November 23 10

Once upon a time, I was implanted with a Mirena IUD. And once upon a time, it was the very best thing EVER. I mean, can you say no babies AND no periods? The only problem I had with it was, well, the lovely woman who put the sucker in asked me, ahem, how, um, big my husband was. And, you know, since it’s been so long since we’ve pulled out the ole ruler, I used the, um, “it’s about yay big” method and apparently it was an underestimation and the husband was in fact bigger than I had guesstimated, so, he, um, sometimes got poked. And, I mean, there’s nothing sexier than being thrown across the room after poking your husband on his wiener head. I swear, he went all Edward Cullen on my ass and actually tossed me clear across the room. But, yes, THAT was the biggest problem.

Now, more than 2.5 years in, I am no longer in love with my IUD. It is no longer the very best thing EVER. I mean, while I still have no more babies, what I DO have THE RETURN OF THE PERIOD, complete with proactiv-needing skin, cramps galore, and PMS that might make my husband leave me. Brilliant.

So, not only is having my period back in my life annoying as hell, it also makes for some fun situations.

Take this lovely bathroom-time conversation between Miss Isabella and me, for example.

“WHAT IS THAT MOMMY?”

“It’s nothing.”

“WHAT IS IT OH MY GOD IT LOOKS LIKE A PEN!”

“It’s nothing.”

“MOMMY WHY ARE YOU PUTTING A PEN INSIDE YOUR PAGINA? OH MY GOD MOMMY! DADDY IS GOING TO YELL AT YOU BECAUSE PENS ONLY BELONG ON THE TABLE!”

“No, baby, I am not. It’s called a tampon.”

“IT LOOKS LIKE A WHISTLE. IS A TAMPLON A WHISTLE, MOMMY?”

“No, it’s not a whistle. I promise.”

“WHAT IS IT?”

“Ask Daddy.”

Yes, Isabella, you ask Daddy about the tampons and I’ll ask him when he’s going to get his vasectomy already because I am so done with this stupid Mirena.

In fact, I am having it removed today. I hope the threat of having Martell baby 4.0 will be enough to send him to have his nuts vasectomized.

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  1. Ok, so I still picture you as this 6 year old cute little blonde girl running around with my little sister. This is just too much. Lol! You crack me up everyday.

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    Comment by Leni on November 23, 2010
  2. Poor Gav. Getting poked on your wiener head is serious business!

    This may be one of your funniest posts yet, especially if you’re like me and decide to read Bella’s part of the conversation out loud.

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    Comment by Avitable on November 23, 2010
  3. Oh lady. If you get the Martell 4.0, I’m laugh my ass off.

    PS – Oliver had the very same questions about “pens” once, an I also sent him to his father. It’s just moar bettah that way.

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    Comment by Grumble Girl on November 23, 2010
  4. OMG, “pagina” still totally cracks me up! :)

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    Comment by Nenette on November 23, 2010
  5. Hilarious! Tell your hubby that he gets to go out and have a big steak dinner with his buddies the night before getting the big V. That’s what my huz and all his friends do. The last supper lol

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    Comment by Kathy on November 23, 2010
  6. My oldest is only 3. When she sees the tampon she asks what it is, and I can just say “It’s a tampon. It’s for when Mommy has her period.” Then she walks away.

    I guess in a few years it won’t be so easy.

    Also, pagina. I love it!

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    Comment by Angela on November 23, 2010
  7. HAHAHA!! :)

    I have an IUD too and I’ve had it about 18 months. I loved it and now I hate it. My period is back, my skin looks like that of a 13 yr old boy, and I’m moody as hell. I’m getting mine removed too.

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    Comment by Michelle on November 23, 2010
  8. That’s awesome. Just awesome.
    “MOMMY WHY ARE YOU PUTTING A PEN INSIDE YOUR PAGINA? OH MY GOD MOMMY! DADDY IS GOING TO YELL AT YOU BECAUSE PENS ONLY BELONG ON THE TABLE!”
    I don’t know why I’m quoting that, because, you know.. you were there. My kids would totally say the same thing if they ever saw mummy putting a pen/whistle somewhere it didn’t belong.
    As for the big V – surely a little outpatient procedure and a bag of frozen peas is better than getting poked in the weiner unexpectedly?

