August 12 11

There’s this spot near the entrance to the Finch subway station where some sort of air filter blows a steaming pile of hot air against you. You can’t avoid it, no matter how closely you walk against the opposite wall. Trust me, I have tried to scale the side of the wall all Spiderman-style to avoid the air blast, and it’s not simply because I wear dresses and skirts 99.9% of the time and it’s really super fun in the morning to have your skirt hem up around your ears so you can show off your daily choice in Hanky Panky color. No, the real reason to avoid it is for other reasons. It’s to avoid the whole remember when Bridget Jones takes her mini-break and loses her kerchief in the convertible and shows up looking something like the bride of Frankenstein when she arrives at the hotel? Or, well, you know when Sigourney Weaver gets all possessed by Zul and turns into a dog in Ghostbusters and shows up all windblown and frightening as hell?

Well, that.

(The role of Ali will be played by The Gatekeeper.)

So, truthfully, it makes almost no sense that knowing that I’m going to walk through a hot wind tunnel every morning before I show up at work, I still continue to blow dry and iron my hair every day. And I do. I hide in my bedroom bathroom and close all the doors and blow dry in my altogether. The closing of the doors is out of respect for my still-sleeping family. The nudity is out of respect for the sweat that happens when you are locked in a room with a blow dryer and an iron and no air circulation.

Hey, you know what’s a fun game I like to play while drying my hair? It’s called the boob game. It starts like this, “Wow, Ali, you boobs are seriously so super nice and still surprisingly perky, considering you have birthed three children and nourished them from those puppies for a total of 16 months of your life.” and it ends with, “Wow, Ali, what in tarnation happens to those suckers when you do that bend over to dry the bottom of your hair maneuver? Seriously, lady, you may want to avoid that movement. It’s humiliating for all parties involved, especially the pair involved in the very compromising low-hanging fruit position.”

(I am a vision. TRULY.)

There’s something eerily not dissimilar to sun-dried tomatoes, the humiliation of the tomato family.

(Which, incidentally, are really the only kind of tomatoes I like. Ponder that.)

I think the real lesson here is to never, ever bend down braless if you’ve had three children and some recently significant weight-loss.

Or maybe the real lesson here is to sleep for an extra 20-minutes in the morning and invest in hair clips and elastic bands.

Or maybe it’s that I really should watch more Jersey Shore and be thankful that I don’t have orange skin or bad fake boobs or WEAVE IN MY HAIR that gets burnt off with weird Italian flat irons. But so help me…if Sammy and Ronnie get back together I am going to come back here and talk some more about my awesome boobs. Y’all better pray they don’t get together. Also, BRENDAN? Back in the house on Big Brother? What is wrong with America? Are you all too busy worrying about your debt ceilings to vote the right person back into the Big Brother house? Can’t you just watch old episodes of The West Wing, learn something smart, and then get back to voting for crappy reality shows?

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  1. Thank you for the laugh this morning. And I’m not laughing at you…I’m laughing because I can truly relate to the fruit analogy. 2 kids and 25 months of breastfeeding. (I need to work on the weight loss part tho)

    [Reply]

    Comment by mapsgirl on August 12, 2011
  2. Even though I am so far child-free, I can still empathize with the low-hanging fruit comparison. (And I’m in the middle of the weight loss process, too.)

    It just makes me hate gravity so, so much.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Darcey on August 12, 2011
  3. I feel dirty.

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    ali replied on

    I hear the keymaster has that effect on people.

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    Avitable replied on

    Well, I’m a friend of the Keymaster and he asked me to meet him here.

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    ali replied on

    CRAP. She’s the gatekeeper isn’t she??

    Off to change. my uncoffeed brain did not serve me well early this am…

    Comment by Avitable on August 12, 2011
  4. Well, yeah, but it’s close enough. You still get to keep your geek cred. I wasn’t trying to correct you, just quoting at you!

    [Reply]

    ali replied on

    Well, the supernerd AND control-freak in me needed to change it.
    So, I thank you, sir :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Avitable on August 12, 2011
  5. That Zul, such a nut. : )

    [Reply]

    Comment by Parentopia Devra on August 12, 2011
  6. I’m really pissed at America for voting Brendan back in. REALLY. Like, I’m at the point of almost turning it off for good.

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    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] replied on

    I liked it so much better when Rachel was an uber whiney pants. At least Danielle won HOH this week.

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    Comment by Jen on August 12, 2011
  7. Big Brother is fixed. I realize this at about this point every year. Especially since Lawon had NO chance in that competition. They tailor them to certain people’s strengths.

    I also have the low-hanging fruit problem. And I have no kids.

    It reminds me of the Golden Girls episode when Dorothy and Blanche were talking about looking at your face in the mirror when you’re bent over and Blanche was all “I CAN NEVER BE ON TOP OF A MAN AGAIN!”

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    Comment by Kristabella on August 12, 2011
  8. this is one of the most profound and philosophical posts i have ever read… hmmm

    [Reply]

    Comment by dovev on August 14, 2011
  9. There’s so much going on here, I just have to comment and say that when I bend over to dry my hair in my altogether, I see torpedos. Which, unfortunately, is not the pointed pancakes I see when I stand back up.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on August 15, 2011
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