August 13 08

by definition, i’m a soccer mom. middle class. three kids. minivan. carpool, at a private school. after-school activities. basketball. dance. swimming. i pop an occasional xanax. i have a house in the suburbs. a park across the street. a nanny.

the one thing about me that doesn’t scream soccer mom is, well, THE SOCCER.

i hate it. i’m not cut out to be a literal soccer mom.

sure, i love his little (read: gigantic) uniform.

(please note: old picture. that PACI is gone with the wind)

and i love seeing his growth from trotting around aimlessly on the field to actually going after the ball and getting down and dirty. (i now have to stop paying him to touch the ball. now i pay him for goals)

but when i go to games…i spend way more time planted in my maple leaf chair from Canadian Tire…i spend more time taking pictures with miss emily…

and i spend more time huddling in the corner trying not to FREEZE my ass off…

and i spend more time watching Isabella do laps around her daddy…

…than i do, actually, erm, paying attention to the game.

i can’t stand at the sidelines and YELL YELL YELL until i lose my voice. i can’t use profanities (like some of the moms do) to get my son to be more aggressive. i can’t complain to the 13-year-old ref when i think she made a bad call. i can’t compete with these moms. they are ruthless. i’m so much more of the buy the equipment and throw your kid on to the field and leave him in the hands of the coaches who know more than i do and celebrate when he does something good kind of mom

and this fall, i’m going to be attempting to do something much, much more ruthless.

i’m going to be an ICE HOCKEY MOM.

now, i know some moms are going to tell me that age five is already late to start playing hockey…and Josh has been taking skating for the last 3 years…but i think it was ME who wasn’t ready…

i’m scared of the other hockey moms. if i can’t be a soccer mom, how on earth am i going to be a hockey mom?!?!?!? i mean, of course, after i’ve gone broke from buying all the starter hockey equipment…

  1. NO WAY. You drive a mini van? Seriously?

    slynnros last blog post..TRES ROMANTIQUE


    Comment by slynnro on August 13, 2008
  2. I too would be petrified of the hockey moms. Especially Canadian hockey moms. They’re mega serious here in PA. You should take a flask with you to practice.

    Nics last blog post..Tales of my ass


    Comment by Nic on August 13, 2008
  3. I’ve just turned into a tennis mom. There’s no yelling profanities…it’s competitive pretentious-ness.


    Comment by Cristan on August 13, 2008
  4. You will totally rock the hockey mom. I am so anti-soccer that my deprived children aren’t even playing because I am too selfish to sit there all afternoon in 100 degree temps. I am more of a karate mom, golf mom…

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..And then he sold his birthright for some soup…


    Comment by texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana on August 13, 2008
  5. Just make sure you teach him to “sweet the lick” with his hockey stick… it’s the great equalizer in house league hockey.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..End Of An Era


    Comment by SciFi Dad on August 13, 2008
  6. I’m kind of glad that my son isn’t into sports. He played basketball and floor hockey one year and he SUCKED SO BAD and I was SO NERVOUS that I nearly THREW UP the entire time. He’s just not an athletic kid. So, I guess I’m a chess club mom. And somehow, that sounds a lot worse than a soccer mom. ;)

    Karlys last blog post..Putting My Evil To Good Use


    Comment by Karly on August 13, 2008
  7. Let’s you and I start a revolution and reclaim the image of soccer mom.

    Because moms cussing at their children at sporting events? Not classy. I mean, that’s even below me and I talk about farts and skid marks.

    We’re the new soccer moms – hot and sexy in our minivan but with better manners.

    Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Where Champagne Replaces My Morning Coffee


    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on August 13, 2008
  8. I like that you won’t yell and scream. I think that you have the right attitude. Do you also pay him for passing the ball?

    Good luck as a Hockey Mom! Buy a long coat!

    Heathers last blog post..Eeek!


    Comment by Heather on August 13, 2008
  9. Hockey Mom? Holy hell, you’re going big time! A friend of mine is a hockey mom and oh, the horror stories!

    And good luck with that not freezing thing in the rink! LOL.

    pgoodnesss last blog post..meh


    Comment by pgoodness on August 13, 2008
  10. If anyone can pull off being a hockey mom, I think it is you, Ali! Just dress warmly :)

    Katies last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up (and Roll-Ups!)


