December 10 09

OnNotice.php

1. Isabella, 4, for the crime of stealing two entire books of stamps and decorating her disney printables with first-class forever stamps. Who knew she’d be drawn to those stinkin’ bells. Liberty, my ass. Well, it’s a good thing I was able to devote the 18 minutes it took to carefully peel them of the paper. Hopefully it’s enough postage to mail her buns to Switzerland. or someplace far, far away.

2. Neiman Marcus for the crime of having horrific customer service. Long story short, my mother sent my daughters veryexpensive coats from NM in Arizona. The girls deemed them “not beautiful” so I took them back to Neimans at Lenox in Atlanta, hoping to exchange them for something they would actually like and something that I’d never buy for them, like that pair of True Religions that Emily has been eyeing. (are you high? I would never buy a child a pair of $150 jeans for her teeny heiney to outgrow in 8 days). Anyhoo…that point is moot because the bee-otch behind the counter told me that she couldn’t give me store credit. or a gift card. and the only way she could help me was to put the money back on my mom’s credit card. Even though these coats were a gift. and even though the website’s return policy clearly states that she was a fucking liar. So, I am just upset I’m not wearing my blond blunt wig and my hooker clothing so I can pull a “Big mistake. Big. Huge!” and (bawk, bawk, bawk) returned the coats and went home unhappy. AND WROTE A VERY DISPLEASED LETTER about how I would never buy gifts at Neiman Marcus because they are shitty. and I got an email back saying that someone from the Atlanta store would get back to me…only no one ever did. and now my kids are freezing because they don’t even have “not beautiful” coats to wear.

3. Almost every single TV show I love for the crime of having winter finales. Seriously, where did this come from? Is this a new concept? WINTER FINALE? When “scenes from the next” are saying that new shows are coming in February or SPRING I want to cry and yes I am looking at you Glee because you cannot freakin’ have Mr. Schue suck on Emma Pillsbury’s bush baby face (oh my god. I am not spoiling here, people. It’s Friday. There is really no excuse for not watching yet unless you were in labor or something but then there’s no reason why you should be reading this site. so there!) and not gimmemoreohmigod. Also, I really want to look at Clay on One Tree Hill some more.

4. The rubber-esque Michelin Man flash drive/bracelet that I got at blogher this year for the crime of being swallowed by my puppy. Clearly, Indiana isn’t the brightest since after the whole tampon-eating-almost-dying-$5000-surgery-having incident, he didn’t learn to stop eating things that can’t make it through his digestive system. Really, he should stick to crayons which not only make it all the way through, but provide colorful entertainment when I have to stand outside and scoop. But, I am worried about him. His vet told us that his poor half of a colon won’t make it through another surgery…and either will our wallets. So, please, think some poopy thoughts for my dumb dog.

5. Movies like Frost/Nixon for the crime of, um, getting me hot in the middle of the afternoon. Apollo 13. To Kill a Mockingbird. Gone With the Wind. Platoon. All the President’s Men. An American friggin’ Tale. And it’s not just the movies either. I did my high school term paper on JFK assassination theories. hot. MAD MEN. hot. the fashion. the old architecture (seriously, I scare the tourists when I visit New York with my obsession with the old buildings. Tip: It’s probably best not to take me to Little Italy). the inventions. pictures like this.

6. Those mall kiosk workers for the crime of being total douches. I mean, I get it, you work on commission and you are masters of the hard sell and clearly I have the word “sucker” plastered to my forehead but get it through your skulls, people……I do not want my hair curled or to try dead sea cream or to sell my gold for cash. I want to pretend I am on the phone and not make eye contact and fantasize about punching you in your junk.

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  1. That Neiman Marcus thing is UNBELIEVABLE. For all of the “extra” you pay at that store for customer service… you’d THINK they wouldn’t hire a moron to send you out of the store empty handed. Idiots.

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    Comment by ClassyFabSarah on December 11, 2009
  2. I am also really surprised about the whole NM debacle; especially if the salesperson was giving you information that clearly contradicted its stated policy on the website. Did you ask to speak with her manager? I worked retail for years in undergrad and this is a good way of getting your problems taken care of. I now never take no for an answer when dealing with retailers…I am interested to hear how it all pans out. I say keep persevering with them. Luxury stores such as NM are not doing well given the current economic climate and no business with any sense wants to make its customers unhappy now.