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    Comment by Jessica on November 23, 2010
  9. Dying laughing over here.

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    Comment by Sarahviz on November 23, 2010
  10. That’s hysterical.

    In other news, I’ve been considering getting an IUD, since our insurance status fluctuates a lot. But if it’s going to mean stabbing my husb in the dick every time we fuck, maybe not.

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    Comment by MonsteRawr on November 23, 2010
  11. LOVE those bathroom conversations when you really would like just ONE MOMENT of privacy, PLEASE?!

    But yeah, me, I wade right in with the explanation about what period is. I really do. I know, I’m stupid.

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    Comment by kittenpie on November 23, 2010
  12. I’m still considering the Mirena though — no periods is worth stabbing him once in a while.;) I’ll make sure I estimate LARGE (it’s the Jewish secret). My hubs is a neat freak so my kids would so worry about misplaced pens too…

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    Comment by Emma @ embracethecha on November 23, 2010
  13. EMMA! I just spit my coffee out at THE JEWISH SECRET. hahahahaha.

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    Comment by ali on November 23, 2010
  14. I have not laughed this much in a lonnnng time!

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    Comment by Lesley on November 23, 2010
  15. Birth control is evil. All men should get vasectomies when they don’t want more kids. Just try not to make the doctor laugh while he’s performing the surgery. The hubbies don’t appreciate that much. My vasectomy post is not as funny as yours. Probably because it didn’t involve having to explain tampons to children. http://coconutnoodlemonkey.blo.....mmers.html

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    Comment by Lorna on November 23, 2010
  16. This seems to be a common theme. I’m getting mine removed next week. Not for the poking reason, but because it’s making me crazy.

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    Comment by C @ Kid Things on November 23, 2010
  17. You just reminded me of a very important appointment I need to make… for my husband.

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    Comment by One Mom (Kristina) on November 23, 2010
  18. It would be wrong for me to teach my kids the word “pagina” on purpose, wouldn’t it? Damn.

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    Comment by Diane on November 23, 2010
  19. Too funny.

    I am getting mine removed next week but that is because I have decided I am ready for kids….well as ready as I will ever be.

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    Comment by Dawn on November 23, 2010
  20. Jason and I were just talking about going this route and getting one in… If asked, I’ll have to remember to be generous about his– cough– endowments. (I can’t be getting thrown around rooms. I bruise easily.)

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    Comment by becca on November 23, 2010
  21. So Funny! I too have had the mirena for about 3 years, and am ready to yank that bad-boy out. My kids are definately all over the tampons now, since they’ve never seen them before. The conversation with Isabella was hilarious!

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    Comment by Christine on November 23, 2010
  22. Absolutely hysterical.

    Still loving my Mirena over here.

    Hmmm… I do sometimes wonder though, if it’s putting me in a bad PMS all the time mood… or if maybe I’m just bitchy because I’m bitchy.

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    Comment by Colleen on November 23, 2010
  23. Is it wrong that I’m slightly saddened that my husband had a vasectomy when he was 25 and I never had a chance to get an IUD and poke him in his weiner head?

    Dying laughing.

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    Comment by Redneck Mommy on November 23, 2010
  24. Just a warning-if he gets the stomach flu a week after having it done, all the puking will re-open the incision.

    My poor husband.

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    Comment by midgetinvasion on November 23, 2010
  25. OMG. I won’t be able to look you (or our sweet Chef Dad) in the eye EVER AGAIN. *blush*

    And lady, you so need to take the lead from Angela and Alice. Just say it.

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    Comment by Jen Maier on November 23, 2010
  26. She’s five. She would ask me a million and a half questions…while all I want to do is have a moment of privacy. It’s much easier to tell her to ask daddy. heh.

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    Comment by ali on November 23, 2010
  27. Oh you think it’s easy but just wait until she hears Daddy’s version and you gotta go fixin’ all that. I speak from experience. Not good.

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    Comment by Jen Maier on November 23, 2010
  28. ha! You are probably right. I may have ruined her for life.

