October 23 12

Are there extra bonus points when you leave your house in the dark (and the rain) to get your ass kicked by your trainer?

There should be.

Also, here’s my tip of the day. When Kim the Trainer asks you how much pain you were in the day after your workout, your answer should be something along the lines of ermahgerd, Kim, I had the spaghetti arms and jelly legs for two days straight. I couldn’t walk the stairs or sit on the toilet seat without geriatrically holding on to something. Your answer should not, in fact, be something along the lines of ermahgerd, Kim, it was only mostly painful and I was totally fine. Because you know what happens? OH YES. She works you like you have never worked before—to the begging-for-mercy point. Sitting in a squat and holding it for 15 seconds? Not my favorite. We can add this activity to the list that includes burpees and squats. The list is growing—hopefully, somewhere in all of this agony, my yiddishamama (totally trademarking this phrase) thighs are shrinking.

“Come on Ali, you really only need your fingers to do your job!”

Oh Kim. I kind of hate that you are so right. This job of mine, it really does only require fingers. And luckily, there is no such thing as a finger squat because I’m exercising my right to work my first full day of work in October. I know what you are thinking—it’s October 23rd, Ali, how is this possible? But I will tell you! Between Jewish holidays and trips to Ireland (it’s call the wahmbulence time!) and Blissdom Canada conferences and PA days from school and dentist appointments and allergy appointments there has not been one full day. Until today.

I recently tweeted about there being nothing more humbling than putting on a pair of freshly washed and dried jeans. You probably missed it. As I mentioned in my Blissdom session, Twitter moves pretty fast. It’s not that you aren’t witty and brilliant and prolific, it’s that not everyone is actually ON Twitter when you have your moment of brilliance.

Well, here it is again, in all of its humbly glory.

Oh, you’ve done this before? Fist bump, sister. You’ve done the squaty lie-down-on-the-bed-to-make-the-whole-zipper-thing-happen too? Solidarity, yo. 

But I found something that gives freshly washed and super tight jeans a run for their ego-killing money.

TRYING ON EXERCISE CLOTHING.

Tank tops, specifically.

I swear to god, you guys, how does a normal person who is not a) in Cirque du Soleil or b) an Olympic gymnast or c) a wizard and/or ninja get in and out of those workout tank tops? You know, the ones that have that extra built-in brassiere? And it’s always when you are halfway in to the great try-on experiment when you have that panicky realization that this tank top is probably not coming off without some scissory handiwork. It always looks like it’s going to fit before you put it on. Sure! And it’s got lycra and spandex and all of the stretchy goodness—it is sure to fit.

It is not sure to fit. It never is.

I have so many questions. Does it go over the head? Do you pull it up from the bottom? What about that strange bra shelf that never seems to end up in the right place. Why is getting dressed so complicated?

I can only turn my body into some sort of circus performer for so long before it’s all, “Oh Ali, you do not bend this way dammit.” WHY ARE THERE NO ZIPPERS? Also, why is it a fact that what lululemon yoga pants do for my derriere (READ: They are magic ass pants), workout tank tops do the exact opposite and highlight every single pinchable inch on my body? Why? Why? Highlighting back fat and/or spare tires is not a motivator for me at all, you know.

Usually, I already feel like I had a full workout just trying to get into my tank top. Before my actual workout. So that’s two workouts in one. (Bonus or punishment? You decide!)

I guess, though, that it means I should be getting doubley rewarded, then, for going out in the rain today. Right? RIGHT? Two tubes of cookie dough for lunch, then?

 

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  1. I am getting ready to wiggle my way into one of those tank tops right now. GAH!!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandy on October 23, 2012
  2. I bought some better sports bras for my big knockers that are supposed to be god for running and no jiggling.

    I get stuck in them every time. Getting out of it when you’re sweaty is the worst!

    It’s a good thing my cats can’t talk or take photos.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on October 23, 2012
  3. yes, what is up with freshly washed and dried jeans?? seriously? I swear I did NOT get that much bigger in the one day it took to wash/dry them? It’s like Citizens of Humanity is trying to make me cry and go broke at the same time.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amy on October 23, 2012
  4. I’ll share the cookie dough with you.

    I have but one work-out tank top and it is almost impossible to get on or off. When I finally do get it on, I swear that it must stay on UNTIL THE END OF TIME. It will become one with my flesh. (Ew.)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on October 23, 2012
  5. I detest burpies! Also, mountain climbers.I remember back in the day (I’ll leave the time up to the imagination) my sister would lay on her back and I would stand over her at her head, insert a wire coat hanger into her zipper and pull…Then I’d have to help her get on her feet.

    Good times..

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kelly on October 23, 2012
  6. Shelf bra tank tops are EVIL. Especially if they’re a size too small. Ahem.

    ALSO, as I told you on Facebook (because I’m klassy like that), it is a CHALLENGE for me to get *out* of a sports bra after a work out. I have to go into the bathroom stall sometimes, so as to not completely embarrass myself in front of the 75 year old naked women who have just finished aqua aerobics.

    True story.

    [Reply]

    Jen replied on

    Yes, it’s the getting OUT of a sweaty sports bra that will be the death of me.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Meghan on October 23, 2012
  7. LOVED THIS, Ali. I wore a pair of yoga shorts under a pair of yoga pants thinking I’d actually make it my morning fitness class but a forgotten library book and torrential downpour snuffed that mojo right out. Pathetically, I continued to wear double pants for a good chunk of the day.

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    Amy replied on

    This made me laugh!!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Hahah. ME TOO!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Louise on October 24, 2012
  8. I get stuck in my workout bra – it’s an over the head one…my boobs are big and it’s super tight. I swear to god I’ve thrown my back out three times trying to get that sucker off.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Oh this makes me feel so much better.
    I seriously thought they were something wrong with me that I wasn’t bendy enough!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sara on October 25, 2012
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