September 10 08

a man standing, donning brown large wale corduroy pants put his ass thisclose to my face while i was sitting on the subway last night. and may have farted.

true story.

i offered up my seat to a visibly pregnant woman by saying, “do you want to sit?”

and she answered, “oh! i’m not pregnant!” and then i died.

true story.

i spotted a trying-to-be-unseen Scott Speedman racing past me. but not before i grabbed my camera and took a shot. mmm…scruffy Scott Speedman…

true story.

i may have replaced my beloved Victoria’s Secret v-string. i kid you not. on the rare occasion that i DO wear underpants, under jeans, i always wear the trusty v-string. cute, comfy, perfect. and then Miss Oprah Winfrey had to go and endorse something. something that my stepmom snatched up and threw into my Chrismukah stocking.

a black hanky panky low-rise thong.

heaven

thanks, Oprah. i haven’t loved Oprah this much since she introduced my to SPANX.

(i may or may not have taken a photo of myself wearing them. and my ass? way nicer than hers. just saying)

true story.

i submitted one of my pictures from TIFF to a big name photo agency and got a call last night about it! awesome! maybe i’m cut out to be a paparazzo. although can you see my hiding out under stairs to get photos of Britney’s nethers??!?!

maybe i’ll submit some of the ones i took last night at the gala premiere to Pride and Glory

maybe this one:

or this one:

or any of the other ones over here….hmmm….

Colin Farrell and Jon Voight were no-shows last night. but Edward Norton. good god, Edward Norton. words cannot express to you how much i love Ed Norton. Hell, i even loved him in Death to Smoochy.

AND there was a lovely little Fight Club-esque scene in the movie involving Ed Norton and Colin Farrell. and while some of the women in the theater were all “oh my god! the violence!” i was sitting there all...rawr.

true story.

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  1. Which photo did you submit? Is it online somewhere? Will you tell us if it gets used?

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Our First Ballet Class

    [Reply]

    Comment by SciFi Dad on September 10, 2008
  2. Spanx. My nirvana.

    You should have ass punched the sucker that farted in your face.

    [Reply]

    Comment by krissy on September 10, 2008
  3. Same questions as SciFi Dad…when do we see the pic?? :)

    I almost puked in my mouth just reading about the guy farting in your face.

    [Reply]

    Comment by AJ on September 10, 2008
  4. In my mind, I would have totally pulled a Fight Club on farts-in-the-face dude. OMG!

    Then? Then I would have been all “eeny, meeny, miney, mo, pick a Speedman or Norton by the toe…” Again, sadly, that would have been all in my mind.

    differentkindofgirls last blog post..coming clean about my dirty mind

    [Reply]

    Comment by differentkindofgirl on September 10, 2008
  5. I totally and completely second your opinion on the Hanky Panky thongs – way better than the V-string.

    Sarahs last blog post..Until All The Nos Become Meaningless….

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sarah on September 10, 2008
  6. We need a photo of the face farter so we can avoid him at all costs. Jackass.

    Burgh Babys last blog post..Big Head, Big Heart

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    Comment by Burgh Baby on September 10, 2008
  7. I had a friend name Ali who always saw ALL of these famous, gorgeous people and she looks hot in a g-string. And then I died from the boredom that is my life.

    True Story.

    Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..All I Heard Was "Off With Her Head!" and The Next Thing I Know, I’m Rolling in the Grass

    [Reply]

    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on September 10, 2008
  8. I am all over Hanky Panky underwear. WAY better then V/S. Sorry – should have informed you earlier.

    I was wondering what my future husband was up to last night…… bad Edward, should been at home with me! ;)

    Sleepynitas last blog post..Because I can’t call her “Her” forever.

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    Comment by Sleepynita on September 10, 2008
  9. oh my god ed norton. How did you stop yourself from jumping on top of him. Seriously hawt.

    Karas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Cooper

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kara on September 10, 2008
  10. Wait, you don’t wear underwear? Really? Have I been missing out on a lot of fun all of these years? I just can’t imagine it.

    Loving Dangers last blog post..I Immediately Regret My Decision

    [Reply]

    Comment by Loving Danger on September 10, 2008
  11. Wait, you don’t wear underwear? Really? Have I been missing out on a lot of fun all of these years? I just can’t imagine it.

    Loving Dangers last blog post..I Immediately Regret My Decision

    [Reply]

    Comment by Loving Danger on September 10, 2008
  12. I have to say… as I am sure you know that’s Scott Speedman… he looks a ltitle chunky in the picture. Maybe it’s the angle?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mari on September 10, 2008
  13. farting in public is not cool. in someone’s face? double uncool. wearing cords in the Summer? triple uncool.

    gorillabunss last blog post..gloss and gleam

    [Reply]

    Comment by gorillabuns on September 10, 2008
  14. While I was waiting at the bus stop this morning, my neighbour’s dog pissed on my leg.

