February 21 12

Sometime this afternoon, after I had shoved an amazing bagel down my gullet, I found myself in the back of my brother’s van, headed to the movies with my three lovely little nieces. I had no idea what we were seeing, although I was pretty convinced it wasn’t My Week With Marilyn. It turns out it was a movie called Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.

I’m guessing there was a Journey 1, although I’m not sure if the kid from The Hunger Games was in it, as I really only know him forever now as THE KID FROM THE HUNGER GAMES, and the movie hasn’t even come out yet (Move over Frodo Baggins, Edward Cullen and Harry Potter—there’s a new typecast in town!) I also had to try to imagine Vanessa Hudgens not singing with Zac Efron. Also, I had to imagine her with some actual PANTS, because I am fairly certain all I saw on the damn large screen was the perineum of Miss Hudgens.

What? The wardrobe department could only find her HALF a shirt?

(I guess they were shopping at Forever 21…)

(I guess I have officially become my mother.)

But, by far the most distracting thing about the movie was The Curious Case of The Rock’s Nipples.

It was like that time when all of those braless pictures of Britney Spears came out and her nipples were pointing towards the ground and you actually had to turn your US Weekly magazine onto its side to try to confirm your beliefs that gravity had indeed not been kind to poor Brit-Brit. Also, Jennifer Aniston in every episode of Friends ever.

Seriously, those things should get top billing on imdb for this movie, because, seriously, I couldn’t see anything else.

Flying on bees? Nipples.

Finding underwater submarines? Nipples.

Playing the damn ukelele? Nipples.

Cuddling tiny elephants? Nipples.

Helicopter crashing? Nipples.

Walking on actual eggshells? Nipples.

Co-stars, indeed.

Also.

WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS ERECT?

WHY DO THEY FACE DUE SOUTH?

WHY ARE THEY DOWN AROUND HIS BELLY BUTTON?

Mystery!

Do not even get me started on how in one scene he makes them dance. He makes them rhythmically bounce and dance while he has people bounce fruit off of them.

I wonder if he has ‘bouncy, talented nipples’ on his resume or his Twitter bio. Because he really should.

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  1. OMG Henry’s been doing some pop thing with his since they saw the movie on Saturday!!!!! And why ARE they facing south? So strange, The Rock.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jana A (@jana0926) on February 21, 2012
  2. So, I thought I was the only one who had issues with nipple things.
    For years it drove me insane that on Biggest Loser the women went to weigh-in with perfect hair and makeup, and then had to wear just a sports bra – and their nipples were uneven. I get it if you are working out, but take a second to correct the nipple placement. That really really bugs me.
    But, The Rock? I love him. I will totally overlook it. Still. kinda weird. and unsettling.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laural on February 21, 2012
  3. Is it bad that I hoped this was a post about Vanessa Hudgens’s nipples?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Avitable on February 21, 2012
  4. Yeah, the Rock’s been creeping me out a bit lately. I think it has something to do with the horrible acting. For some reason we just watched Fast Five and I couldn’t stop laughing through the whole thing. The acting, the nipples, it was horrid. You would think sets would have a nipple guy!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Gamanda on February 21, 2012
  5. Me thinks it probably has something to do with his probable use of steroids? He did play at the University of Miami. And he used to be a lot bigger.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Steroids cause giant nipples that are in the wrong place and point towards the ground?

    Good to know.

    KIDS, don’t take steroids.

    [Reply]

    Kristabella replied on

    Well, in that photo, his nipples aren’t GIANT. But I would imagine that in addition to the shrinkage of his pecs (which would cause the drooping, kind of like women who have had babies) the steroids effed him up. I mean, that shit effs up your whole body.

    Also, he ain’t no spring chicken. Gravity is NO ONE’S FRIEND when it comes to nipples.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I love when you get punchy in my comments.

    See the movie.
    You will never unsee them.

    Comment by Kristabella on February 21, 2012
  6. forget the nipples, i’m laughing myself silly about V.H’s perineum. that was priceless! you slay me.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I swear. I was staring directly at her lady place.

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    Jana A (@jana0926) replied on

    My husband confirmed that there WERE in fact lady bits showing. I just read him the post after HE brought up the fact that VH’s pants were a little ill-fitting.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Louise on February 21, 2012
  7. hahahahaha now if I ever see this film this is ALL I will be thinking!!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Bronnie on February 21, 2012
  8. My nipples are always heading south. I have to say I’ve been caught several times in various bathrooms readjusting my tata’s for at least a half-mast situation in my shirt.

    [Reply]

    Comment by gorillabuns on February 22, 2012
  9. That kid, Josh Hutcherson is my 5 yr old boys favourite actor. He is in the original Journey to the center of the earth, Zathura (the follow up to Jumanji), Bridge to Terabithia, Polar Express, and a couple other crappier movies. My son gets excited every time he sees a movie with “Walter” (see Zathura) advertised. Your missing out if you haven’t seen these kid movies.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    That’s so funny! My 4th grader calls him WALTER too!

    [Reply]

    Comment by April on February 22, 2012
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