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*[ 8 February, 2010 ]

I Guess I’m…A Bad Nut? [ Aiming Low, the self mock ]

Squirrels in Canada Ontario Toronto are black. I realize this is not earth shattering news. But let me just tell you that when you are American and you are used to the garden variety gray ones (you know, the ones who are actually afraid of people), when you are fairly new to the great white north and you are casually taking a stroll down Bathurst street with your newborn and your giant stroller and one of those black suckers comes up and jumps right the heck into the basket of your Pliko, you can’t help but begin to wonder what on earth that Veruca Salt was thinking when she was all “Daddy, I want a squirrel,” because good god, gross. Also, you can’t help but scream like a little girl.

That Roald Dahl sure was a twisted fellow, wasn’t he?

So, yes, squirrels and I? We are like Conan and Jay Leno. Or, um, Rocky and Boris and Natasha. Irreconcilable differences.

But, well, there was an incident.

This morning I went to Kroger after carpool to stock up on exciting things like string cheese and key lime pie yogurt and hummus and diet coke. And, as a special treat to me and my stepmom, a grande nonfat latte with one shot of sugar-free vanilla syrup and a decaf grande nonfat one equal cappucino, respectively. Starbucks has become a bit of a treat for me because in an effort to bring our costs down this year, I agreed to make my own coffee every day. But thanks to some fancy donations gift cards, I am able to treat myself every now and then. (Read: when I am lazy)

So, while I was making sure that my precious cargo ($8 worth of coffee) didn’t end up all over the upholstery of my van, I didn’t see the squirrel.

The one that I hit.

Oh my god, you guys. I ran over a squirrel. And I kept driving. I didn’t know if there was some sort of rodent protocol, so I just went with my gut, and my gut said “hit and run” and now I kind of feel like crap and my latte isn’t even satisfying because I maybe, likely, probably killed a squirrel today.

Comments [33]

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Avitable said:

You should go back with a tiny wreath that you can put by the side of the road in memoriam.

There’s nothing you can really do other than take it to a vet if it was still alive, at which point they’d probably put it to sleep, or call the city if it was dead, at which point they would come dispose of it. I think you chose the best option.

Jen said:

You do know that in some parts of the country that would have earned you anywhere from 2-5 points right? I mean I’ve *heard* that “squirrel hunting” is a game in some places.

zeghsy said:

i’m pretty sure this one had a death-wish. maybe he lost his job at the nut factory and it’s been over a year since he’s had work and he just couldn’t face the missus and squirrelettes anymore. hopefully he kept up with his life insurance.

normally they run away from the cars before they get hit. you’re good.

Tutugirl said:

Those nasty little buggers keep sneaking into my parents house. Last time I was home, we caught on in a trap and I’ve never seen such a mean furry animal in my life. You were doing the world a favor running it over!

C @ Kid Things said:

When I was in 7th grade. My brother ran over a big dog while taking me to school. The most traumatizing day of my life. So, it could be worse.

pixielation said:

Just as long as it’s not stuck up in your wheel arch, because eventually it’s going to smell.

I hit a rabbit once. I was driving home on a stretch of dual carriageway road, and it leapt out suddenly – pretty much meeting the front of my car with its head.

I had to find the next gap to make a U-turn, then find an earlier gap and U-turn again to get back to where I hit it, and stop.

I picked it up off the road – it felt like every bone in its body was broken, because it was totally limp like jelly wrapped in a fur sock. There was a dribble of blood running from its now, and I was sobbing “I broke a bunny!” over and over again. I laid it to rest at the side of the road – where something bigger probably promptly feasted upon it the minute I’d driven away.

Believe me – it’s better to not go back!

pixielation said:

that was supposed to be nose, not now. Bum.

Darcey said:

Aw, honey! I have to agree that it can be pretty traumatizing, even if I generally choose to believe that the squirrels run out into the road to scare the crap out of drivers on purpose (like that Geico commercial from a couple years ago).

Melissa @MBonn said:

I cried for 3hrs straight when I was in my Uncles truck and he ran over a raccoon. But I like raccoons. Squirrels are fast, if he couldn’t get out of the way then you probably did the population a favor. I hit a bird once. But I figured if he was actually stupid enough to fly close enough to my car to get hit ( I was only doing 25) then he was just asking for it.

Also, beware of squirrels in big city parks like Boston common or battery park in NYC. They come after food. And they’ll eat babyfood puffs out of your hands

katie | motherbumper said:

The only protocol you forgot was to immediately go into reverse to make sure the job was done. Don’t get me wrong, I love squirrels but if they are anything like the ones up here, if he’s alive, expect a pending lawsuit. They are relentless!

Hockeymandad said:

Thanks for eliminating one more tree rat. They sure do look cute, but that’s about the only purpose they have.

