Once upon a time – not long after having three babies; not long before my thirtieth birthday – I went to the beach in St. Lucia with my two friends who are skinnier than I. I wore a bikini and felt only slightly self-conscious.

That was the last time I went to the beach; that was the last time I wore a bikini. When you live in Canada, you really hardly have the need for swimwear. And when the situation is desperate it’s possible to get away with wearing the hideous black speedo-esque one-piece I have owned since high school. It may be matronly, but it’s got ruching! RUCHING, folks, makes a paunchy jelly belly look almost flat!

But, you see, I am hitting Myrtle Beach in 56 days for one fun-filled week at the beach.

And I have already been told that there will be no one-pieces allowed.

So, for three fun-filled weeks I have been following the ALI DIET, which basically consists of not eating dessert of any kind. Everything else is fair game, mind you…nachos, cheetos, all that healthy stuff…but no dessert. No cake, no pie, no cookies (NO GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OMG) no ice cream, no cupcakes, no s’mores, no peanut m&ms, nothing. I have this problem with self-control…when it comes to desserts. Once I start, I can’t stop. If I pop one peanut m&m, there’s a good chance I will pop 100 in that same sitting. So I went cold turkey.

And I am one pound away from my goal weight. Take that, exercise! All you ever did for me was make my thighs huge and make me eat everything in the fridge.

(Now, just, for the record, this post is NOT a “please look at me and tell me that I’m not fat” plea. I know that I am thin. I wear a size 2. I am not looking to start a blogging holy war about weight, even though there’s a lack of drama in the blogworld right now. [insert maniacal laughter here]. Hey, I don’t care how much you weigh…100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds. If you feel comfortable walking around the beach in a bikini…GOOD ON YOU. This girl right here? Is jealous. I could weigh 87 pounds and I’d probably still not feel comfortable being half-naked in public. Maybe it’s a body issue thing. Maybe it’s a Jewish day school thing. But this is NOT why I am here today.)

I realize that Fridays around here have turned into a help-Ali-make-her-new-home-look-swell type deal…but today I am begging you to help Ali make her almost-goal-weight body look good in a (gasp!) bikini. Picture me in this…with much smaller boobies and a much squishier stomach.

And then find me a bikini to wear. If I pick the one you recommend, I may send you some cookies, since I’m not allowed to eat them right now.