September 29 08

i’m looking for a good pair of spanx. sadly, though. i’ve tried ‘em. i’ve tried the power panties and i even attempted the midthigh body shaper which is a glorified body stocking that you CLIP onto your bra. but, because i’m a midget, they NEVER fit right and never sucked in a damn thing. all they did was add extra material. and these strange loops? i never could figure out what to do with those loops. what do you have to say about that, Oprah?

but i’m almost embarrassed to tell you what i’ve eaten since Friday (and the two day Rosh Hashanah eating fest doesn’t even start until tonight. god help me) about 46 iced bakery cookies, a good half a lemon meringue pie, about 3 dozen wings, chinese food – twice.

“i see you over there, Ali.”

“what did you say, Mom?”

“i see you standing over there at the cookie jar!”

and that was the straw. the one that broke the emotional eater’s ass.

yes, yes, this isn’t new. Ali = emotional eater. and when Mom-of-Ali descends, it’s all food, all the time. it’s how i cope with her passive aggression. it’s how i cope when she puts me down. it’s how i cope when she behaves like a two-year-old. it’s how i cope with her complete disregard of my parenting style and rules. it’s how i cope when she spends days with me and leaves tens of empty coffee mugs wherever she damn well pleases.

the husband wasn’t home all weekend, so i was just me, the kids, and my parents. on saturday morning, by 6:30, all three monsters were climbing all over my head, itching to get downstairs for breakfast. my mom mosied on up at 9:30 and complained for 40 minutes about how she didn’t sleep a wink that night. by 1:00, she’d had enough. announced that she was “VERY SICK” and needed to sleep. and then took a two hour nap.

when i made a comment about how my brother is very much the baby of our family and i said that i was envious that he’s been living in New York City for over a year since he finished college finding himself because that never would have flown for me. she never would have allowed it. (Michael, i’m not begrudging you. i’m jealous of you. there’s a difference. milk it for all it’s worth, i say!) then she proceeded to announce, in front of our friends, “THAT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF IT WOULD NEVER FLY? WE WERE ALL PREPARED TO SEND YOU TO AN IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY BUT INSTEAD YOU GOT MARRIED WHEN YOU WERE JUST A BABY AND THEN CAME HERE TO THIS INSTITUTE OF HIGHER LEARNING, THIS THINKTANK, YORK UNIVERSITY!!” that’s when she hit below the belt. not cool, mom. (i have a fucking master’s degree)

when i tried to tell her all the things that are happening for me. i have something in the works, folks. something with McDonalds. i don’t think i can tell you about it yet, but it’s going to be BIG. i tried to tell her about the interview i’m going to be doing with Abby Cadabby (that may even be a TV interview). i tried to tell her about the film festival, and how my interview with my boyfriend Christopher Bolton has led to all sorts of things…she didn’t care at all. which was to say that my mother, the wait-to-talker, just waited until i was done talking and went on to tell me about the man who committed suicide in her nursing home. (nice)

would it fucking kill her to be proud of me? ONCE? would it fucking kill her to help me? ONCE? would it fucking kill her to pick her after herself….COFFEE CUPS???? ONCE?

you’re starting to see it now, eh? why i’m eating so much? and why i need the damn SPANX? or possibly just a new wardrobe in the next size up…because i certainly deserve some retail therapy right about now…

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  1. Oh, Ali. We have so much in common it is frightening. I’ll leave it at that.

    BTW. My baby brother is Michael in Chicago. Living it up.

    OHmommys last blog post..Who am I kidding? I really AM a mommy blog.

    Comment by OHmommy on September 29, 2008
  2. I can totally see why you husband was away for the weekend – he totally has to make it up (or, is this you making it up to him for him staying with your parents for a week with the kids lol).At any rate, Happy New Year!

    Comment by Sarah on September 29, 2008
  3. I agree with Sarah, he’s so getting you back for him going to Atlanta while you were living it up. LOL!!!

    But your mother probably hasn’t let you forget that either.

    Srsly, she kinda sounds like my mom. Complaining that she never gets to see the kids, but when she does, she’s got better this to do?

    Hugs!

    sam {temptingmama}s last blog post..All Aboard the Crazy Train! We’re Talking about Postpartum

    Comment by sam {temptingmama} on September 29, 2008
  4. Oh Ali. I feel the same way sometimes. Hang in there!

    Kylas last blog post..I’ll stop talking about this at some point.

    Comment by Kyla on September 29, 2008
  5. Oh, sweetie. I’d say I would trade you Moms, but I would not wish mine on you.

    I totally need to hear more about the cool stuff going on for you. YAY YOU!!!

    *I* am proud of you. xo

    Angellas last blog post..Super Trouper*

    Comment by Angella on September 29, 2008
  6. You didn’t realize this, because we didn’t grow up in the same house, but you and I are clearly sisters. Sometimes, even when I’m home alone, I feel my mom glaring at me when I’m in the midst of opening every cabinet because some habits have kicked back in.

