July 8 10

I am fairly certain one of the four of us was going to get kidnapped at Target today. And I’m pretty sure that someone was yours truly, because, well, my children had lots of energy to spare post-camp and don’t really understand the concept of an inside voice and honestly, rowdy children don’t make very good kidnapping victims. Also, I saw the way the dude with the budweiser boxer shorts and no teeth was eyeing me from across the aisle. It was an “I want to eat your face” look. And not in a good way.

It started pretty much like any other trip to Target starts. With a list. Chi flat iron. Leotard. Nail clipper. Water Bottles. I popped Target into the GPS and found, I think, three in Wisconsin. How is that even possible? There were three Targets within ten minutes of my house in Atlanta. Three in the entire state? “Wisconsin is Kohl’s country,” says my mother. But, really, Mother, they are not even in the same league. Have you ever tried to buy a toddler-sized container of cheese balls while buying artwork for your wall while buying tampons while buying a camera lens while buying Bella Swan’s bedding while buying gift wrap at Kohl’s? It can’t be done, is what I’m saying.

So, we headed to the nearest one, which, when I say nearest, I really mean pretty much in friggin’ Nunavut but, folks, I am a stubborn fool and I have a hard-on for Target and we were going there today.

Until my GPS took me to

wait for it…


Oh yes, she did. She told me she was taking me to Target, but took me to Walmart instead. I get it, Walmart. You are no longer hyphenated and you traded in your boring old star for some cartoon-y sunburst or something to make the housewives happier about shopping at your store, but I am not buying it. You are not Target. You will never be Target. No matter what my bloody GPS tells me. Little did she know that I have a weird sixth sense for finding stores that like to suck my wallet dry (sometimes I randomly find myself at Anthropologie and don’t even know how I got there)(true story).

I found it all on my own.

Only this was not the Target I was looking for. This was MY Target’s crazy metal-plated Cousin Eddie.

(I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh?)

(sidebar: My official Halloween costume for next year)

Anyhoo. I did manage to get a giant container of cheese balls. And a leotard. And water bottles. And my Chi iron. And a nail clipper. And two Berenstein Bears books (because, seriously, if I have to read The Lorax one more time…) And pretzels. and gum. And a dress for Isabella.

But all of this was done in under, um, about 8 minutes because of, well, in addition to the scary toothless man who wanted to eat my face, there were far too many policemen in one place for my liking. A policeman at every turn means there’s a need for a policeman at every turn, which, really, can never really mean anything good. And you know what else is never a good sign? When things like nail files and razors are locked behind glass cases. No ma’am.

I was hightailing it out of there. Quick.

So I could get my ass to Kohl’s.

  1. Shame on your GPS- what a dirty trick! Should have moved west to MN- you can’t throw a rock here without landing on a shiny new Target.


    Comment by rkmama on July 8, 2010
  2. My college girlfriend lives in Milwaukee and is the district manager for Kohls. She fills my inbox with coupons and I am always like WTF STOP – it’s Kohls.


    Comment by OHmommy on July 8, 2010
  3. wisconsin is all about walmart from what I’ve heard. But supposedly you can get anything and everything and then some at the super walmart there.


    Comment by rayli on July 8, 2010
  4. Walmart is GROSS. There is one very close to my house and it just LOOKS gross, it smells gross, and the people that are in there are almost always gross. Call me a snob, I don’t give a shit. my ass shops at TARGET!


    Comment by Michelle on July 8, 2010
  5. I have a love/hate relationship with Kohl’s. I love their housewares and jewelry and hate just about everything else. I gotta give it to them though, they know how to have a sale. And yeah, Walmart is crap compared to Target. I only go to Walmart when I have to. Like to get my favorite hot dogs that no one else wants to carry. Or Dickies for my husband.


    Comment by Carrisa on July 8, 2010
  6. Walmarts in the States scare me…the one here is actually quite nice. But oh, to have a Target nearby…


    Comment by Angella on July 8, 2010
  7. haha… I guarantee there’s more than 3 target stores in WI. I live in MN, but have been to various WI towns and I always see signs for Target.

    Kohls = lame.


    Comment by Amy on July 8, 2010
  8. i dispise Walmart. I’ve had five gift cards from there for a year and a half and have yet to set foot in there.

    All our Walmarts are gangland and pedophile hang outs.


    Comment by gorillabuns on July 9, 2010
  9. I actually don’t mind Kohl’s too much. I have gotten a few cute things from there.

    BUT…Kohl’s isn’t even in the same league as Target. I cannot get toilet paper AND flip flops at Kohl’s!

    I won’t go to Walmart. The ones just on the outskirts of the city (no Walmarts allowed in the city of Chicago) are SKETCH!


    Comment by Kristabella on July 9, 2010
  10. You are a great writer. Everyone has had that sketchy shopping experience and can relate.


    Comment by Linda on July 9, 2010
  11. Lawd! I live in Wisconsin and yes I’ve been to Kohls and no I do not plan on going back. About time someone called Kohls out! Don’t…you…know…hey?


    Comment by BuenoBabyGirl on July 9, 2010
  12. I’m going to guess that’s what the Midwest is like everywhere you go.


    Comment by Avitable on July 10, 2010
  13. Whoa, that GPS is evil!


    Comment by Nenette on July 11, 2010
  14. I’m sending this post straight to Scott. He actually deigned to say the other day: “WalMart, Target, JC Penney’s, what’s the difference? They all have that vaguely white trash element to them.” NO HE DID NOT. JC Penney’s, fair enough; WalMart, maybe. But TARGET? League of its own, people.


    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on July 11, 2010
  15. Our new Super Walmart is actually pretty nice and one of the 3 places to grocery shop in our city. I do love my Target and if it ever became a Super Target…well, I would be fearful for the checking account.


    Comment by DE Heather on July 23, 2010

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