March 31 10

There is a ladybug problem at my mom’s house. It’s like we’re in Egypt…if ladybugs were frogs. Or something. (Please excuse my Passover brain. Those 8 cups of wine and two tons of matzo that are currently violating my liver and my belly were much more exciting on the way in). Anyhoo. They are everywhere. In the toilets. In the bedrooms. In the window sills. In the sinks. On the floor. And you know what I did just last week? I told my 4-year-old that ladybugs are actually beetles, but people think they are all awesome and shit because they have black spots, but really they are just spotted beetles and we really shouldn’t like them all that much. That was clearly not the smartest thing I have ever done. Jesus, you try to teach your child something and then it comes back to bite you in the ass because now she’s terrified of ladybugs and is currently living for the next week in a house filled with them and guess where she’s sleeping right now? WITH ME. IN A BLOODY TWIN BED. Well, most of me is sleeping in the twin bed. My ass, however, is draped over the side of the bed and now I’m all twisted and achy like an 85-year old woman and need a tremendous amount of Robaxicet to add to the tremendous amount of ex-lax I am going to need before this week is over.

So, for the last 48 hours we have been unplugged. No computer. No iPhones. No Blackberries. No DS. No cars. No TV (NO LOST OMG!) No coloring. In the last 48 hours I have learned many things.

1. Apparently my mom needs to watch the Star Wars movies again. I came downstairs and she turns to me and says, “Wow. You look just like Jabba the Hut!” Which, you know, a less thick-skinned person would have taken offense to. But, I am going to assume that because I was wearing my hoodie hood over my head that she was talking about someone a little bit less offensive.

2. I hate playing SPIT with Emily. Dear god I hate it. I would rather volunteer to take Josh to a public bathroom than sit and play endless amounts of spit with my children. She is both  a sore winner and a sore loser. So, really, all I’m left with is a sore back because she insists on playing on the floor.

3. $6.99 Passover Manischewitz cake mixes are fairly tasty; almost delicious, as far as Passover cake mixes are concerned. The coffee cake is especially non-passover-ish tasting. BUT, $6.99 Passover Manischewitz cake mixes leftover from last year? NOT DELICIOUS.

4. I should never buy wine. Or, really, I should never buy a $33 bottle of cab from a place called Kosher Meat Klub, because chances are good they have added about a $30 markup to the wine and it’ll taste like ass. Or as my husband says, what cheese would taste like if it had an asshole.

5. Because I overpacked us all WINTER clothing because weather.com told me that it was going to be in the 40s all week, today was HOT and we all boiled and sweated through our clothing so we weren’t even able to enjoy the lovely weather.

6. I really really really want to watch LOST.

7. Back-to-back Seders that keep children up until after midnight should be outlawed. I mean, really, next year I am adding a fifth question to The Four Questions and while Isabella is singing her jaunty tune for the world to hear where she asks why on this night we eat matzo and dip vegetables and eat bitter herbs, she will also ask WHY THE SEDER CAN’T START AT 5PM so on this night she doesn’t have to be completely miserable for an entire vacation because my child and tired? NOT A HAPPY COMBINATION.

8. Don’t ever try to put pink ballet slippers on Isabella’s Nurse Barbie without first checking to see if Nurse Barbie was actually a female (he wasn’t)(even though he was wearing red lipstick) because Nurse Barbie may lose his legs in the process and Isabella might cry.

9. Kosher for Passover diet coke tastes NOT A DAMN THING like regular diet coke.

10. Introducing HER to her very first seder was awesome.

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  1. Well, I loved every minute of this post, but I am Manischevitz hung-over.

    [Reply]

    Comment by kgirl on March 31, 2010
  2. SO MAD I AM NOT COMING TO CHICAGO THIS WEEKEND! SO MAD!

    [Reply]

    Comment by slynnro on March 31, 2010
  3. Soo funny, I too have a ladybug infestation in my house…not fun…and I feel you about late night Seders..my two year old stayed up till midnight…not fun :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Abby on March 31, 2010
  4. I grew up VERY orthodox and as an adult- I just can’t fathom being completely unplugged- of course still feel guilty as hell that I don’t unplug but just can’t. Give you lots of credit- especially when it comes to playng SPIT;)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Melissa Chapman on March 31, 2010
  5. Kosher for Passover Diet Coke?

    They actually make that?

    [Reply]

    Comment by SciFi Dad on April 1, 2010
  6. I heard that the Kosher Coke is better than regular Coke, though.

    Do you want me to just recap LOST for you? :D

    [Reply]

    Comment by Avitable on April 1, 2010
  7. What the heck is SPIT?

    I mean, besides saliva thrown at you.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Miss Britt on April 1, 2010
  8. I have the same questions: What is SPIT? There’s kosher Diet Coke?

    I hope you get caught up on LOST soon – I can’t imagine having to wait. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on April 1, 2010
  9. OKAY! To clear things up…the normal diet coke you buy in the store is always KOSHER, but because it contains corn syrup it’s NOT kosher for passover.

    so, each year, they come out with a line of pops that are made without corn syrup and those are considered to be kosher for passover.

    [Reply]

    Comment by ali on April 1, 2010
  10. Yes, why does she insist on sitting on the floor to play SPIT?

    Now I know why you want me to come up to Milwaukee! So someone else will play SPIT with Emily!

    The Seder was awesome! Next year I’ll take the day AFTER off so I don’t have to drive home at midnight!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on April 1, 2010
  11. I could never go that long without modern conveniences. You are a better woman than me.

    Good luck!

    Sadie at heyMamas

    [Reply]

    Comment by heyMamas on April 1, 2010
  12. Man, SPIT is fun for like 2 games, and then? UGH.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Amy --- Just A Titch on April 2, 2010
  13. This post is full of win! Except ladybugs are pretty cool. They eat aphids!

    [Reply]

    Comment by anne nahm on April 3, 2010
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