    And my brother? It’s my sister, and apparently she’s a saint. I sometimes wonder if my mom talks to my sister about me the same way she talks to me about her and how amazing she is.

    Yeah…

    differentkindofgirls last blog post..hey, cherry. do you belong to the physics club?

    Comment by differentkindofgirl on September 29, 2008
  7. OMG, that is nuts. I mean really. I only know you from your blog and I am proud of you for all the stuff you are doing. Sheesh. I can’t wait to hear about this exciting new stuff!

    Chantals last blog post..Thank You

    Comment by Chantal on September 29, 2008
  8. I am so sorry!! I can’t wait to hear about all you have in the works!! Keep you chin up!

    Comment by KD @ A Bit Squirrell on September 29, 2008
  9. what are spanx?…wow your mom is something else huh? no wonder you are eating so much…happy new years….

    Comment by LAVENDULA on September 29, 2008
  10. OMG – we have the same mother. This weekend when I was telling my mom about the funeral I went to last week (of an 18 month old baby) all she could say is that she went to a funeral last week too…seriously????

    Teris last blog post..T’s Guide to Freakin’ Out People

    Comment by Teri on September 29, 2008
  11. Does it count if *we* are proud of you?

    Miss Britts last blog post..Debating: Road Trips and Medical Ethics

    Comment by Miss Britt on September 29, 2008
  12. Want to adopt my mom? Sure you would have to come to Edmonton to visit, but she is the least judgemental most supportive wonderful freaking woman ever. And she shops like a 19 year old (thank god for WEM). Obsessed with it. And the best Grandma ever too.

    We are proud of you, even if you attention deficit passive-agressive mother seems not to be.

    My MIL is like this with her boys as well, my husband the successful one gets pushed to the side for the attention grabbing younger one who is a bit of a hoser.

    Sleepynitas last blog post..Just Like Seinfeld: A Post About Nothing

    Comment by Sleepynita on September 29, 2008
  13. sounds like shopping is definitely in order. maybe for some lounge pants, just in case.

    jennies last blog post..I suffer from SSD

    Comment by jennie on September 29, 2008
  14. That sucks! My mother has the same effect on me–in between schools, once, I lived with her for a summer. I gained 30 pounds! Oh and by the way, Spanx doesn’t work for me, either.

    annas last blog post..Happy Birthday, Honey

    Comment by anna on September 29, 2008
  15. Wow. Bad!! I can definitely relate, but my mom is sooo much worse.
    Enjoy the holiday and diet when she goes home.
    :)

    bellas last blog post..a give-away !!! take a peek

    Comment by bella on September 29, 2008
  16. I finished off a box of Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies last night, and my mom isn’t in town.

    FWIW, I’M proud of you, girl.

    Comment by mamatulip on September 29, 2008
  17. L’Shanah Tovah sister…because after that posts I’m pretty sure we ARE sisters. Going to polish off some cookies now in preparation for the holiday, my mother, grandmother and MIL – oh my.

    Jens last blog post..Thursday Thoughts

    Comment by Jen on September 29, 2008
  18. My dad does this…but it’s with people who aren’t even his children. He’s always telling me how great so-and-so is doing in school, or what a great job she’s doing with her kids, or what a great job she landed…YOU he would be impressed with.

    You’re one of the most impressive chicas out there miss Ali. Have another cookie and get yourself a new outfit.

    AJs last blog post..Top 10 things to know about children and vomit

    Comment by AJ on September 29, 2008
  19. That stinks.
    I’m an emotional eater too. A bag of Oreos has no chance when I’m upset.
    About the spanx – my friend has a full body suit that has a pee hole because it is too complicated to get in and out of to pee.

    LDs last blog post..Time

    Comment by LD on September 29, 2008
  20. Grab your purse, let’s go shopping. I’ll buy you a pumpkin spice latte and we can drown our woes in whip cream & credit card miles.

    Undomestic Divas last blog post..Tough titty said the kitty

    Comment by Undomestic Diva on September 29, 2008
  21. Oh, I’m so sorry! Family relationships suck.

    Rubys last blog post..Firing myself.

    Comment by Ruby on September 29, 2008
  22. Ali, that completely sucks. Your mom and my dad and step-mom, triplets. I feel so bad for you. Can you send them home?

    Drink. That’s what I do when mine are in town, which thankfully isn’t often. Not any better the stress eating, most likely. But it may make you not care what they say.

    Sometimes I want to record mine and play it back for them. To see how awful they sound. but I know it’s do no good what so ever.

