I’ve gotta say. I really wasn’t expecting to wake up to this today. And I swear to you, this isn’t like a Meryl Streep moment. I swear to you right now, I will punch something in the goiter if she gets up on that Oscar stage next month all “I’m so blown away! I didn’t expect this!” She’s expecting it. See also: Christopher Plummer. Not that I’m complaining. Other than a slightly distracting discoloration of Christopher Plummer’s nose (What is that? Is that an age thing?), Georg Von Trapp really can do no wrong in my books and I sincerely hope he sings Edelweiss up there when he accepts his award. You can all thank me for that later.

After having a Monday from somewhere deep down and hot (Read: Not Florida) that included no fewer than the following fun things:

…two hours on a this-is-going-absolutely-nowhere chat with some Adobe dudes in India,

…the discovery of a hacker (I have outed you MikeWink!) who has been having a gay old time adding all sorts of fun code into my site since 2009,

…SMASH: it’s really a shame that NBC hasn’t done any sort of promotion for this show…I kind of already hate it even though I haven’t even seen it yet,

…another hour on the phone with some Adobe dude who is not currently residing in India and really does understand my problem and yet still cannot help me even though I want to give Adobe my money. All I want to do is upgrade my Photoshop CS3 to Photoshop CS5 which cannot be done, even though I am not a pirate and I am carrying around a fully paid for and legitimate copy of Photoshop. The reason, I was told after THREE hours of my time, is that my Photoshop CS3 is part of a SUITE and I can only upgrade one if I upgrade them all. For a mere $699. Fuck that. I’m thinking about becoming a pirate. Maybe the Dread Pirate Roberts. All I will have to do is learn to fight the ROUS…but at least I will have a decent copy of CS5,

…the realization that Bachelor Ben is totally choosing Courtney to be his bride seatmate for the talk show circuit—I know this because Bachelor Ben is really great at decisions (I mean, have you even looked at his hair?),

…NOT ENOUGH COFFEE, because the coffee gnomes that live inside my home regularly swallow up all the semi-decent keurig k-cups and leave behind the crap that is only disguised as coffee but tastes kind of like what I imagine that coffee in Elf tastes like.

…actual googling the origin of the phrase “_____ ALL THE THINGS”, because I was getting a little tired of seeing the phrase peppered into my twitter stream, my facebook wall, my emails. Well played, Hyperbole and a Half. You started a revolution and I had no idea. Did you also invent the putting of periods between words to create emphasis? HAHA! Nice try, I. know. about. that. one. already,

…a bullying situation at school that is actually not really even a bullying situation but more of a sometimes boys kick each other swiftly in the gonads just for shits and giggles situation but my son is still off of all screens right now and I have to figure out what the next steps to this are but since I am equipped with female parts, I don’t understand how boys think, so that’s fun,

…a The Wire situation that is only a situation because I am balls deep into this show (Season 5, episode 3) and I just want to sit all day in front of my television and ignore the outside world and just plow through the rest of the series, but, alas, I made the mistake of saying, “Baby! Want to watch this show The Wire together? I think that would be great fun!” but you know, my baby? He has a life where he actually leaves the house sometimes and goes to work and plays hockey and doesn’t posses the same addiction problems as I do so he doesn’t want to just sit and watch into the wee hours of the morning. He did, however, indulge me by bringing the laptop on our Starbucks date on Sunday night—there’s nothing more romantic than two pairs of headphones, two Starbucks mild coffee mistos, and Jimmy McNulty getting hammered,

…complete and total mortification that I was actually, um, hot, from a Zac Efron movie trailer. This is a serious problem, kids, because, well, Zac Efron is A KID, but after seeing him in those black boxer briefs I’m all, RAWR, NO I’M THE LUCKY ONE (See what I did there?) and then I crawl into a hole and die because it’s ZAC EFRON. FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. There is nothing not shameful about this.

AND YET.

You guys. Really, I haven’t been this surprised since I found out that Viggo Mortensen has a tail.

I won second prize in a beauty contest THIS:

Someone thinks I’m funny.

Which is funny, because if you have met me in real life you will know exactly two things: I am kind of a midget and I am not funny. But I’ll take it. And I won’t even bore you with an acceptance speech where I thank my family for giving me the gift of regular blog fodder. I can, however, sing a rousing rendition of Edelweiss, if you you’d like. Wow. I REALLY wasn’t expecting this. My Susan Lucci-esque streak has ended. Apparently, I have arrived.