Do you take vitamins? I have sort of been toying with this idea of late but I am confused about vitamins and when I spend time looking at boxes at the pharmacy I start to confuse the vitamins with the feminine itch creams, because, seriously, the boxes are all the same. Pink and pretty, as if to say that growing older and having an itchy vagina are things you may really want to have. Look at the box, kids! So pretty! Scratch this!

I’m not exactly sure why I started thinking about it. It’s probably the whole geriatric thing. I mean, I hit thirty like it was nothing. My mental checklist was all…lack of wrinkles? Check! Ass still smokin’? Check! Boobs still where they are supposed to be? Check! Hair awesome? Check! Thirty is awesome! I love thirty! And then I hit 33. 33 is, well, not as awesome. While my boobs are still lovely (Hooray for the little boobs and the ability to buy bras off the clearance rack at Target!) some of my other parts seem to not be holding up as well. I’m starting to look old.

And I know what you are going to say.

Laugh lines are a sign of someone who has had a life full of laughter. 

Brow lines are a sign of someone who has furrowed her brow, deep in concentration while good a book, or overseeing her children’s homework, or worrying about her babies. 

Tummy pooches are a sign of someone who has grown three amazing babies.

And trust me. I get this. I get the whole MAMA WEARS HER WAR WOUNDS PROUDLY thing.

I get it.

I do.

I do wear them proudly.

I really have no complaints about what this body has been through in its 33 years. I have everything to be happy about and to be proud of. I have laughed, it’s true. I have worried, it’s true. And I have babied, it’s true. And I wouldn’t trade these things for anything. My life is amazing. I have never been so happy.

But is it really TOO much to ask to stay looking a little younger for a little while longer?

I could really do without all of this hair thinning.

I could really do without my ass disappearing.

I could really do without the dry skin.

I could really do without the knee pain.

I could really do without the freezing-cold extremities.

I could really do without the black, raccoon-like bags under my eyes.

Last night I had my cholesterol checked for the first time. I had a body-fat assessment done.

I stressed like hell about it.

I mean, I eat fairly well. But I do love butter, and I love to indulge. (I mean, we are currently undertaking The Great Chocolate-Chip Cookie Challenge at our house, baking everyone’s suggested best cookie recipes and trying to decide which recipe is our favorite.)

I mean, I exercise fairly well. But I haven’t seen the inside of a gym in, well, years, probably. And the last time I had an assessment done I was told that all 104 pounds of me was obese, due to the 27.7% body fat.

I mean, I take care of myself. But my family history of good things like heart disease and diabetes and Alzheimer’s scare the everloving shit out of me.

But, there’s good news.

Cholesterol. LOW and good.

Body fat. 20% and good.

He even suggested that I might need to gain some weight in my legs and arms.

And, well, you know what that means! Bring on the butter. And the cookies.

Although what he actually said was that I should bring on the gym and the vitamins.

So, there’s that.

So, any vitamins to recommend?