If I’m being honest, I am the very worst ebayer ever. Really, I am. If I really want to win something…there’s a good chance I won’t. Actually, there’s more than a good chance. I will find, say, a pair of jeans. They are exactly the ones I tried on at Nordstrom. In fact, they are the exact same pair I have at home. 7 for all Mankind. Dojo. 26. New York Dark Wash. I overpaid for the first pair I own, but seriously, they were so worth it. Not since a pair of lululemons has my ass looked so good in a pair of pants. (ps. Shauna Glenn‘s ass looks good in hers too…she has the same ones) But, alas, after two years of washing and wearing them too much, they have stretched and shrunk and now can really only be worn with flats, which, you know, I don’t even own.

So, I bid on a new pair on ebay. I forget that I bid on it. I lose the jeans. I find another pair. I bid on that pair. I forget that I bid on it. I lose the jeans. I find yet another pair and swear that THIS time, I won’t forget. So, I decide to wait until the last minute to bid…but by then, the jeans are in some sort of bidding war and there’s no way I will pay MORE than what I could pay at a department store for them, so I walk away and lose the jeans to someone called hotjeans4EVA!1!11! But, I’m nothing if not determined, so back I go for more losing fun on ebay. I find the jeans again, except this time they are in a 25 and significantly cheaper…hmmm, I think…for only $45 I can have a brand new pair of jeans that retail for almost $200. That’s the best deal ever! And really, sometimes I can wear a 25, right? So, I use the “buy it now” button, which is really only for people like me…people who can’t win an auction to save their lives. Really, it should just be called THE PUSSY BUTTON.

And now I wear the jeans every time I have the stomach flu and during that one week in my cycle that I’m super skinny and nonbloatated.

Whatever, that’s your favorite week of the month too. (Effing Mirena)(Now officially my new band name)

Which brings me to my point. There really is one here, I swear. It just takes me a little longer to get there on account of all the Mucinex I’ve been popping. Also, I’m pretty sure I ripped something inside of my nose yesterday, so, really it’s all good times right now. DY-NO-MITE!

I tried this dress on A YEAR AGO.

There really are no words to describe how much I loved that dress. But I thought…we are trying to save money! It’s too expensive! I work at home now….I would never have anywhere to wear it! I’m going to have to pass on the dress.

And I swear to you, since that day, I have probably thought about that dress a hundred thousand times. I swore to myself I would find it again and it would be mine. I scoured the internet but only came up with site after site of people wearing the dress, which, you know, only added fuel to the fire. And of course, the photos of Quinn wearing it were only mocking me. MOCKING ME.

I searched ebay every single day and finally found one in green, but it was a size 14. And kids, this is how badly I wanted this dress. I actually said to myself…”Self, you should buy the 14! You can learn to sew!” I CAN LEARN TO SEW. Just who in the hell did I think I was?

AND THEN, without any warning, just as I was about to give up on ever owning this Corey Lynn Calter, I found it. In my size. In my price-range. Brand-New with Tags! No sewing required!

And I hit the ever-loving crap out of that pussy button and won me my dress. I sure as heck wasn’t losing this little piece of heaven to some crappy-ass QUINNLOVEROMG or anthromepleez psycho ebay professional.