mode faster than an impromptu pop-in by a family member at 10:56 in the morning because at 10:56 in the morning I am still sporting some fabulous bedhead, I’m still nursing my morning coffee, I’m still pantsless, and make no guarantees about the state of my home (Related: We recently had a domestic change around these parts and no longer have someone cleaning up after my sloppy family on a daily basis so while my floors and surfaces are clean enough to lick off of, there’s nothing particularly TIDY about anything, certainly not before 11am.)
But, I don’t like having to write bios either. For real.
Which is funny, really, since I write about myself online at least five times a week, and if you count the online spaces other than this one, it’s about seven times a week.
Write a few short sentences to tell us about who you are?
Um. What? I mean, if I had to tell you who I was right at this very minute it might be something like: Ali likes to wear striped shirts, watch new episodes of Homeland, watch old episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original. ONLY the original). She tends to eat too much Chocolate Chex and dirty too many David’s Tea tea mugs. She cannot carry a tune, but does not care. She makes no apologies for how much she loves Josh Groban’s Christmas music. She gets annoyed—easily—by punctuation errors, especially when it comes to apostrophes (Note: The plural of mom is not mom’s.) and em-dashes. Ali is on Team Israel. And Team Edward. She is learning to be a good stage mom and spends a tremendous amount of time shutting her daughter to auditions. She rewards herself with burritos. She probably uses too many hashtags.
Ali chews too much spearmint gum, eats too many Tic Tacs, and spends too much time at her dentist. She can be bought with giant gingerbread cupcakes and lattes with sugar-free peppermint shots. Ali spends too much money on Sharpie pens and pretty journals. Ali can crochet yarmulkas and knit scarves. But she would really like to learn to rock a real sewing machine so she can take in her too-big shirtdresses and learn to save $20 on every pair of new jeans by doing her own original hems. She inherited really good skin from her mother and hopes her daughters will thank her one day for passing it on to them. She truly believes that Ireland is the best place on earth. Pulling off a ponytail + fringe bang half as well as Audrey Hepburn is most certainly on her life list. She leaves twenty blog comments every day. She loved Lincoln and not just because of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s mustache.
Ali thinks nut allergies are unfair because dammit Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are like sweet candy hugs. Ali hates things like lunges, squats, burpees, and bear crawls, but surprisingly loves the Bosu ball and mountain climbers and assisted pull-ups. She spends too much time (and money) judging books by their covers at book stores. She is currently reading Outlander and only wears Hanky Panky underpants. She loves to do and fold laundry but hates to put it away. She has the circulation of an 85-year-old woman and is pretty much lives with cold extremities at all times. Ali spends too much time googling things like, “Who was the first person to shave this face?” She uses her unintentionally hilarious children as blog fodder. She thinks it’s hilarious that people think she looks like Anna Kendrick and George Bush. George HW Bush.
Ali cannot possibly get a captcha right the first time. She can never find her keys—ever. She loves Sriracha sauce and believes it belongs on everything. Ali judges the way you pronounce Porsche and how you wear your leggings. She thinks this season of Dexter is kind of a waste of time and has a hard time watching it without feeling the need to adjust the color on her television set because Quinn and Deb are entirely too tanorexic. She is in love with Nashville and covets the hair of the show’s leading ladies while downloading all the songs on iTunes. Ali thinks she is funnier than she actually is. She doesn’t particularly enjoy wine, no matter what this photo might suggest.
You would totally hire me, right?