    True story.

    [Reply]

    Comment by mamatulip on September 10, 2008
  15. my 4 year old would tell you to fart back at the poopy farty bum! ed norton is great

    [Reply]

    Comment by LAVENDULA on September 10, 2008
  16. My kid is missing the 6th day of school for the year. There have only been 10 days of school so far.

    True story.

    Wanna switch?

    Kylas last blog post..Sounds

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    Comment by Kyla on September 10, 2008
  17. Sometimes I want your life!

    TrenchesofMommyhoods last blog post..Win a $50 Gift Certificate From Tiny Prints!

    [Reply]

    Comment by TrenchesofMommyhood on September 10, 2008
  18. Um. You saw Scott Speedman. I am the most jealous reader EVER.

    True Story.

    [Reply]

    Comment by the a.r.w. on September 10, 2008
  19. I discovered Hanky Pankys three years ago and forever have been changed.

    You should match it up with a pretty Hanky Panky cami. Seriously… heaven.

    OHmommys last blog post..The Country Club for New Moms

    [Reply]

    Comment by OHmommy on September 10, 2008
  20. LOOOVE Eddie Norton. (and Death to Smoochie was hilarious!!)

    Beccas last blog post..Butting Heads

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    Comment by Becca on September 10, 2008
  21. Scruffy Scott Speedman, Colin Farrell and Edward Norton.

    You have officially made my day.

    Angellas last blog post..Babies Are Overrated

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    Comment by Angella on September 10, 2008
  22. I’m just disapointed that you didnt put up that picture of your ass.

    Misss last blog post..Holy Blogger Weekend Batman – Pt. 2

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    Comment by Miss on September 10, 2008
  23. Hmm…

    Guy farts in your face… means positive karma coming your way

    Asking a non-pregnant woman if she is pregnant… means negative karma coming your way.

    So, um, I think you are basically even. Which, you know, sucks because a guy did blow a fart in your face.

    Mikes last blog post..Baby Tripper

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    Comment by Mike on September 10, 2008
  24. I would have died over the non-pregnant woman. I bet you couldn’t wait to get out of there.

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    Comment by Debbie on September 10, 2008
  25. No, not Death to Smoochy!
    No way.

    Denguys last blog post..School Days

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    Comment by Denguy on September 10, 2008
  26. I may be the only one who reads our blog that has seen death to smoochy.

    Oh- and I was that “pregnant” woman in feb. Someone offered me the seat on the subway and I told them I wasnt pregnant (in my defense I had twins 3 months prior). Of course then I beat myself up for not going along and taking the seat.

    Mayas last blog post..Weird Products from Across the Web: Volume 1

    [Reply]

    Comment by Maya on September 10, 2008
  27. her ass or your ass are both better than the thought of Oprahs’ ass in the panties…thanks for the visual.

    [Reply]

    Comment by swirl girl on September 10, 2008
  28. ooh, I am intrigued by the thong. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Also, Scott Speedman…ROWR.

    metalias last blog post..And the Award for "Most Copious Use of the Word ‘Barf’ in One Blog Post" Goes To…

    [Reply]

    Comment by metalia on September 10, 2008
  29. Rawr to you too. Sorry about the time you are nice to someone and they refuse..she could have just said thanks, eh?

    Edward Norton…LOVE.

    Oh and I totally copied you on my post today…sorry, it means I love you though right?

    goodncrazys last blog post..Will Blog for Milkshakes?

    [Reply]

    Comment by goodncrazy on September 10, 2008
  30. Just wanted to let you know that I LOVE reading your blog everday. You make me laugh.

    true story.

    TinkerDot Designss last blog post..Dave wants to be a mountain man, and I want to get married again.

    [Reply]

    Comment by TinkerDot Designs on September 10, 2008
  31. I can’t believe you were that close to Ed. Those photos and today being Colin Firth’s birthday have made my day complete.

    Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..My Little Tiger

    [Reply]

    Comment by Aimee Greeblemonkey on September 10, 2008
  32. *Sigh*
    *SIGH*

    Marias last blog post..May I Ask You a Question?

    [Reply]

    Comment by Maria on September 10, 2008
  33. I am so jealous of you seeing scott speedman! I have loved him since his days on Felicity! Sigh.