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    Comment by Jen on December 11, 2009
  3. Bwahahahhahaaaaa. Emma Pillsbury’s bush baby face.

    I love you.

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    Comment by AMomTwoBoys on December 11, 2009
  4. I think the winter finale thing was born from people bitching about shows going into and out of re-runs when not in sweeps. Now, they run new eps straight through, then a clearly labeled finale, then restart in the Feb sweeps.

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on December 11, 2009
  5. Hehe, you complain about “Needless Markup?” Shame on you for not knowing any better! ;)

    Winter Finale is named so you KNOW that you need to adjust your DVR to back off for a few weeks cause next week its all Christmas shows.

    How come there’s no Shrek the Menorah, or Charlie Brown latkes? I bet at least one of those characters was Jewish. Always wondered why, and I miss the dreidel games we played in school. Even if we didn’t celebrate the holiday at home, I still liked participating in some capacity.

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    Comment by Hockeymandad on December 11, 2009
  6. Winter finales can suck it! I do not watch American Idol. I do not need to head on down to Boca to get my brown on. Just give me my Glee! So I’m heading to Target after I send this comment (glory be to Target) and pick up the second soundtrack and I’m going to bust some “Don’t Rain On My Parade” for the next five months. Sigh…

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    Comment by fadkog on December 11, 2009
  7. Mall kiosk people – I’d like to pummel the ones who want to buff your nails with the same nail buffer the used on the last ten people who walked by before me. I gag as I watch this crime happen.

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    Comment by april h on December 11, 2009
  8. The winter finales aren’t new. The name is new. There was always a break in TV shows in early December through the holidays. And then they come back in Feb because Feb is sweeps month.

    As for Glee, apparently Fox didn’t know it would do so well and since American Idol is their cash cow from Jan-May, they didn’t make enough episodes. So since it is a big hit, they are making more, but they just started filming, hence why it won’t be on until April.

    NO ONE from Neimans got back to you yet? I would reply to that dude’s email.

    Also, mail Bella here! I have no stamps!

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    Comment by Kristabella on December 11, 2009
  9. Yeah, Kristabella said was I was going to (after working as a media planner, you get to know TV schedules’ ebbs and flows very well)… but I feel ya, that is WAY TOO MUCH TIME until another Glee episode. I’m just going to have to watch them all on Hulu again.

    And also, maybe we should go find the Neiman’s idiot chick and present her with a printed out copy of the website returns policy. And a copy of the email you got.

    I’m feeling spiteful today.

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    Comment by Darcey on December 11, 2009
  10. I work in the mall and every day the same people try to rub crap on my hands and put powder make-up on me and sell me cable. I hate them.

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    Comment by Karen on December 11, 2009
  11. I’m so sad about Glee. I miss it already…

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    Comment by Angella on December 11, 2009
  12. Love your photo editing skills!

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    Comment by Tamara on December 11, 2009
  13. I completely adore this post.

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    Comment by mamatulip on December 11, 2009
  14. isabella is very clever! and creative! sorry about the coats and those salespeople for being such douches.and yes crayons make for colourful poop! and yes those damn kiosk people i got suckered into trying dead sea eye serum by a guy who was channeling his inner adam sandler zohan character and my eyes were burning

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    Comment by LAVENDULA on December 11, 2009
  15. Love, love, love this post!
    I am one of those people who got suckered into the Dead Sea crap.
    Glee, oh Glee…how in the world are we supposed to wait until April?! What are we going to talk about around the water cooler?

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    Comment by Amanda on December 13, 2009
  16. I’m glad I didn’t read this until today or I would have declared a fatwa on you for spoiling Glee!!!

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    Comment by Avitable on December 14, 2009
  17. I think the winter finales might not be new – BUT they’ve made them much more “cliffhanger” in the last decade!

    poor poor stamp collection! It will be funny in about 10 years.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..I’m a legal alien, like a prawn. =-.

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    Comment by pixielation on December 14, 2009
  18. Posted on ten years from now, we will look back on this post like the diancng baby on Ally McBeal.

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    Comment by Timur on February 9, 2012
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