    Issas last blog post..You don’t screw with a new mom

    Comment by Issa on September 29, 2008
  23. I can sooo relate! Right now I’m just using my pregnancy to cover up my emotional eating! Who’s gonna tell a pregnant lady she’s eating too much!

    Hatties last blog post..I’m Taking Over the Dog!

    Comment by Hattie on September 29, 2008
  24. Yeah, Spanx do nothing for me either.

    And your mom and my mom? They’d be besties for sure.

    Comment by slynnro on September 29, 2008
  25. You have a Masters from York? Good for you Ali! In my opinion, York has prestige. And you have 3 kids? And we are the same age? You are a super star!

    Heathers last blog post..Do blonds have more fun?

    Comment by Heather on September 29, 2008
  26. Big hug! And, do they make mens spanx? I’m eating like I stay home all day. Which I do.

    Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Daddy, What Happened To Your Blog?

    Comment by Captain Dumbass on September 29, 2008
  27. Oh Ali- if you only knew the issues I have with my own mother- she is the sole reason I am in therapy- worried sick that I will fuck up my kids like she did me.

    That’s why I find it strange that I’m a mother- mother is such a strong word. That’s why you have learnt from her mistakes and are an a amazing mother- accepting your kids for whoever they are and not comparing them to anyone else.

    Mayas last blog post..Babies & Malls- Don’t try this at home.

    Comment by Maya on September 29, 2008
  28. *BIG HUGS*

    Comment by Chasinash on September 29, 2008
  29. Sweets. I’m sorry that she acts like that. As a parent, I dont understand the mentality. I’m very proud of you and I think you are supa fly. *hug*

    Misss last blog post..Stalled

    Comment by Miss on September 29, 2008
  30. I’m wearing spanx over a set of spanx to try to double the effect and completely hide the stress-pounds around my waist that I’ve put on this summer.

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Grocery Aisle Karma (GAK)

    Comment by Backpacking Dad on September 29, 2008
  31. This is the exact reason that Smirnoff Ice Ultra was invented. All of the emotional suppression, a fraction of the calories.

    Zoeyjanes last blog post..On the Gray Area

    Comment by Zoeyjane on September 29, 2008
  32. Ugh. I am so sorry. I say screw it. Eat the cookies!!

    But, don’t be using the name Mom-of-Ali in vain!

    Signed,

    Momo Fali
    (You get it, right?)

    Momo Falis last blog post..Let There Be Light, Eh?

    Comment by Momo Fali on September 29, 2008
  33. Oh, I know all about the emotional eating.

    And, that hole in the crotch of the spanx (which never fit me either because of the height challenge thing, too) — do they really expect you to pee out of that thing???

    Hang in there with your mom!

    And, you know, even if she’s not acting proud of you — WE all are! Go girl!

    Haley-Os last blog post..The Things I Can Tell Them

    Comment by Haley-O on September 29, 2008
  34. Like everyone else here (it would seem), we went through a similar experience. I wanted to go off to big-campus-university, but my dad convinced me to go to the local community college. When classes were about ready to start, my mom said “We would have sent you to a big college if that’s what you had really wanted!” Like SHE was the exasperated one.

    Your mom has a lot to be proud of in her daughter, but I doubt she had much to do with your success – that’s all you!!!

    lorens last blog post..Gov Palin does Couric, the original

    Comment by loren on September 29, 2008
  35. I’m sorry – that stinks.

    I’m an emotional eater too – I just ate 2 bags of sour gummy worms. They didn’t even taste good – I just needed them, ya know?

    And if you find the perfect spanx… let me know!

    Sarahs last blog post..Internet, I am Spewing a BIG Secret To YOU / Shh! Don’t Tell

    Comment by Sarah on September 29, 2008
  36. Spanx only helps to smooth the rolls and cellulite out for me. It doesn’t take inches off or make me look like a supermodel. I have generic “shapewear” that I got at Macy’s that is way better than the Spanx brand I have.

    It doesn’t work miracles by any stretch. Sadly.

    Kristabellas last blog post..I Suck At Wheel Of Fortune

    Comment by Kristabella on September 29, 2008
  37. My feeling as an outsider is that, for some reason, she resents you. Maybe she is jealous that you are and continue to be who you want to be regardless of her passive aggressive judgment. You rock, Ali and maybe she never got to. If anything, you should feel sorry for her. Look at all of the great things you have going on!

    Jen Maiers last blog post..New Furniture Photos – Your Input Please!

    Comment by Jen Maier on September 29, 2008
  38. I’m proud of you! For what it’s worth =) I think you’re the coolest damn Canuck/Peach/Cheesehead I ever did(n’t?) meet!

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Our Weekend in Pictures

    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on September 29, 2008
  39. I’m so sorry for you having to deal with that stuff. I can certainly relate. Best wishes.

    J from Irelands last blog post..Cheeks you could eat.

