I’m talking about you, Starbucks.
I used to buy a lot of Starbucks coffee. Actually, I take it back. I used to buy a lot of Starbucks lattes because, you guys, have you tasted their regular coffee? It tastes like ass. It really does. It’s too strong and too bitter and no amount of cream and sugar can help doctor it enough to make it drinkable. It’s like hospital coffee. (Read: not good). So, their regular coffee, which, ps, is the only relatively affordable menu item is not an option for me.
So,considering my options, it’s about $4 for me to buy a drink. And don’t get me started on their evil fall ways when they bring back the Pumpkin Spice Latte that is truly delicious if you get them to give you only one pump of pumpkin syrup instead of the regular 4, which is just way too sweet, but, just so you know, even if they are only giving you 1/4 of the amount of syrup, they are still charging you the $5 for it, so, I usually have me about two pumpkin spice lattes a season, and I try to get the second one when someone else is treating.
Because $5? FOR A COFFEE?!?!?
It’s good. But it’s not $5 good. It’s not even $3 good. I’d rather go to Tim Hortons and buy myself a large coffee for under $2. There’s no guilt involved there. I can spring for the twoonie every day and not feel a lick of guilt. And, as my lovely boss Jen knows, it lasts me all day, thanks to the wonder of the microwave (Read: I AM GROSS).
And then, Starbucks, once you’ve got me into the store, you taunt me with your delicious baked goods. The blueberry streusel muffin, the lemon poppy loaf, the pumpkin bread, the cinnamon scone, the oat and fudge bar, the ginger molasses cookie, those mini doughnuts.
These things make me salivate while I sit and wait for my barista to take my order. But, kids, who has the money or the 1,000 calories to spare on their morning coffee run? Who do they think I am..a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?
And now tonight?
Tonight, Starbucks, you pushed me over the edge. Not only did some scary man sneeze on me while I was waiting in your long line. ON MY FACE, people. I am probably, likely sitting here being infected with some airborne illness through this fellow passenger’s snot-filled sneeze as we speak. BUT, I thought…SELF, be smart…the last time you flew there was a ridiculous amount of turbulence because of a so-called WEATHER BOMB over Toronto and the entire midwest, and there were too many people around you using their barf bags so eat something sensible..like a bagel. So, I did. I avoided my first instinct, which was a lovely scone of some sort that smelled a little like I imagine Jon Hamm probably smells like, and got the PLAIN BAGEL.
And then I raced to my gate so I could snag the only outlet available. And then I pulled out my bagel.
My stale bagel.
Hell if I was getting up to run all the way down to the other end of the D concourse to go back to Starbucks and stand in line for another 30 minutes to complain and ask for a refund (do they give refunds there?) and give up my primo seat.
Starbucks, this may be the end.
As soon as I finish using what’s left on my gift card. Or maybe no one will notice if I give someone a gift card with only $6.47 on it. Happy Birthday, enjoy a drink and half a muffin on me!