Have you ever tried to NOT TALK?

I recently spent three full days in my bed, and with the occasional complete and horrifying nausea I felt four times a day when I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and the grody-to-the-max, gag-me-with-a-spoon taste of both pudding and mashed potatoes (apparently, being on Tylenol 3s makes you a child of the 80s. Who knew? Wanna trade Garbage Pail Kids?) and the whole not sleeping thing and well THE PAIN, it was LOVELY. I swear. I wore my white cami and snowman pj pants for three days straight. I plowed through my DVR and watched a whole bunch of extra crap that I didn’t think I wanted to watch until I did and huzzah! hello, new favorite shows and hello! being almost caught up on The Young and the Restless. Nobody needed me to drive them anywhere. I didn’t have to break up any fights. I didn’t have to clean up any spills. I didn’t have to answer the phone. I didn’t have to fold any laundry. I didn’t have to do any homework. I didn’t have to let Indy out.

It was almost a vacation. Almost.

But…then, life happens. Nobody feels bad for you anymore. It’s over, Johnny. You had your three days of recovery, and you have to put on your (CLEAN) big girl panties and go back to normalcy. You have to go out in the freezing cold. You have to drive carpool. You have to go to work. You have to pick up carpool. You have to help with homework. You have to clean up spills. You have to break up fights. You have to feed snacks and more snacks and more snacks. You have to help your daughter learn the songs to Grease. You have to make your daughter stop singing songs from Grease when everyone gets annoyed by it. You have to make the rice. You have to let the dog out. You have to let the dog in. You have to make sure Isabella is dressed properly for school – snowpants, hats, gloves, boots.

Only, I wasn’t ready.

I am fairly certain that I ripped a stitch. Or got something caught in it. Or something. I was down to almost no painkillers and I was getting pretty excited to be weaned off the meds…only out of nowhere? PAIN. Bad pain. On the entire right side of my face. Throbbing pain. Also, extra swelling! Whee! But, I mean, how was I do avoid this? Stay holed up in my room forever? Not ever try to eat any normal foods again when all I can think about it a pizza slice the size of my head? Pretend that the spills aren’t happening? Ignore the fighting?

NOT TALK??!?!??!

My kids are super bad at sign language and my husband is even worse at playing charades and, conveniently, his Gchat decided to stop working on him today. I even tried the Diving Bell and Butterfly-esque blinking method, but no one here seemed to catch on to that one. Seriously, I am living with amateurs. Who doesn’t know how to write an entire book by only blinking your left eye? I mean, come on!