August 4 09

Let me just preface and say that the idea of taking all three of my children to any mall, at any time of the day makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. Twice. And so I won’t tell you where taking all three of my children to the mall after not having enough coffee and after seeing one of the very worst movies to ever be made in the history of movies (I’m looking at you, Aliens in the Attic! 24% on Rotten Tomatoes! Holla!) makes me want to shoot myself. because it’s not pretty. but, alas, when you need underwear, you need underwear. Desperate times, friends.

Things were going swimmingly and I was all cocky. I can do this. I’m the best mother in the world!!!  Look at me! My kids are happy! No fighting! We could shop all day! That is, of course, until we got to Victoria’s Secret…..

Isabella: Josh, remember that movie, Shorts, the one that we saw the commercial for, and it was so funny because the boy turns that lady into a penis.

Josh: You are so dumb, Bella. He turned her into a wiener, which is a penis…but in this movie he turned her into a hot dog.

Isabella: No. It was a penis.

Josh: No. It was a hot dog.

Isabella: PENIS!

Josh: HOT DOG!

Isabella: PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!

Josh: hahah. you said penis!

Very annoyed looking VS employee: Kids, you are going to have to keep your voices down in here.

Me, beyond mortified: I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry. Oh My God, I am sooooo sorry.

Josh: Penis.

Isabella: Penis.

Josh: Penis.

Isabella: PENIS!

I hang my head in shame and scramble to find the underpants  in my size while Josh and Isabella…um, DISAPPEAR. So I race through the store (and, of course, this particular store had to be jumbo-sized) all flustered-like, with my v-strings hanging off of me looking for my missing hooligans. and there they were….CHASING EACH OTHER BEHIND THE CHECKOUT COUNTER.

The same VS employee: Ma’am, we are going to have to ask you to take your, um, children out of the store. They are disturbing other customers. and hey, Ma’am, did you know that we have an online store?

And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Victoria’s Secret.

And that is the story of how I learned what the secret is: Kids are crazy; GO COMMANDO**

hooligans

**at least until school starts.

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  1. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. There are no words.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on August 4, 2009
  2. Hilarious! I am laughing at this (with you) because that would so be my life IF I ever ventured to VS or the mall with my kids. You are a brave, brave woman! And aren’t you pro-commando too? So it’s a win, right?

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    Comment by Sarah on August 4, 2009
  3. How did the VS employee not LAUGH, instead of being annoyed? Because I’m not sure how someone couldn’t find that hilarious!

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    Comment by Kristabella on August 4, 2009
  4. I love it! Thank goodness my 2 are still in strollers, but I will remember this for when they get older!

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    Comment by Abby Berg on August 4, 2009
  5. There are only two reasons women sign up to work at VS: the discounts on underwear (hells yeah, I say) and to be snooty to customers with kids. We once got scolded in VS because my kids were petting the pink polka-dotted puppy. *I* on the other hand would have cracked up at hearing two kids arguing back and forth about weiners and such!
    .-= loren´s last blog ..All I needed was Mentos and it would’ve been like living a commercial =-.

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    Comment by loren on August 4, 2009
  6. If they would have been yelling “vagina” no one would have cared. That’s body parts discrimination if you ask me.

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    Comment by Britt on August 4, 2009
  7. Seriously, kids yelling the words hot dog and penis are comedy gold. Clearly, the VS clerk was wearing her own strings a wee bit too tight!
    .-= fadkog´s last blog ..…and then i wondered if my coworker thinks i’m as old as his mom =-.

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    Comment by fadkog on August 4, 2009
  8. I bet the employees watched the surveillance tape after work, just for kicks ;)

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    Comment by Angella on August 4, 2009
  9. You poor thing! I mean, if you can’t yell “penis” in a VS store, where can you? Fredrick’s of Hollywood?

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    Comment by Darcey on August 4, 2009
  10. Your kids are hilarious – and I think she could have handled that a little better. You should have screamed “Penis” at the top of your lungs before you left!
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..Conversations with Manbug a/k/a Signs That I’m Getting More Dumber =-.

    [Reply]

    Comment by TUWABVB on August 4, 2009
  11. Well that’s ridiculous. If penis is the worst thing that’s been shouted in that store…

    Also, how are you supposed to buy underwear on the internet? That just seems odd.

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    Comment by C @ Kid Things on August 4, 2009
  12. PENIS!!

    (Oh c’mon, you know a little part of you wanted to join in!)

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    Comment by Maria on August 4, 2009
  13. Hahaha. I don’t think I knew the word “penis” until high school, and I still cannot say it aloud without major giggling fits. Power to your kids.

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    Comment by Kaleigha on August 4, 2009
  14. That is such a funny story.

