So, here’s the thing. Girls with my genetic makeup were not built for running. No. Short Jewish girls of Eastern European descent were not meant to run anywhere other than towards a bakery or a good shoe sale. It’s true. I do not belong on a treadmill or on the side of the road donning short shorts. Have you seen the length of my midget pulkes? Dudes, my little legs are getting me nowhere fast. And regardless of where I am going, I should never been seen in shorts of any kind. Shudder.

Because of this, I have stopped running. Because, I mean, seriously. No amount of running is ever going to give me Halle Berry arms or a Jessica Biel belly. An asthma attack and sore calves maybe, but that’s about it. So, that’s it. Done. Also, I’m pretty sure I might have quit running because it was plum becoming too trendy. Everyone is running these days. 5ks, 10ks, half marathons, marathons. Hell, even my kids are running at school. You aren’t somebody unless you are getting off the couch and getting a good running mix for your ipod and buying water bottle belts, OMG. (Obviously I was high when I bought that thing) It was like that time in 2007 and I was all, “You all, you need to listen to Fans by Kings of Leon,” and you were all “stop throwing your crappy music at me Ali” and then all of a sudden the whole world was all hopped up on Sex on Fire and they were like, “Ali, you need to listen to this great new band called Kings of Leon” and then I stopped listening to them because they were too popular. Running is kind of like that for me.

Only not really. Mostly I’m just jealous of runners who have actual legs and can walk into a store and buy jeans without having to spend an extra $20 to take them to a tailor who can lop off 6 inches and do a wicked original hem.

Well, either way, I’m starting a new trend.

BIKING.

(or, if we substitute an “a” for an “I”, Shauna Glenn is totally on board for the bAking trend.)

You heard it here first.

2010 is the year of the bike.

So, just as soon as I put down my fork and stop shoveling this, um, red velvet cheesecake into my gob, I’m going to run walk right out and get me a shiny and fancy new bike. Yes! I need a bike! Remember when I totally shredded my ankle and couldn’t continue my run and hopped on the stationary bike and had a gay old time and burned a crapload of calories and actually felt good after biking 15 miles and not how I felt after, like, 3 mile runs which was mostlydead?

I mean, they DO make bikes for midgets, right?

And maybe I’ll start a fashion trend while we are at it because I have this fancy fuel belt that needs to be put to good use.

If you want to see more of me – and, I mean, obviously, you do – you can read my latest entertainment news over at Juice, my latest outfit over at The Urban Closet, my latest advice over at So You Want It, and my latest blathering over at Aiming Low.