    Lissas last blog post..Classic Melissa

    [Reply]

    Comment by Lissa on September 10, 2008
  34. I think I love scruffy men. Edward Norton Jr. was so hawt in American History X. Also, sorry to hear about the stranger farting at you. Farts of non-aquaintences are always the worst.

    jenboglasss last blog post..Because Sometimes You Just Need A Warning

    [Reply]

    Comment by jenboglass on September 10, 2008
  35. Another reason we’re alike: I go commando all the time, too! Though if I must wear panties (under pants, of course, though you know I usually rock the dresses), I cannot under any circumstances sport a thong. I just don’t get the supposed “comfort” of butt floss!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on September 10, 2008
  36. I don’t think actors come much better than Edward Norton.

    She Likes Purples last blog post..Now I Need A Bowl of Ice Cream

    [Reply]

    Comment by She Likes Purple on September 10, 2008
  37. Best freakin’ true stories ever (and you got to love getting fart kisses on the TTC). I’m pretending I didn’t read that bit about Death to Smoochy… which I saw in the theatre (hangs head in shame).

    motherbumpers last blog post..on the road: last stop of the tour

    [Reply]

    Comment by motherbumper on September 10, 2008
  38. I think you need to post that ass thong photo for your old buddy Spectro.

    slynnros last blog post..Blushes and Foundation Primers, OH MY!

    [Reply]

    Comment by slynnro on September 10, 2008
  39. My sister and I were behind you in line yesterday, admiring your outstanding camera work and fawning over your Nokia. We’re still recovering from the intensity of Pride and Glory. Next to me was a very distinguished lady in a cocktail dress who spent the entire film gasping dramatically. But I think the standing ovation was well deserved.

    Other than that great barfight scene, did you like the movie?

    Your blog is hilarious,by the way, and a total pleasure to read.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Anna on September 10, 2008
  40. I’ve offered my seat to a visibly pregnant woman before only to have her say the same thing. I think she was lying to me just to fuck with me. I should have tripped her.

    Seriously though, Edward Norton? Like wow. I would yell like a school girl. If Colin Farrell was there, that’d be it!

    Chantals last blog post..Bullety, Edition 37; We Are Awesome

    [Reply]

    Comment by Chantal on September 10, 2008
  41. I totally have those panties, too!

    Love.

    Sadies last blog post..Mosaic

    [Reply]

    Comment by Sadie on September 10, 2008
  42. See, when I married Ed Norton, our vows said, “Until Death to Smoochy.”

    Obviously we’re no longer together.

    The Over-Thinkers last blog post..Minus the Trenchcoat: "Psst! Hey Lady…Cheap, Prescription Glasses!!"

    [Reply]

    Comment by The Over-Thinker on September 10, 2008
  43. Got my first pair of Hanky Pankys right before my wedding (someone bought them for me). LOVE em, except that they’re a little pricey for me to buy a zillion pairs like I want to.
    Also, I’ve offered my subway seat to pregnant looking women who are not actually pregnant and THEY TAKE IT!
    Being fat does not make someone entitled to my seat.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Tali on September 10, 2008
  44. Oh I LOVE Hanky Panky’s! They are the best!

    Sensibly Sassys last blog post..Pencil It In

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    Comment by Sensibly Sassy on September 10, 2008
  45. Great photos!

    Teena in Torontos last blog post..Boxing Babes go Cuban

    [Reply]

    Comment by Teena in Toronto on September 11, 2008
  46. I pink puffy heart Edward Norton. He’s just so yummy!

    Was Emily leeched on to you for the thong photo?

    Kristabellas last blog post..Unemployed: Day 4

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on September 11, 2008
  47. Excellent true stories Ali!

    Chriss last blog post..911, Year 7

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    Comment by Chris on September 11, 2008
  48. Oh, if only I were comfortable in a thong? I just don’t know how you do it!

    Multi-Tasking Mommys last blog post..Pregnancy Post Week 36

    [Reply]

    Comment by Multi-Tasking Mommy on September 12, 2008
  49. ewwwwwwwwwww DIRTY! And…the not-pregnant-girl…the nerve of her not humouring you!!!!

    Dawns last blog post..Whoa. And. I. Mean. It.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dawn on September 13, 2008
  50. ewwwwwwwwwww DIRTY! The brown cords somehow make the visual (and other senses) more impactful! And…the not-pregnant-girl…the nerve of her not humouring you!!!!

    Dawns last blog post..Whoa. And. I. Mean. It.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dawn on September 13, 2008
  51. OOPS. I don’t know what happened there! Sorry!

    Dawns last blog post..Whoa. And. I. Mean. It.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dawn on September 13, 2008
  52. Ed Norton is so hot I even watched him in a movie co-starring Jenna Elfman.

    I KNOW. Jenna ELFMAN!

    mrs. chickens last blog post..Anywhere But Here

    [Reply]

    Comment by mrs. chicken on September 14, 2008
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  55. [...] What I miss not miss about it: people who fart on you on the subway and mistakenly offering UNpregnant women your seats. [...]

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