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    Comment by Jenn on August 4, 2009
  15. I was going to join in and shout “Penis” but Maria beat me to it.

    Fuckin’ Maria.

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    Comment by Avitable on August 4, 2009
  16. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!

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    Comment by Heather on August 4, 2009
  17. Thank you, THANK YOU for saving me from myself. I was seriously contemplating taking all four of my little darlings to the mall (similar underwear crisis, only for bras). Four under-8′s. What the hell was I thinking?

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    Comment by Mrs F with 4 on August 4, 2009
  18. Oh sweet baby Jesus in the manger. I have felt your pain, my friend. Felt it sting me like a rabid man-o-war. My daughter now thinks it’s cute to act like a perfect angel. She does this, however, hiding in side the racks of clothes and still doesn’t come out even when I am nearly crying in VS thinking that some pedophile lingering in the panty section has abducted her. I know, my mind goes to dark places…

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    Comment by Vanessa on August 4, 2009
  19. Further proof that Mormons have it all figured out. We can only order our underpants online.

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    Comment by moosh in indy. on August 4, 2009
  20. This time, I gotta side with the poor VS associate. I’ve worked retail a long time, and after 7 hours of an 8 hour shift nothing makes you want to throw yourself into traffic like obnoxious kids, especially if they’re disturbing other customers.

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    Comment by MonsteRawr on August 4, 2009
  21. sorry but hahahahaha!!!!

    Take heart… one day, before you know it actually, they will all be grown and you will get your life back. I promise!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Joanie M on August 4, 2009
  22. This is why we should have made time to go in Chicago. :)

    You should come up and shop by me, b/c the VS employees here are, I’m pretty sure, drunk most of the time.

    [Reply]

    Comment by metalia on August 4, 2009
  23. You wear underwear?!? You are not the Ali that I thought I knew.

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    Comment by regan on August 5, 2009
  24. OMG. This is hysterical.

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    Comment by mamatulip on August 5, 2009
  25. That is totally hilarious! I am sooo glad that wasn’t me! hahahahaha

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    Comment by rayli on August 5, 2009
  26. That is funny, those kids are pretty lucky too. Once you hit a certain age you could get arrested for something like that. Remember that Penis is a dirty word in the South. ugh.

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    Comment by Hockeyman on August 5, 2009
  27. hahahahahaha!!!!um what was i going to say? oh yeah hahahahaha

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    Comment by LAVENDULA on August 5, 2009
  28. bwahahahahahaha!

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    Comment by Katie on August 5, 2009
  29. I haven’t even read this post yet but I had to comment and say

    DUDE!

    WITH ALL THE CAPITALIZATION!

    Are you sick?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Miss Britt on August 5, 2009
  30. Isn’t wearing V-Strings pretty much the same as going commando??

    [Reply]

    Comment by Miss Britt on August 5, 2009
  31. Ali–I’m in Toronto for a conference and need your help with places to eat!!! Any breakfast and dinner recs would be super appreciated!! I’m near the university of toronto and down by the convention center, etc. No car, but happy to take cab/subway within reason. I LOVE breakfast foods and then any dinner places–Italian, Asian, whatever. HELP!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by monkeygirl on August 5, 2009
  32. They were playing the PENIS! game and they didn’t even know it!

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    Comment by La Petite Chic on August 6, 2009
  33. How did you ever get away with NOT shopping with them until now????

    [Reply]

    Comment by monkeemama on August 7, 2009
  34. [...] when you get kicked out of Victoria’s Secret because your kids are playing the penis [...]

    Pingback by Cheaper Than Therapy » Blog Archive » bump. bump. bump. on August 17, 2009
  35. Wow! I am glad I am not the only mom with “hooligans”!! Do you know, that I actually have a “you are NOT going to act like hooligans” speech with my kids almost every time we go anywhere in public! Guess what…bribes work!

    BTW…I have enjoyed reading your blog!

    Michele

    [Reply]

    Comment by Michele on August 24, 2009
  36. [...] means that I can do necessary things that I have been putting off because well, you remember how my last visit to Victoria’s Secret ended, yes? But, buying new brassieres was an absolute necessity but when I walked into the store and was [...]

    Pingback by Cheaper Than Therapy » Blog Archive » homecoming: not good for the ass. or the boobies. BUT! I have a DVR! on August 31, 2009
  37. very funny i was laughing out loud here! thanks for the post! hope you will share more stories like this. adorable kids!

    [Reply]

    Comment by brand on August 13, 2011
  38. Life is always unfair although sometimes it is not…Thanks for the inspiration in this post…

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    Comment by Helen Chris on August 14, 2011
  39. LOL! The only thing i can say is Hilarious! Great post. This one perks you up, after the sun forgot to shine here in our place this morning. Your kids are cute and innocently funny.