    Comment by J from Ireland on September 29, 2008
  40. Do we have the same mother? I think we might.

    Twenty minutes after I had surgery on my beloved uterus, my mother complained to my nurse that she was coming down with a cold. BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, MOM!

    Rhis last blog post..Why dual climate control is the BEST INVENTION EVER

    Comment by Rhi on September 29, 2008
  41. Wait-to-talkers are near the top of my HATE list.

    Dude. You deserved at least double the amount of cookies you consumed.

    The Over-Thinkers last blog post..My 6 Addictions (dammit, Hillary)

    Comment by The Over-Thinker on September 29, 2008
  42. fuck. that sucks.
    Isn’t it interesting that you know that she’s messed up in the head, and that Yes, you do SO much to be proud of, as a Wife, a working Mother, and as a Woman. You know in your heart of hearts that you Kick Ass. And yet there’s that little girl inside asking Mommy – Look at me Mommy – look at me. It breaks my heart. I’m sorry your mom is so toxic. Maybe next time rent them a Hotel room?

    btw – you really do KICK ASS. When I grow up I want to be just like Ali. wait, I’m already 42, too late. Nelson points at me and say “Ha Ha”.

    monstergirlees last blog post..Leaf Me Alone (part 2)

    Comment by monstergirlee on September 29, 2008
  43. Your mom sounds freaking toxic.
    I think next time she wants to come for a visit, you should say something like, “That’s great mom! I know this really cool hotel I think you would like!”

    But I’m evil like that:)

    Psychobabbles last blog post..Potentially Bad News

    Comment by Psychobabble on September 30, 2008
  44. Is that Gwyneth Paltrow and Jessica Alba in that cartoon? Give me a break. Like they really need spanx. Gwyneth is so waiflike you can practically see through her. Gwyneth is such a waiflike name…I wonder if by naming our children waify names, they will be waify!

    Dis last blog post..Who are you?

    Comment by Di on September 30, 2008
  45. I have the same problem with spanx…the EXACT SAME PROBLEM. There is so much fabric that I could spanx down my boobs.

    The mom thing, on the other hand…well, you should talk to Mike.

    heather…s last blog post..New Tricks

    Comment by heather... on September 30, 2008
  46. Oy. Moms. The thing is that if you have a crazy or critical parent, you have to know they will be that way forever. They will never change and suddenly be proud of you or not crazy. And that is hard.

    Mikes last blog post..Pub Crawl

    Comment by Mike on September 30, 2008
  47. Your mom and my mother in law must be distant cousins. My husband’s sisters can do now wrong. It doesn’t matter how horrible they are, his sisters are perfect. Us on the other hand, oh hell. We could kiss the ground she walks on for a month and she wouldn’t care. Hubby and I both got huge promotions in the same month and all she could talk about was her horse. I feel your pain.

    Collettes last blog post..Do you prefere you Elmo medium or Well done?

    Comment by Collette on September 30, 2008
  48. Oh, that sucks. If it helps any, I’m insanely jealousy of all of your awesome accomplishments.

    Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..There’s an insane cross-eyed monster in my uterus. And my husband’s Mii is gay.

    Comment by Heather, Queen of Shake Shake on September 30, 2008
  49. I just looked at your Flickr pics and you look great…you’re channeling your Mother.

    poseys last blog post..We Have Termites

    Comment by posey on September 30, 2008
  50. I think our mothers are sisters.

    if that were true, then we’d be… uh.. I’ve never been good at math. ANYWAY…

    All that to say – so sorry, and, yeah… it sucks. What she had for dinner 3 years ago is more impressive than anything I could ever accomplish.

    You keep accomplishing great things despite it. You impress the socks offa me :)

    jennyonthespots last blog post..Looking for input… who’s got an opinion?

    Comment by jennyonthespot on October 1, 2008
  51. Aww, hon, you are fabulous despite the fact that your mom can’t see to recognize that.

    Katies last blog post..The Root Canal From Hell

    Comment by Katie on October 1, 2008
  52. Wow, I totally feel for you, Ali. You don’t deserve that.

    She Likes Purples last blog post..Turbulent Out There, Too Calm In Here

    Comment by She Likes Purple on October 1, 2008
  53. I wish my Mom and I had the relationship that my mom and sister have.
    My sister can do no wrong,
    whereas she makes me feel like I am walking on glass whenever she is around.

    Comment by Keri on October 1, 2008
  54. Why are Moms like that?

    Comment by Keri on October 1, 2008
  55. [...] « got pie? [...]

    Pingback by Cheaper Than Therapy » Blog Archive » silver linings. as always. and i’m awesome. as always. heh. on October 2, 2008
  56. I come bearing doughnuts and a credit card.

    moosh in indy.s last blog post..Nobody likes me everybody hates me. HA!

    Comment by moosh in indy. on October 8, 2008
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