I’m—mostly—okay with my old lady tendencies. Other than the poor circulation part—I could do without the constant cold extremities part of basically being a senior citizen. I mean, think about it. I eat dinner at 5:30pm, you guys. Early-bird special? Don’t mind if I do! I yell at no one in particular when a hoodlum races down our street too quickly. I often use the phrases “Oh my heavenly days” and “Heaven’s to Betsy” and “Hell’s Bells.” I complain about the lower back pain I am suffering from spending too much time on my feet working a baby show. I have a tendency to love the cardigan. Occasionally, I talk—at length—about digestion.

I often look ridiculous while wearing the latest trends.

In the evenings, I’m happy to crawl under my covers to watch some crappy tv or laugh at how painfully bad and unintentionally hilarious the Fifty Shades trilogy is and, well, laughing at how unbelievably rad this site is. (Thank you, lovely lady, for introducing this into my life. It will never be the same.)

(Alas, you still have to wait for my inspiring! awesome! review! of this series, as I still have about half of the third book to finish. I know, I’m a slacker…but it’s this whole having kids thing. They are totally cutting into my COMEDY PORN time.) (Credit for that goes to the lovely Heather Spohr.) COMEDY PORN, kids. COMEDY PORN.

So, back to how I’m an old person.

I was recently invited out with two lovely mostly single women. And in my head I was all, “Yes! We can drink coffee and look at books and then go home and crawl into bed and watch Bones!” They had a very different idea for me…one that involved drinking libations and wearing cuter shoes and driving to a remote location where parking can be problematic and they didn’t even want to leave the house until 10pm.

10PM, you guys!

You know what I’m usually wearing a 10pm?

I’ll give you a hint…it rhymes with MAJAMAS.

And then yesterday, we had these big plans to go bowling and I was all

I am from Wisconsin! I can do this! I’m the king of the world! (Or least of the beer and cheese and bowling shirts!)(Did I ever tell you that in high school, a boy stole a pair of bowling shoes for me..like, as a gift? To, you know, impress me? I guess that’s how they roll in the Midwest. Get it? ROLL. Oh, like you have never made a ban bowling joke in your life.)

And then once 8pm rolled around I couldn’t help but wonder if our friends might not prefer to just hang out in comfortable clothing and eat desserts and play Settlers of Catan.

The good news, kids, is that I haven’t busted out the Mrs. Roper muumuus yet, and I still have all of my teeth, I still wear thong underpants, I haven’t done the shorts and socks thing yet, and I don’t love pudding.

ALSO, I don’t wear beige undergarments. Please don’t ever let me wear beige undergarments.

I’m not ready to be a full-fledged elderly person.

Yet.