April 30 10

Once upon a time – not long after having three babies; not long before my thirtieth birthday – I went to the beach in St. Lucia with my two friends who are skinnier than I. I wore a bikini and felt only slightly self-conscious.

That was the last time I went to the beach; that was the last time I wore a bikini. When you live in Canada, you really hardly have the need for swimwear. And when the situation is desperate it’s possible to get away with wearing the hideous black speedo-esque one-piece I have owned since high school. It may be matronly, but it’s got ruching! RUCHING, folks, makes a paunchy jelly belly look almost flat!

But, you see, I am hitting Myrtle Beach in 56 days for one fun-filled week at the beach.

And I have already been told that there will be no one-pieces allowed.

So, for three fun-filled weeks I have been following the ALI DIET, which basically consists of not eating dessert of any kind. Everything else is fair game, mind you…nachos, cheetos, all that healthy stuff…but no dessert. No cake, no pie, no cookies (NO GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OMG) no ice cream, no cupcakes, no s’mores, no peanut m&ms, nothing. I have this problem with self-control…when it comes to desserts. Once I start, I can’t stop. If I pop one peanut m&m, there’s a good chance I will pop 100 in that same sitting. So I went cold turkey.

And I am one pound away from my goal weight. Take that, exercise! All you ever did for me was make my thighs huge and make me eat everything in the fridge.

(Now, just, for the record, this post is NOT a “please look at me and tell me that I’m not fat” plea. I know that I am thin. I wear a size 2. I am not looking to start a blogging holy war about weight, even though there’s a lack of drama in the blogworld right now. [insert maniacal laughter here]. Hey, I don’t care how much you weigh…100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds. If you feel comfortable walking around the beach in a bikini…GOOD ON YOU. This girl right here? Is jealous. I could weigh 87 pounds and I’d probably still not feel comfortable being half-naked in public. Maybe it’s a body issue thing. Maybe it’s a Jewish day school thing. But this is NOT why I am here today.)

I realize that Fridays around here have turned into a help-Ali-make-her-new-home-look-swell type deal…but today I am begging you to help Ali make her almost-goal-weight body look good in a (gasp!) bikini. Picture me in this…with much smaller boobies and a much squishier stomach.

And then find me a bikini to wear. If I pick the one you recommend, I may send you some cookies, since I’m not allowed to eat them right now.

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  1. I am on the case!! And in NC right now, wooooo (not that it matters, of course, I’m just excited to be up when this post is newish)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Maribelle on April 30, 2010
  2. I feel you. I am thin too, but I recently gained some weight and none of my clothes fit right and all of the fat must have gone directly around my belly button. I am going to the Bahamas with some bikini-wearing gym rat types in a month so I have also cut out desserts. It is killing me!
    I have been searching for the right bikini and will let you know if I find the perfect one.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Laurin on April 30, 2010
  3. I’ve been informed that I have to wear a bikini in Vegas in three weeks, despite my big “exercising thighs”. Sigh.

    I have two from Lands End and I love them. I bought the bottoms that are a little higher and hold in the belleh. ;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on April 30, 2010
  4. I like these:

    http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Brows...../23464.jsp

    http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Brows...../10207.jsp
    .-= Julienne´s last blog ..Weekend update. =-.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Julienne on April 30, 2010
  5. That one is really cute! Yanno, even when I did weigh 100 pounds soaking wet, I never felt comfy in a bikini either. And even though I’m working towards a healthy body, I doubt I’ll ever wear one again much to the chagrin of my husband.
    I think VC has some sweet deals on right now and they seem to have clothes that perk up in all the right spots! ;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Karen on April 30, 2010
  6. So I guess the fact I’m bringing brownies over tonight for dessert is a bad thing?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Darcey on April 30, 2010
  7. Because I have no boobies to speak of, I love this: http://www.popinaswimwear.com/.....-c-52.html

    And because nobody should ever see the large-curd cottage cheese between my butt and thighs, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these bottoms: http://www.popinaswimwear.com/.....-c-19.html

    I’ll never look halfway as good as you did in your pic and as I’m sure you still do now (yeah, I’m complimenting you, deal with it), but at least with this bikini I don’t look like something you’d serve honeyed as the meat course for Easter dinner.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Pieces of a Sometime on April 30, 2010
  8. I’d say this modcloth.com 2 piece might be up your alley:

    http://www.modcloth.com/store/.....ece+in+Red

    Very Betty Draper-slash-Esther Williams, and it would look awesome with your ’50s glasses.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Meg on April 30, 2010
  9. If that’s you & your friends in St. Lucia on the first picture, I gotta say that all 3 of you are incredibly FINE! Rock On the ‘Kini!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Crazycoltrane on April 30, 2010
  10. I don’t come bearing pictures. I do wanna say if you are kind of lacking in the boobage dept to go with a smaller top (more toward the string bikini top rather than the bigger top like in your pic of the black suit), and same with the bottom. If your tummy is a little saggy I’d go with a fuller bottom.
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..If You Can’t Laugh At Your Friends, Who Will? =-.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Elisa on April 30, 2010
  11. You could always try Sue Sylvester’s diet drink! Kakak!!!!!! ;) Great pic of the three of you – you all look fab!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Haley-O (Cheaty) on April 30, 2010
  12. Well, shit. We totally should have gone bikini shopping yesterday. I need a good one, too.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Avitable on May 1, 2010
  13. I think Victoria’s Secret has good bikinis, because you can buy separates. (I think.)

    I had good luck at Macy’s a few years ago. They had a great selection.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on May 1, 2010
  14. we are based in Myrtle Beach! and do vacation rentals. I’m not a 2 piece bathing suit girl myself :). But check out our fan page at http://www.facebook.com/myrtlebeachfun

    [Reply]

    Comment by sara on May 1, 2010
  15. You can borrow my boobs…I don’t need them in 55 days.
    Anthro has the LONGEST LINKS EVER…but the Surfacing Bikini or the Metal Detector Bikini.
    I WIN.
    Send cookies.

    [Reply]

    Comment by moosh in indy. on May 2, 2010
  16. OK – this year is the “Year of the Bikini” for me. After 2 kids its the first time I’m attempting one, and we leave for Jamaica in (HOLY HELL!) 17 days. I bought two:
    This one from Victoria’s secret (gotta have the boobie liftage) in Milkshake pink with a, um, not so “stringy” bottom, and this one with matching black bottoms from Target. But Casey is probably right – she probably *does* win. ;-)
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..The house. (Or the post also known as "Oh God. I’m a country girl.") =-.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Colleen on May 3, 2010
  17. [...] once went on a no-dessert diet to lose some extra pounds for the beach and I quit that after a month because I had kinda sorta [...]

    Pingback by » Nothing Tastes as Good as Saying I Quit Feels. No, Wait, That’s Not Right… Cheaper Than Therapy on March 29, 2012
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