I’ve done it too, not on purpose, and I felt bad as well. Don’t sweat it, there’ll be 1000 more by lunch time. Only worry if you start seeing groups of organized tree rats mobilizing around your house for a revenge attack. Then get yourself a good BB gun.

Kristabella said:

That would totally upset me. I don’t like to kill innocent things, even if they run into the road. But squirrels are usually good about getting out of the way, so maybe he was trying to commit suicide? And you were just helping?

Laura said:

I live about an hour outside Toronto. You name it, I’ve killed it with my car. I mostly don’t feel too badly about it but the deer and dog were pretty upsetting, especially since they did damage. The rest…meh. Wow, I sound pretty heartless here. I’m really not. I swear.

Nenette said:

The squirrels here in Manitoba are brown/grey. The black ones are strictly Ontario I think… maybe even BC. Not sure.

You know, sometimes it’s tough avoiding those little dudes. They’re fast and gutsy.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself… it’s not like you were aiming.

K-Tee said:

here in bc we have kinds of squirrels – red, black, brown, grey. they even come in rainbow on pride day.
K-Tee´s last blog ..and the lights started calling my name

Zoe said:

I have the exact same relationship with Starbucks. I feel bad (for you) about the squirrel but really your post has just made me crave expensive coffee… Good thing my husband just took off in the car.

Shannon said:

I lived in London, Ontario, an hour or so from Toronto and we had brown, grey and black squirrels! But I think they do tend to vary by region.

Heather said:

Squirrels do vary by regions! Living in Ottawa and Montreal, the squirrels were black. My squirrels on the prairies are grey. And they love to hide peanuts in my flowers. And scare me.

I’m sorry you hit one. You didn’t mean to. You’re a good person I once hit a cat. I felt awful. I mean, I killed someone’s pet. I hit and ran because I was freaked! Then I called the SPCA and reported the incident.

Burgh Baby said:

DUDE. Those black squirrels are mean mofos. We had them all over campus at Kent State and I swear those little jerks will take out a human that gets in their way. You might have done the world a favor.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) said:

I once ran over a robin that refused to move while backing out of my driveway. It was years ago and I’m not kidding when I tell you that it still haunts me. A robin!! Spring’s bright symbol! Sigh…

Tali said:

My mom was taking me to the subway a few years ago and we saw a car run over a small dog. Though neither of us are particularly dog-loving people (don’t tell my dog), we called 911 because we figured that was the right thing to do. And 911 said “uh, okay, thanks. bye.”
I can’t even imagine what they would have said if you called about a squirrel.

Karen Sugarpants said:

You could have gone back and made squirrel earrings for Craftastrophe. For shame.

Angella said:

I hit a pheasant last year, only to look in the rearview mirror and see a cloud of feathers.

I gunned it.
Angella´s last blog ..Two Worlds Colliding

Amanda said:

I’m with Avitable, there needs to be a laying of the wreath for the poor little squirrel.
Key Lime Pie yogurt….YUM! And thanks, I was trying to forget and avoid a trip south of the border…for yogurt. Why can’t they have it here in Canada/Ontario/(north of)Toronto?

Barrie Summy said:

Was in Ann Arbor, Michigan this past fall. Met up with the most aggressive squirrel in the world. Seriously.

Barrie Summy said:

Was in Ann Arbor, Michigan this past fall. Met up with the most aggressive squirrel in the world. Seriously. Maybe he’d emigrated from Canada?!

Tickled Pink Twice said:

I almost hit squirrels in my neighborhood constantly (in the spring through fall). It seems like the neighborhood is over-run by them, thanks to the millions of old oak trees in our area. I’m going to be bad and admit that I wouldn’t be sad if I took on out. Probably more sad that I didn’t take out more than one. I’m pretty much over them burying and digging up my garden looking for their nuts. These must be relatives of those Canadian squirrels.

slynnro said:

Hit and run IS the squirrel protocol.

rayli said:

i hate squirrels. there was one trying to break into my house. literally. every night it would claw away at the wood window. next to my bed!!!! and it would wake me up and freak me out. the wood was old and i was scared that he would get in, so i put rat poison on the window sill and never saw the little sucker again. and i did not feel bad. not even a little.

heather... said:

YOU ARE A SQUIRREL MURDERER!!!!

Dave said:

Squirrels are rats with poofy tails. Don’t feel bad about driving away from the scene.

muskrat said:

i’m sure he had it coming. rat bastard.

kgirl said:

We get THE mangiest squirrels hanging around our house. You know running them over is practically a sport in TO.

And my 4yo still tells the story of the squirrel that jumped into her wagon and stole her muffin two years ago.
kgirl´s last blog ..Supermodels and Homebirths and Liars, Oh My

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