June 1 11

The weather in Toronto is glorious right now, except for that super pesky wind-thing that’s happening. Because, well, yes, I was that girl who was walking down Queen Street minding her own business and *whoosh* the bottom of her dress was no longer hitting at her knees, but was instead up around her entire face.

Yes.

I am nothing if not classy.

But I will tell you something…I’d rather be the accidental kind of unclassy and not the kind of unclassy the girl I rode the subway beside yesterday was guilty of. Oh man. So, yesterday, shortly after POTATO TUESDAY happened, I started to feel some belly gnomes auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance. It was bad news, I tell you. I had run all of these scenarios in my head, including one of the entire subway system being shut down due to a sick passenger. But, I decided that instead of moving into my office for good and crawling under my desk for a nap, I needed to take some tums and take my chancesUnCla and hope for the best.

So, while I stood on the subway, counting down the potato-free stations and counting how many were left until my stop, I distracted myself by people watching. It’s, by far, my most favorite game to play. There was the English couple who were playing the perfect tourists. There was the brand-new couple who were experts in canoodling. There was the adorable girl who did not know how to walk in heels. There was the hipster boy eating an ice cream cone on the subway (WHAT? Ew). There were the three teen girls who had no idea where they were going. And then there was the girl, the unclassy one, having the following conversation with her co-worker.

“OH! Do you want to see my engagement ring again? I can’t stop looking at it! It’s really amazing in all its 4-carat glory, isn’t it?”

“….”

“My fiance got it from THE JEWS.”

“…”

“You know, the super orthodox ones. They have cornered the market on diamonds, you know. They work really hard to rip people off…but they give special deals to other Jews. So we were lucky that way. That’s how I was able to get 4-carats. But, my god, they are such money grubbers. It’s sickening, really. And they don’t speak English as a way to intimidate. I think it’s like Hebrew or Yiddish or something gross like that.”

“….”

“So, anyway, we went to this wine-and-food tasting event last weekend. It was so amazing. I gained 3 whole pounds from it. And you know, I was wearing 4-inch stilettos, so I think people were a little intimidated by me.”

“Wait..were you not super uncomfortable standing around all night in 4-inch heels?”

“NO. Because I buy the really good AND REALLY EXPENSIVE shoes that are not, like, crap, like ALDO.”

“I think my wife wears ALDO.” (As do I. Often.)

“Um, want to hear about what my wedding dress is going to look like?”

“…”

And you thought it was the potato that made me want to hurl…

Yes, folks. I’d rather be the girl whose dress blows all the way up; that kind of non-class is excusable, at least.

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  1. Ah, there’s some kinds of non-class that is taught or happened upon. And then there’s the innate non-class that cannot be learned because it’s in the blood. Clearly that broad is at least third or fourth generation non-class.

    [Reply]

    Comment by MonsteRawr on June 2, 2011
  2. Oh my gosh. How ugly.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Karen Sugarpants on June 2, 2011
  3. That girl is not unclassy she is disgusting.

    [Reply]

    alimartell replied on

    Uh huh. Yes. That too.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dawn on June 2, 2011
  4. It’s amazing how some people seem to feel they’re in their own personal little conversation bubble on the subway, or walking down the street on their cell, and no one else can hear them spewing their nonsense. It’s bad enough that they actually think these things, but do we really have to hear about it?
    People! The subway is crammed full of strangers! And guess what? WE CAN HEAR YOU!!

    [Reply]

    alimartell replied on

    I really felt like adding my own $0.02…but I was afraid that she’d trample me with her super expensive stilettos. I was just wearing my low-class ALDO shoes, after all. Heh.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jessica on June 2, 2011
  5. I’m sitting here shaking my head. It makes you wonder what kind of guy would marry her.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on June 2, 2011
  6. Of all the… People like that make me so angry! Who still thinks like that? Sometimes it takes all of my self-control to bite my tongue. Pearls before swine, right?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Melme on June 2, 2011
  7. Wow. So disgusting.

    Although, I’m guilty of talking shit about certain people on the train and then I’m like “they could be on this train right now.”

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on June 2, 2011
  8. What a pig she is.
    Was there any way you could have “accidently” scuffed her SUPER EXPENSIVE non-ALDO shoes while getting off the subway? That would have been nice.

    [Reply]

    Comment by monstergirlee on June 2, 2011
  9. Wow. That just kept getting worse. Unbelievable. I’m really sorry Ali, it must be awful to hear things like that. Where do these preconceptions come from?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Heather on June 2, 2011
  10. Bless her heart. I’ll bet underneath all of that 4 carats of glory, she’s just a sniveling, insecure wreck.

    [Reply]

    Comment by JennyBean on June 2, 2011
  11. wow that girl sounds disgusting

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sensibly Sassy on June 3, 2011
  12. It startles me that there is still someone who would (openly) talk like that, on the subway no less. Sometimes I like the little rock that I live under north of the Big City. Sometimes I’m glad of how I teach in my classroom…breaking down that kind of conversation to stop it.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amanda on June 4, 2011
  13. Oh my. Classless is right. I feel sorry for her soon to be husband and future ignorant children.

    [Reply]

    Comment by The Onion on June 5, 2011
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