    Comment by Katie on August 13, 2008
  11. Good luck with that! I don’t envy you. I hope there are no 6:30am on Sunday games…they DO that to 5 year olds I hear…ugh. Thankfully, my 5 1/2 year old doesn’t skate yet. Abominable for a Canadian I know…but we just can’t deal with it all!

    KathyMs last blog post..New shoes for CW


    Comment by KathyM on August 13, 2008
  12. well Ali at least you can buy Tim Hortons coffee for those early A.M. hockey practices. they are early at the crack of dawn right?


    Comment by LAVENDULA on August 13, 2008
  13. I am a soccer mom, and a hip hop mom, and a ballet mom, and a pta mom…
    and I am dreading the season beginning. All I do is drive, it seems. And, hoot and hollar, and volunteer for shit I really don’t want to do…


    Comment by swirl girl on August 13, 2008
  14. I’m the best soccer mom. I cheer for both teams and bring the best treats. Heh.

    But I couldn’t cut it as a hockey mom. Those women will cut you if you cheer for the other team. LOL.

    Good luck darlin’. Drink strong coffee and don’t make direct eye contact with any of the other crazies.



    Comment by Redneck Mommy on August 13, 2008
  15. WELL. You are definitely braver than I am. Oh please, I hope my kids never want to play the hockey sport….

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Headlines


    Comment by HeatherPride on August 13, 2008
  16. Am totally going to be a hockey dad. My daughter is going to throw hip checks and elbows like nobody’s business.


    Comment by Backpacking Dad on August 13, 2008
  17. I am right there with you! My kiddo played t-ball for the first time this summer and I wanted to crawl under my chair when those moms started with the yelling and crap. If my chair was as cool as yours I might have spent the whole season under it.

    I would love to have the boys in hockey, but for some reason oklahoma is a bit lacking in hockey teams. hmph. That’s part of their Canadian half that will just never be satisfied.


    Comment by AJ on August 13, 2008
  18. I’m a basketball mom, and I have been for awhile now. Long enough that I should know what’s going on. Huh. That’s not happened yet. I could totally referee, though, since it feels like that’s all I’ve been doing as a mom lately!

    differentkindofgirls last blog might say it’s a crush


    Comment by differentkindofgirl on August 13, 2008
  19. Being a hockey mom rocks!! (make sure you don’t call it ice hockey). I don’t yell or scream or anything else, but boy are they cute on the ice.


    Comment by Teri on August 13, 2008
  20. dude, hockey moms? are scary shit.
    my little brother plays hockey and watching him play is extremely entertaining (not because he’s an awesome player – though he is – but because of all the crazies in the stands. Last year I got into a shouting match with a crazy at a game (though he totally deserved it because he was yelling profanities at one of our players in the penalty box. Who does that?)which is when I crossed over from loving sister to Crazy Hockey Sister. Don’t fight it, embrace it. Embrace your crazy hockey mom self.

    hillarys last blog post..I Am Not Your Expectations No No I Am Not My Hair


    Comment by hillary on August 13, 2008
  21. Some of the moms are just insane. Good job not being one of those! Ice hockey…that should make for some intersting posts! Good luck to your wallet.

    Diannas last blog post..My top 5 list…


    Comment by Dianna on August 13, 2008
  22. I’m more a ballet mom with all of these except for a nanny and I can’t take Xanax right now.

    gorillabunss last blog post..operation de-whored


    Comment by gorillabuns on August 13, 2008
  23. If 5 is too late, I’m screwed. I think my 10 year old is starting this year.

    And dude, I HATE soccer. So do my kids. win win.

    Mr Ladys last blog post..And I Suddenly Don’t Want To Kill Him For Buying That Huge TV Anymore


    Comment by Mr Lady on August 13, 2008
  24. did you know that if the kid comes late to a soccer game (even by 30 seconds) they have to wait t’il half time to play?? Happened lask week, poor Scott had to cry on the bench for 1/2 hour. Too bad the coach didn’t tell us in the first game and waited t’il the LAST one for that rule…

    Can I just say HOCKEY RULES! We started Scott last year, so he was 6 .. and no problemo. He had also skated for 3 yrs .. and picked it up like nothing (the hockey). At the young ages, the moms are great .. it does get a little scary at Atom level and up .. even the parents are critical. You get that in ALL sports!


    Comment by Sarah on August 13, 2008
  25. I begin “soccer mom” (not) adventures next week as Declan has his very first practice!

    Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..Ethical Question Fer Ya


    Comment by Aimee Greeblemonkey on August 13, 2008
  26. Ooh I think Hockey would be waaaaay more exciting than soccer-just a guess

    Sensibly Sassys last blog post..Sicko!


    Comment by Sensibly Sassy on August 13, 2008
  27. A) I love your hoddie/shirt/whatever. Can you PLEASE come to Cali and give me a makeover?
    and B)Is your hubby wearing flair jeans?
    oh and C)Am a soccer mom too. Not exactly by your definition, but almost.


    Comment by Miss on August 13, 2008
  28. I can’t help myself! I yell and despite my total lack of knowledge about any of these sports pre-kids I am now an expert…self-proclaimed ;)


    Comment by Jen Maier on August 13, 2008
  29. Dude, a hockey mom is SO MUCH COOLER than a socker mom. (Albeit probably much more of an expensive undertaking.)

    metalias last blog post..It’s a Sad Day When You Realize You Need a Blog Category Devoted to Karaoke


    Comment by metalia on August 13, 2008
  30. Hockey moms are meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean! You go, Girl!

    Teena in Torontos last blog post..Is it done yet?


    Comment by Teena in Toronto on August 13, 2008
  31. Won’t you be freezing your ass off as a hockey mom too?

    Chris Cactuss last blog post..What The Elf


    Comment by Chris Cactus on August 13, 2008
  32. I was going to be all “5 is LATE? What?”

    Then I remembered I put my son in wrestling at 3.

    So. Um. Never mind.


    Comment by Miss Britt on August 13, 2008
  33. From one soccer mom to another, I totally get what you’re saying, but you do realize it’s a little chillier in the rink than on the field.
    I recently blogged about being a soccer mom too!


    Comment by lisa on August 13, 2008
  34. Ooh! You’ve just helped me redefine a life goal. I’m going to be a CHOCOLATE SUNDAE MOM. (It’s a goal of many steps: 1) find a man, 2) get pregnant, 3) not commit infanticide due to lack of sleep, 4) INTRODUCE TO CHOCOLATE SUNDAES.)

    Luckily, I can begin practicing my chocolate sundae recipes RIGHT NOW.

    Mooses last blog post..Please Excuse All Rambling, Poor Grammar, and Unfortunate Phlegm Descriptions


    Comment by Moose on August 13, 2008
  35. I don’t think you have to worry about the hockey moms. It’s the hockey DADS. They’re CRAZY intense! I remember it well from my brother’s days….

    Haley-Os last blog post..If I Could Do Any Day Over Again….


    Comment by Haley-O on August 13, 2008
  36. Hockey parents are scary! And the moms are often worse than the dads-scarier and louder. The dads wait until the game is over to yell at their kids and belittle them in the locker room. The moms scream during the game. I’ve been there, and it’s pretty bad.


    Comment by Lu on August 13, 2008
  37. Around these parts, we don’t have hockey parents – we have baseball/softball parents. They are just as brutal as the soccer moms you described. I plan on sitting on the sidelines with booze in my soda cup. Mike, on the other hand, will totally be out there coaching. It will get interesting.


    Comment by heather on August 13, 2008
  38. Ooooh I hope my son will play ice hockey. Too late for subliminal messages in utero? Hockey isn’t scary, both my brothers played forever. But it’s way freaking cold.

    I am not a soccer mom either but my kids play soccer. I spend the whole time with my crackberry, not talking to anyone unless my BFF is there. I’m an asshat at soccer.


    Comment by Issa on August 13, 2008
  39. I am PRAYING my kids don’t want to play hockey. I love the sport like any true Canadian, but I’d rather sleep than go to practices at 5 am…

    Angellas last blog post..I’m Not As Holey As I Was Last Week


    Comment by Angella on August 13, 2008
  40. Good Christ, honey, you’re going to need more xanax.
    I used to be a hockey Mom, and hated every minute of it. I’m now a basketball Mom and love it and I wave to the icy veined hockey Bit—ahem, Moms as we pass in the adjoining parking lots.


    Comment by Sherendipity on August 13, 2008
  41. I could so see myself being a soccer Mom, but I am crossing my fingers that I don’t ever have to be a hockey one–I just don’t think I’d fit in–they can be vicious typically, can’t they?!

    Multi-Tasking Mommys last blog post..Widening Wednesday Week 32


    Comment by Multi-Tasking Mommy on August 13, 2008
  42. When I was a kid I umpired little league and there was one Mom giving me crap over my strike zone. At one point her son threw a wild pitch and I turned and it hit me square in the back of the head.

