Warning: I cannot believe I am admitting this on the internet.
I swear, if you told me that I could only watch TLC and Discovery Health channel for the rest of my days, I could probably get on board with this. Between Hoarding: Buried Alive and Cake Boss and Say Yes to the Dress and ohmigod, Sister Wives. And don’t get me started on little people, because I could watch anything about midgets. And then there’s Mystery Diagnosis and Maternity Ward and, the fan favorite, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,
which I am both baffled by and absolutely addicted to. I mean, REALLY? How on earth?
“Oh, hello, Kate. Actually, you aren’t really Kate, you are the better looking actress we chose toÂ reenact Kate’s dumbassery on the small screen.Â Â But, anyway, Kate. NO, you aren’t just tired and cranky and fat and suffering from indigestion. You, my friend, are in active labor. Let’s get this baby out! And don’t worry about all the drinking and smoking and coke lines you did while you didn’t know you were pregnant…because miraculously, your baby is going to be just fine!”
Yes. I admit it. These shows are, like, my crack.
Only, they probably aren’t very good for me because on Saturday night, after the Yom Kippur fast, while I was chowing down on this and drinking my second cup of coffee, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY A MISTAKE BECAUSE DRINKING TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AFTER NOT EATING OR DRINKING ANYTHING FOR 25 HOURS IS NOT A SMART IDEA (the should probably give me my own show on TLC. Or something), I was all, “Oof! My stomach is rumbling. We better get down to L&D so I can deliver the baby that I didn’t know I was pregnant with!”
Could you even imagine? I mean, honestly, I sometimes think that would be awesome. It’s like you get to reap all the benefits and bring a baby home without having to deal with all the crappy parts of pregnancy. Those days when you want to wear a giant sign around your neck that says, “No just fat, I’m legitimately pregnant, so give me your effing seat on the subway!” because, no, you really just think you are fat. Or you and one of those women who loses 21 pounds while she doesn’t know she’s pregnant.
Some days, when I look at pictures of perfectly perfect new babies (I mean, have you seen baby OlliePop?) or when I hold them in my arms, for a split second I forget that on some days my kids are total monsters and I forget that babies aren’t down with that whole sleeping thing and that like to make your nipples bleed and need you to wipe their butts and they cry a lot, I’m all…OOH, let’s have us another baby!! Well, on those days, I wish that I could just go to the hospital and have them be all “hello, Ali’s stunt double, you are in active labor. Let’s get you an epidural and get that puppy out!” “What’s that you say? My surprise baby is actually twins? Perfect! the more the merrier! I always wanted to be a family of seven!”
And then I snap out of it and put on Mad Men.
makes for much lovelier (and dirtier) thoughts.
Brother Husbands, maybe?