Once upon a time, I was implanted with a Mirena IUD. And once upon a time, it was the very best thing EVER. I mean, can you say no babies AND no periods? The only problem I had with it was, well, the lovely woman who put the sucker in asked me, ahem, how, um, big my husband was. And, you know, since itâ€™s been so long since weâ€™ve pulled out the ole ruler, I used the, um, â€œitâ€™s about yay bigâ€ method and apparently it was an underestimation and the husband was in fact bigger than I had guesstimated, so, he, um, sometimes got poked. And, I mean, thereâ€™s nothing sexier than being thrown across the room after poking your husband on his wiener head. I swear, he went all Edward Cullen on my ass and actually tossed me clear across the room. But, yes, THAT was the biggest problem.
Now, more than 2.5 years in, I am no longer in love with my IUD. It is no longer the very best thing EVER. I mean, while I still have no more babies, what I DO haveÂ THE RETURN OF THE PERIOD, complete with proactiv-needing skin, cramps galore, and PMS that might make my husband leave me. Brilliant.
So, not only is having my period back in my life annoying as hell, it also makes for some fun situations.
Take this lovely bathroom-time conversation between Miss Isabella and me, for example.
â€œWHAT IS THAT MOMMY?â€
â€œWHAT IS IT OH MY GOD IT LOOKS LIKE A PEN!â€
â€œMOMMY WHY ARE YOU PUTTING A PEN INSIDE YOUR PAGINA? OH MY GOD MOMMY! DADDY IS GOING TO YELL AT YOU BECAUSE PENS ONLY BELONG ON THE TABLE!â€
â€œNo, baby, I am not. Itâ€™s called a tampon.â€
â€œIT LOOKS LIKE A WHISTLE. IS A TAMPLON A WHISTLE, MOMMY?â€
â€œNo, itâ€™s not a whistle. I promise.â€
â€œWHAT IS IT?â€
Yes, Isabella, you ask Daddy about the tampons and Iâ€™ll ask him when heâ€™s going to get his vasectomy already because I am so done with this stupid Mirena.
In fact, I am having it removed today. I hope the threat of having Martell baby 4.0 will be enough to send him to have his nuts vasectomized.