September 20 10

Warning: I cannot believe I am admitting this on the internet.

I swear, if you told me that I could only watch TLC and Discovery Health channel for the rest of my days, I could probably get on board with this. Between Hoarding: Buried Alive and Cake Boss and Say Yes to the Dress and ohmigod, Sister Wives. And don’t get me started on little people, because I could watch anything about midgets. And then there’s Mystery Diagnosis and Maternity Ward and, the fan favorite, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,

which I am both baffled by and absolutely addicted to. I mean, REALLY? How on earth?

“Oh, hello, Kate. Actually, you aren’t really Kate, you are the better looking actress we chose to reenact Kate’s dumbassery on the small screen.  But, anyway, Kate. NO, you aren’t just tired and cranky and fat and suffering from indigestion. You, my friend, are in active labor. Let’s get this baby out! And don’t worry about all the drinking and smoking and coke lines you did while you didn’t know you were pregnant…because miraculously, your baby is going to be just fine!”

Yes. I admit it. These shows are, like, my crack.

Only, they probably aren’t very good for me because on Saturday night, after the Yom Kippur fast, while I was chowing down on this and drinking my second cup of coffee, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY A MISTAKE BECAUSE DRINKING TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AFTER NOT EATING OR DRINKING ANYTHING FOR 25 HOURS IS NOT A SMART IDEA (the should probably give me my own show on TLC. Or something), I was all, “Oof! My stomach is rumbling. We better get down to L&D so I can deliver the baby that I didn’t know I was pregnant with!”

Could you even imagine? I mean, honestly, I sometimes think that would be awesome. It’s like you get to reap all the benefits and bring a baby home without having to deal with all the crappy parts of pregnancy. Those days when you want to wear a giant sign around your neck that says, “No just fat, I’m legitimately pregnant, so give me your effing seat on the subway!” because, no, you really just think you are fat. Or you and one of those women who loses 21 pounds while she doesn’t know she’s pregnant.

Some days, when I look at pictures of perfectly perfect new babies (I mean, have you seen baby OlliePop?) or when I hold them in my arms, for a split second I forget that on some days my kids are total monsters and I forget that babies aren’t down with that whole sleeping thing and that like to make your nipples bleed and need you to wipe their butts and they cry a lot, I’m all…OOH, let’s have us another baby!! Well, on those days, I wish that I could just go to the hospital and have them be all “hello, Ali’s stunt double, you are in active labor. Let’s get you an epidural and get that puppy out!” “What’s that you say? My surprise baby is actually twins? Perfect! the more the merrier! I always wanted to be a family of seven!”

And then I snap out of it and put on Mad Men.

Because this?

makes for much lovelier (and dirtier) thoughts.

Brother Husbands, maybe?

WHAT?

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  1. I’ll take a Joan and Peggy sandwich. Yes, Peggy.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Avitable on September 20, 2010
  2. What about Kate Plus 8? No love for Kate and her chickens?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] on September 20, 2010
  3. OMIGOSH, I love that you mentioned the actress portrayals of the real people – those are the very best part!! And I feel the same way about those sweet babies until I remember all the same stuff. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by pgoodness on September 20, 2010
  4. I am happily enjoying your take on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” and totally laughing at the better looking actors than the actual people, because that ALWAYS cracks me up. Do you think the people are offended?

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who watches that crap. Say Yes to the Dress is my FAVORITE.

    Oh, and Ollie says thanks for the shout out!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Meghan on September 20, 2010
  5. Okay, a big ME TOO. I just finished an episode of IDKIWP (new acronym!) and I have to say that woman was a new level of STUPID. She had extremely high blood pressure and suddenly gave birth at home ALONE and didn’t go to the hospital or tell anyone for TWO DAYS because she wanted her husband to get home from his business trip first. She wanted to surprise him IN PERSON.

    SERIOUSLY WOMAN? Sometimes I get the not knowing thing – she didn’t show or anything and had light bleeding (“periods”), but REALLY? GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Idiot.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mrs. Wilson on September 20, 2010
  6. I had so many interesting comments on this post – and then they all fell out of my head when I saw Avitable’s comment… Peggy? Really?!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Gav on September 20, 2010
  7. So yep, was right there with you about the whole pregnant and not knowing thing…how is that possible? Then I met someone who really didn’t know until she had the baby in the toilet. I kid you not…the grandma/mom was there to confirm it. She “hid” it well, didn’t gain a lot of weight and apparently thought she had gas (yes, for 9 months apparently).

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amanda on September 20, 2010
  8. I knew there had to be other people out there who watch this shit; They wouldn’t keep it on just for me. I love watching Hoarders; every once in a while I get worried while watching and think “at least I don’t have a cat.”

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jessica on September 20, 2010
  9. Sister Wives?! I must watch that, where have I been?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Maria on September 21, 2010
  10. diry, dirty, dirty thoughts….

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laura on September 21, 2010
  11. OMG, what is it about TLC that sucks you in no matter how much you try to resist?! I was pregnant with Min and I just couldn’t tear myself away from Maternity Ward!
    As for the actors on ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’, I think the people are really thinking “oh, they think I look like that, so I guess I must!” Delusional.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Nenette on September 21, 2010
  12. I’m so excited for Sister Wives this Sunday!

    Also, Hoarders on A&E is 100 times better than the TLC knockoff.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on September 23, 2010
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