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    Comment by ali on November 23, 2010
  29. HAAAA!!! I love it. I’m so glad I have a daughter too so we can gang up on daddy when it’s our turn to have the snip-snip discussion (he thinks we’re using condoms forever. HE IS WRONG.)

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    Comment by Manda on November 23, 2010
  30. Thank you for COMPLETELY making my day.

    I didn’t have the Mirena, but I had the copper IUD. AND IT FAILED AND I GOT PREGNANT (it also poked my boyfriend-at-the-time, so, yea, I get, um, that) (except he didn’t throw me across the room, he just wasn’t very happy with me). So, I’m with you on your hatred of IUDs.

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    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on November 23, 2010
  31. Ali – I don’t have a Mirena anymore. It went AWOL. I am NOT kidding. That would be why I haemmoraghed 5 weeks ago aka I had a miscarraige. Like WTF? After x-rays and ultrasounds (3d and all) and internals, NO Mirena. But I do now have a little 10mm in my bladder to contend with which was found incidentally. I am having surgery tomorrow. Good luck – I never had any skin problems with the Mirena or any other side effects except being gloriously period-free. Damn it, I’m gonna miss that thing.

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    Comment by Heidi on November 23, 2010
  32. I was laughing out loud, that was so funny. I actually always think that is going to happen at my house, my 4 yr old walking in while I’m changing one, and when it finally does I will definitely tell her to ask daddy. perfect.

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    Comment by Taryn on November 23, 2010
  33. That’s why I read your blog. period. (no pun intended…ok, kinda intended) ;)

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    Comment by suzanne on November 24, 2010
  34. Fantastic! Still laughing over here.

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    Comment by Laura on November 24, 2010
  35. THE HORROR!!!11!!!!!

    ohhhhhh the horror of my kids seeing me do that.

    *shudders*

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    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on November 24, 2010
  36. HAHAHAHA poke his weiner head. That’s beyond awesome.

    Well, not the poking part – though, I bet it is nice to get him back for all the poking. Heh.

    I am over my Mirena too. It’s funny though, I never had issues with my first one, but this one? HATE.

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    Comment by sam {temptingmama} on November 24, 2010
  37. This was the funniest post ever!
    Also, I was going to ask my Ob-Gyn about getting the IUD, and now you’re making me re-consider it. Because I don’t wany any more babies and no more periods are a totally bonus, too. And being on the pill after so many years off the pill is impossible, because I always forget to take it!
    ALSO. The tampon discussion with children is ridiculous and horrible and proves why it is so important we be allowed to go the bathroom alone, dammit!

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    Comment by Loukia on November 24, 2010
  38. HILARIOUS!

    I have had the copper IUD for two years with no issues. Good luck with your removal today!

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    Comment by Nanette on November 24, 2010
  39. I just had my Mirena removed last week after about eight months of hell. Worst periods, skin and moods EVER. I’m convinced the Mirena works in that it makes a woman so goddamn grumpy and unattractive, no man would ever want to have sex with her. No sex = no babies!

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    Comment by Jen on November 24, 2010
  40. hahaah JEN! Best comment ever!

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    Comment by ali on November 24, 2010
  41. Nanette,
    After reading about all these IUD horror stories I am just going to focus on your comment. I just (like last week) got a copper IUD and am hoping for no penis head poking, missing IUD.

    Ali,
    maybe your IUD isn’t working because you are sticking pens up your pagina!

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    Comment by Sensibly Sassy on November 24, 2010
  42. I just had to make this choice a week or so ago and I’m sooo glad I didn’t go the IUD route. My doctor really loves Mirena, but he’s male so what does he know, anyway?

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    Comment by mary on November 24, 2010
  43. There really are no words. Other than: There’s a reason I always click on your blog the millisecond I see it in my Reader (and leave others out to dry for days on end). Just sayin’.

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    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on November 24, 2010
  44. I was just at the doctors discussing IUD’s with my husband a couple of days ago. The doctor never mentioned poking… I don’t think I will share that little fact with my husband until the IUD is safely in… I didn’t know that your period returns… WOW. I am scared of hormones, so I am going with the other version….

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    Comment by Hilary on November 25, 2010
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