    As I stumbled around, possibly having a stroke, the mom yelled “Serves you right!”

    If I had a time machine I’d go back and yell, “Hey, lady, you asshole, I’m twelve. TWELVE!!!!”

    This diatribe relates to your post somehow…

    Mikes last blog post..THE “R” RATED KID!”


    Comment by Mike on August 13, 2008
  43. Well we must be really lame because so far, I am a “Gymnastics Mom”
    I can’t stand contact sports but I know that we are going to start Soccer next year.
    My husband played Hockey in HS and would probably want our son to play that, but I’m a little nervous about that one ;) I will have to look to you for inspiration :D


    Comment by Kelly on August 13, 2008
  44. I hope I don’t become a hockey mom.
    I’ll just let my husband be the sports dad while I shuffle my daughter to dance classes (I hope!)

    LDs last blog post..If You Can’t Beat ‘Em … Join ‘Em


    Comment by LD on August 13, 2008
  45. heh. you might want to check out this video of a hockey mom losing her mind before you go down that path…

    cas last blog post..No Fee 0% Balance Transfer Credit Card Offers


    Comment by ca on August 13, 2008
  46. You can do it Ali…I know you can! We\re not all bad. Although I am a goalies mom. And we are a different group entirely.
    Oh and you wanna talk about going broke from buyin equipment! Check out how much goalie euipment is!!
    Seriously – the best year (for you) will be his first year. Enjoy it!

    Christines last blog post..


    Comment by Christine on August 13, 2008
  47. Being a hockey parent is way better than a soccer parent. Some of the best kids I ever coached did not start playing until they were older. The skating is the important part.

    Trooper Thorns last blog post..Paedomorphism versus Neoteny in Chinese Gymnastics


    Comment by Trooper Thorn on August 14, 2008
  48. I’d like my children to play soccer, but I have the opposite problem- HEAT. I see the children running up and down the field in 100 degrees and I break out in a sweat just looking at them. ACK. And to have to cheer them on- no thanks! Maybe being a hockey mom is a good idea.

    180/360s last blog post..A Sea of Blue


    Comment by 180/360 on August 14, 2008
  49. Heh you just gotta get out there and scream!!
    i enjoy soccer. now that i finally understand some of the rules – from being the perfect girlfriend and attending all his games.

    oh ice hockey – geez!!! good luck, that’s a totally ruthless game! lol

    Bronnies last blog post..Juicy secrets; with a capital J


    Comment by Bronnie on August 14, 2008
  50. Just don’t call it ‘ice’ hockey when you’re there. That kinda flashes a neon “I’m not from here” sign above your head. Just put on a toque, grab a cup of Tim Horton’s and glare at the ice. They should leave you alone.

    Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Good Morning


    Comment by Captain Dumbass on August 14, 2008
  51. Wish I could help you, but I’m the biggest soccer Mom going (which you knew). I watch it, coach it and play it. In fact, other Moms get really freaking tired of hearing me talk about it!

    I think you’ll make an adorable hockey mom though!

    Chantals last blog post..Bullety, Edition 36; Twilight


    Comment by Chantal on August 18, 2008
  52. Clearly there is nothing wrong with being the kind of soccer/hockey mom you are. All you should do is encourage him and let him have fun. He’s a kid.

    It’s the parents who get all crazy and want their kids to be professional athletes at age 7 that have the issues. The pressure will just make them hate the sport.

    Kristabellas last blog post..Weekend Update


    Comment by Kristabella on August 19, 2008
  53. Great post ! I want to know when you update your blog, where can i subscribe to your blog? :) :) :)


    Comment by business web site hosting on September 16, 2008
  54. My kids are still too young for the soccer/hockey stuff. But I’m not looking forward to sitting on the grass and watching them play. I hate being outdoors!

    Stephanies last blog post..i kaboodle, do you?


    Comment by Stephanie on September 28, 2008
  55. My sons play both sports and I love being a soccer and a hockey mom. It’s sad that so many of you have painted such a nasty picture of the moms in both sports (especially in hockey!). Both sports are great and if your children love it – let them play and lead by example (ie..don’t be a nutty parent). Hockey/soccer rocks (and whatever activity/sports your child like to participate in.


    Comment by sportsmum on January 13, 2009
  56. Except for the minivan, I’m totally a soccer mom!


    Comment by Lori Gilson on January 2, 2011

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