April 21 10

I love a good scary movie. Sure, when I watch one that actually does scare me, I spend many a night in the corner in the fetal position being all “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” and being unable to look at static on a tv but most scary movies are just not, well, actually scary. Most of them leaving me laughing at how formulaic they are, at how unwise it was to cast someone semifamous, at how no one ever waits to make sure the person is dead. WHY? Why does this happen? When someone is trying to kill you and you do something like knock the killer unconscious, why would you not then finish the deed. Why would you run away and allow the obviously NOTdead killer to rise again and grab your ankle or stab you or do something to add another dramatic fight scene to the NOTscary movie. I am super fun to watch horror movies with. I probably laugh more at horror movies than I do at most comedies, except for Zoolander, because Zoolander is a fucking funny movie.

Last night while I was working really hard to come up with a name for her baby, which, just so you know, is the most impossible task because there was a reason why all 287 names I suggested wouldn’t work, and then I had a moment of really wanting to get pregnant and have a baby just so I can name it Lila or Aubrey or Finn, but then reality sets in as a little girl was standing in my doorway.

Her: Mama, I’m angry.

Me: Why are you angry, Buddy?

Her: I’m angry at all the pollen. It makes me itchy, especially in my vagina.

Which leads to about two hours of her showing up at my door, whining about her arms being itchy, her legs being itchy, her stomach being itchy, but GOOD GOD MAMA STOP EVEN SUGGESTING A BATH BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ONE, and then walking her back to bed and telling her she needs to go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat about 14 times.

I am most certainly done having babies. But if you are pregnant and want me to name your baby, I will gladly offer up my services. I will also be happy to cuddle and snuggle your wee one but once they start whining about being itchy, I’m out.

Anyway, I knew it was going to be a loooooong night, so while searching the internet for bathing suits that won’t make me look heifer-like when I go to the beach in 66 days, I turned on the movie Orphan.

Have you guys heard of this movie? A couple adopts a nine-year-old girl from an orphanage and it turns out she’s not as lovely as they thought. Interesting idea; it’s always wise to go with kids in horror movies…they are slightly more creepy than adults in masks.
Forgive my spoilage here – I’m not big on spoiling movies, but I really doubt anyone is going to see this movie OR really care about THE BIG PLOT TWIST because it’s not even an M. Night Shyamalan film – but the nine-year-old girl is not actually nine, or even a child at all, but a 33-year-old woman who has some rare disorder that makes her proportionately tiny. Oh my god. Seriously. And not only that, but she’s a 33-year-old nympho horndog who wants to seduce all the daddies who adopt her and when that doesn’t work, she kills them and sets giant fires.

I could probably write a better horror movie about my water bottle problem.

Oh wait. They already did.

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  1. I wanted to watch Orphan JUST FOR the plot twist. I couldn’t even get far enough, though, it was so bad. Plus, after almost every line I couldn’t stop myself from saying “Because you’re a 30 year old Russian prostitute!”. Kinda ruined it, maybe.

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    Comment by C @ Kid Things on April 21, 2010
  2. haha, I hated that movie.

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    Comment by TammiMarie on April 21, 2010
  3. no kidding .. that’s hilariously crazy that movie .. thanks for the heads up, will not bother!

    I had a kid with the itchy bum syndrome and it nearly drove me nuts .. I get the cream/rinse/repeat kindof theme .. hope it is over soon!!!!

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    Comment by Sarah on April 21, 2010
  4. I immediately thought of that movie (which, I think is underrated, kinda) when I saw the water bottle image.

    (Also: you drink it with a straw? What? Creating all that waste wasn’t enough so you had to add more waste?)

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on April 21, 2010
  5. Dude. What’s the story behind the water bottles? (At least they’re not wine bottles ;) )

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    Comment by Angella on April 21, 2010
  6. OMG.
    I too have a night stand covered in water bottles. I also drink with a straw.
    Lemme guess…if you’re not sure a capped water bottle is yours, you shake it to se if there are any “floaters” in case a child has drank out of it already?
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..It’s too soon for fond memories =-.

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    Comment by Christine on April 21, 2010
  7. OH
    MY
    GOD

    YES. The floaters.
    That’s why there are so many of them. Once a child has had a sip, there’s no way I will drink from it.

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    Comment by ali on April 21, 2010
  8. Lol! I love funnily predictable horror! My problem is though, that AFTER the movie, I freak myself out, jumping at shadows and crap like that. I’m such a wuss!

    I’m not as bad as one of my friends, though, that slept with a glass of water by his bed after he saw Signs, “Just in case”. :)

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    Comment by Melme on April 21, 2010
  9. I hate horror movies. Mostly the ones that are like thrillers, like things that could happen, like Seven.

    When I was little, I HATED going to restaurants and sitting in the booth if I was wearing shorts. Because then the crumbs would stick to the backs of your legs. And I would whine and cry about the CRUMBS! THE CRUMBS!

    And yes, my family still brings this up. Is is any wonder why I am still single?

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    Comment by Kristabella on April 21, 2010
  10. I hate horror movies because I get scared so, so easily. But, really? The Orphan? Implausible as the plot twist may be I find it super-disturbing that the filmmakers concocted a potential scenario where the adoptive dad would do the dirty with someone who looked to be 9 years old, even if she was actually a nympho horndog 33 year old masquerading as a 9 year old. That is so, so effed up to me.

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    Comment by Jen on April 21, 2010
  11. I do not watch horror movies. Except Hubby & I went to see Zombieland. Excellent. And the kid had a good idea about making sure the zombie you just killed stayed dead. He was smart.
    Anyway, no horror movies for me.

    I shared a bottle of water with my son once, when he gave it back to me I took a swig of warm thick water that tasted like gummy bears and smarties. I almost threw up. No more sharing.

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    Comment by monstergirlee on April 21, 2010
  12. Dude thanks for the spoiler. No seriously. I really wanted to know what it was so I wouldn’t have to watch that stupid movie and NO ONE WOULD TELL ME. Why are people like that? “Just go watch it!” NO FUCKER! Just tell me!

    Anyways, thanks.

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    Comment by Miss on April 21, 2010
  13. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Now I want to stream ‘Orphan’ thisminute. The worse a movie is, the more curious I get… Like a trainwreck, you know. Except I seek it out instead of averting my eyes when passing it on the highway.

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    Comment by becca on April 21, 2010
  14. I’m ashamed to say I watched Orphan in the theaters.

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    Comment by Avitable on April 21, 2010
  15. People are totally demented. What kind of a movie is THAT?!

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    Comment by Jen Maier on April 21, 2010
  16. I have that SAME WATER BOTTLE PROBLEM. I keep telling my wife that I am just being prepared for the alien invasion, but she doesn’t understand.

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    Comment by Anne on April 21, 2010
  17. I cannot watch scary movies at all. Biggest baby on earth.

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    Comment by slynnro on April 21, 2010
  18. I can’t watch a scary movie. SUCH a wimp. But I kinda feel that now that I know the ending I might be okay.

    Only “horror” movie i could laugh and scream thru was Zombieland.

    Really, I get nightmares from just about everything else.

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    Comment by Dana on April 26, 2010
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