Let me just preface and say that the idea of taking all three of my children to any mall, at any time of the day makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. Twice. And so I won’t tell you where taking all three of my children to the mall after not having enough coffee and after seeing one of the very worst movies to ever be made in the history of movies (I’m looking at you, Aliens in the Attic! 24% on Rotten Tomatoes! Holla!) makes me want to shoot myself. because it’s not pretty. but, alas, when you need underwear, you need underwear. Desperate times, friends.
Things were going swimmingly and I was all cocky. I can do this. I’m the best mother in the world!!! Look at me! My kids are happy! No fighting! We could shop all day! That is, of course, until we got to Victoria’s Secret…..
Isabella: Josh, remember that movie, Shorts, the one that we saw the commercial for, and it was so funny because the boy turns that lady into a penis.
Josh: You are so dumb, Bella. He turned her into a wiener, which is a penis…but in this movie he turned her into a hot dog.
Isabella: No. It was a penis.
Josh: No. It was a hot dog.
Josh: HOT DOG!
Isabella: PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!
Josh: hahah. you said penis!
Very annoyed looking VS employee: Kids, you are going to have to keep your voices down in here.
Me, beyond mortified: I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry. Oh My God, I am sooooo sorry.
I hang my head in shame and scramble to find the underpants in my size while Josh and Isabella…um, DISAPPEAR. So I race through the store (and, of course, this particular store had to be jumbo-sized) all flustered-like, with my v-strings hanging off of me looking for my missing hooligans. and there they were….CHASING EACH OTHER BEHIND THE CHECKOUT COUNTER.
The same VS employee: Ma’am, we are going to have to ask you to take your, um, children out of the store. They are disturbing other customers. and hey, Ma’am, did you know that we have an online store?
And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Victoria’s Secret.
And that is the story of how I learned what the secret is: Kids are crazy; GO COMMANDO**
**at least until school starts.