October 27 11

Here I am, adjusting my tights.

Tights and I? We have an interesting relationship. I love them, because, well, I am a fan of not freezing my lady parts in harsh Toronto winters. I hate them, because, well, I am also a fan of not having extra nylon and spandex congregate around my mid-section. No, really, this is a problem. I buy the right size for the height and weight. I go to put them on and after some very impressively bendy contortion=like moves, I find myself with extra material that can be pulled all the way up to my nipples. And, as an added bonus, there’s all sorts of extra dangly material down by my crotch as well. Tights are confusing for me.

So, I begin googling who I have to blame for this invention. Must be a man, right? No woman would invent something like this.

And then suddenly I’m down a pantyhose wormhole where the big question is whether or not Peggy’s wearing of pantyhose in the early 60s in that episode of Man Men was too early or just about right. Did you know that before the one-piece pantyhose hit the market (which were indeed developed by a man), women were wearing stockings with garter belts and suspenders attached?

This is what I need! Garter belts and suspenders and stockings! This will solve everything.

Wormholes, man. They suck the life out of me. (Times were simpler before Google.)

Also sucking the life out of me?

My 5:30am daily wake-up call.

Last night I actually fell asleep (before 10pm) while running lines for Emily’s play and while helping Josh study for his French spelling test.

I was only mildly helpful while playing the roles of the Auntie Em, munchkins, the scarecrow, Glinda the good witch and the wicked witch. I tried my darndest to be theatrical (What would Rachel Berry do?) because I think I only came off as distracting and off-putting. “Mama, obviously you need some more Rachel Berry lessons. You aren’t very good at this.” Ah, but that’s why I work on the internet. Nobody needs to hear my impression of The Great and Powerful Oz.

Which is probably why I fell asleep.

I assure you that I was hardly a help in the French department. Even though I live in Canada, I do not speak a lick of French. I can, however, tell you that milk is lait and bread is pain. Why yes, I do know all of my French from the Engligh/French food labeling. Ask me about cereal and honey and crackers and cookies. Go ahead…ask me! But when it comes to the spelling of the French word for fifty? Forget it. I’m hopeless.

Which is probably why I fell asleep.

Perhaps my time would be better spent napping and not, you know, googling very important things like “who invented pantyhose” and “where was the first circus” and “Moon River Breakfast at Tiffanys”

Yesterday, this lovely lady asked: Would you rather have an extra $50 or an extra two hours in your day?

The answer—for me—was obvious.

THE TWO HOURS.

You guys, I need them.

I told her that I would use the time to exercise and to cuddle my kids a little bit more. But, really, I would probably use them to stay afloat—to help with homework without falling asleep, to be able to make it through dinner without an extra coffee, to be able to go out with my friends, to be able to check backpacks, to be able to make sure we have lait in the house.

And maybe to invent some better-fitting tights. God knows that someone needs to. And preferably someone who actually has a vagina.

 

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  1. I’m sure you can buy the crotchless kind…

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sandy on October 27, 2011
  2. The garter belts and stockings would help with limiting nipple coverage, but wouldn’t save your lady parts from freezing…

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    You speak the truth. DAMMIT. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jessica on October 27, 2011
  3. Maybe shop at GAP kids? I went to college with a girl as wee as you and she did…

    Also? Pamplemousse!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I toyed with the idea on twitter…about buying tights in the children’s section. I just feel like they are all pink and white, yanno?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on October 27, 2011
  4. Many years ago I had a few pairs of low rise tights. They were great, they came up just past the hip bone. No rolling or bunching. I think they were from the Gap but I haven’t seem them for sale anywhere in ages.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Danielle on October 27, 2011
  5. I have a “friend” who sometimes wears Spanx over TOP of her tights to keep them in tact. Sounds weird, but it avoids the yanking of the crotch to adjust the bulk. …….that came out wrong.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Suzanne on October 27, 2011
  6. I have an opposite problem with tights, since even the “talls” aren’t long enough for my legs. But they assume all my height comes from my torso, WHICH IT DOES NOT, so I have the same bunching issue.

    This is why I don’t wear tights.

    Also, I’d so rather have an extra two hours. I could still get a decent amount of sleep AND get shit done.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on October 27, 2011
  7. I am fairly petite and I love the tights from H&M; have you tried those? Also, re: extra 2 hrs in the day vs. extra $50. Is it an extra 2 hrs in EVERY day vs. an extra $50 EVERY day? Or an extra 2 hrs in every day vs. a random extra $50. See? I think I’ve already overthought it. But it is a very, very iiiiinteresting question. My own 5:30 am wakeup call is also very painful!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I’m guessing the choice is for each day. $50 a day or 2 more hours each day.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen on October 27, 2011
  8. Just wear pants.

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    AH…look who knows so much.. (bonus point for guessing the correct movie…)

    I wear a lot of skirts because I have lost about 20 pounds since I last saw you and all of my work pants look kind of ridiculous. Skirt, even when they are big, work a lot better.

    ALSO, they are more flattering.

    [Reply]

    Avitable replied on

    Princess Bride, of course. This fellow’s only mostly dead!

    Skirts are generally good looking, but I’m just saying that pants are an easy solution OR just don’t shave your legs and let the leg hair keep you warm and avoid tights completely!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    I live in Canada.
    Woman can’t survive on leg hair alone, you know.

    Comment by Avitable on October 27, 2011
  9. I find the tights not so comfortable, but at the same time – the stockings are not appropriate for instance with a not so long skirt:( That’s why all my skirts are long but I really want to have some shorter ones. What shall I do?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Anna on October 27, 2011
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