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    Comment by yayemax on August 16, 2011
  40. hahahah epic!!! too funny! ^___^ they are sooo adorable!

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    Comment by angela.patton on August 25, 2011
  41. LMAO!!! their innocence are too cute! i was laughing so hard and pointed it out with my friends and they all blurted out laughing! best one yet! great share!

    [Reply]

    Comment by samanthabais on August 25, 2011
  42. I won’t tell you where taking all three of my children to the mall after not having enough coffee and after seeing one of the very worst movies to ever be made in the history of movies (I’m looking at you, Aliens in the Attic! 24% on Rotten Tomatoes!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Paula on September 1, 2011
  43. Children gain knowledge without malice. That’s what makes them beautiful treasures that we should take care while they’re still young.

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    Comment by Mango on September 6, 2011
  44. You can always talk to children the things that are taboo to adults. Coz they take it as what you tell them what it is. A penis is a penis. Nothing more. haha

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    Comment by George on September 6, 2011
  45. Oh great, that’s a pretty cool topic.

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    Comment by Rossie on September 7, 2011
  46. Life is always unfair although sometimes it is not..Thanks for the inspiration in this post…

    [Reply]

    Comment by tikling on September 7, 2011
  47. Children gain knowledge without malice. That’s what makes them beautiful treasures that we should take care while they’re still young.

    [Reply]

    Comment by converse6 on September 8, 2011
  48. hahaha!! your children are witty and very funny! hahaha!! reminds me of my 3 year old nephew who loves to read about biology and asks so many biological issues! hahaha!! keep nurturing them!

    [Reply]

    Comment by gayegirl on September 11, 2011
  49. Hilarious! This reminds me of my brother. Thanks for the nice post.

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    Comment by Ricky on September 16, 2011
  50. LOL.. Very funny and amusing you have… You’ll never be bored!

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    Comment by Kimberly on September 20, 2011
  51. Kids are kids.. They just love to play around and tease each other.. I miss my old days..

    [Reply]

    Comment by Nayumigrante on September 21, 2011
  52. I’m near the university of Toronto and down by the convention center, etc. No car, but happy to take cab/subway within reason. I LOVE breakfast foods and then any dinner places–Italian.. | :P

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    Comment by dog on September 21, 2011
  53. Laugh out loud :) such a funny post, I always looking forward for this post…

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dasion@salvador on October 1, 2011
  54. Life is always unfair although sometimes it is not..Thanks for the inspiration in this post… | :P

    [Reply]

    Comment by bumblebee56 on October 1, 2011
  55. That’s a brilliant idea, thanks for sharing this blog.

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    Comment by mystica03 on October 3, 2011
  56. I LOVE breakfast foods and then any dinner places. Thanks for sharing this blog.

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    Comment by mystica03 on October 4, 2011
  57. LOL you really should be embarrassed what this kids are up to. I have been there too when my two boys where still small. Kids are not crazy, they are just being true to themselves.Great post, it was funny.

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    Comment by ronnieplacis on October 10, 2011
  58. That’s what makes them beautiful treasures that we should take care while they’re still young. | :P

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    Comment by conan0506 on October 15, 2011
  59. LOL, hahahha love this funny factor : … Thanks for sharing…

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    Comment by Vivera on October 16, 2011
  60. Good and very informative post. I will come back to your blog regularly. One thing: I do not exactly know what do you mean in the second paragraph. Could you please explain your opinion?

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    Comment by Partho Deb on October 16, 2011
  61. Lolz, this article is so funny.

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    Comment by crown5 on October 20, 2011
  62. hahahaha!!! oh my gosh! those kids are hilarious…but kids are just being kids :)

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    Comment by Betty on October 25, 2011
  63. Laughing factor :) .. I really enjoy this post!

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    Comment by Granade on October 26, 2011
  64. I just can’t stop laughing about those two wacky kids. They are just being true to their self. I just can’t imagine your face when everybody is listening to their arguments.

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    Comment by rubyrub on October 27, 2011
  65. I really to find more on this subject I have subscribe to check. Also, splendid article. I want to read more of the columns on this wonderful website. more power and good luck

    [Reply]

    Comment by Romesh Deb on October 29, 2011
  66. I am nearly crying in VS thinking that some pedophile lingering in the panty section has abducted her. I know, my mind goes to dark places…

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    Comment by mynard on October 31, 2011
  67. Laugh out loud :) such a funny post, I always looking forward for this post…

    [Reply]

    Comment by hunterX0506 on November 3, 2011
  68. This one perks you up, after the sun forgot to shine here in our place this morning.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Martina01 on November 9, 2011
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