July 24 08

i pay my son for every time he kicks the ball in soccer. i lock myself in the bathroom and cry ‘stomach ache’ just to get a little down time. i was in St. Lucia when Emily turned 7. i let the kids eat in the family room because i’m too tired to argue with them and force them to eat at the table. my kids use ‘that’s what she said’ correctly. i hide junk food from my kids and when they catch me sneaking it, i tell them it’s “diet food” so i don’t have to share. my son channels his inner Superbad and i post it on the internet. i dropped Josh when he was a baby…during a diaper change…when he peed all over himself…and in.his.eye.socket. and i had to figure out how to get it out. my kids eat hot dogs. i toilet trained with bribery – smarties. mmm..smarties…

i have my fair share of “mother of the year” stories.

but this one?

takes the cake.

last night i was sitting on the couch, laptop in hand. The girls were watching A Cinderella Story and i was enjoying some post-dinner-craziness down time. I was leaving a comment on Melissa Summers’ site, Suburban Bliss, on her post about giving a blow-job for her 11th anniversary.

“men…like…

Mommy? what’s a blow job?”

fantastic.

i hadn’t realized that Emily was reading over my shoulder.

panic.

“it’s something…it’s something bloggers do!!”

(“why’d you say Burma?” “I panicked”)

(also…not really a lie….)

“oh, okay.”

MOTHER

OF

THE

YEAR

where did my sweet baby girl go?

who in the hell decided it was okay for kids to learn to read anyway??

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  1. Oh my! Yes, yes that is something bloggers do, so you didn’t lie. She’s 7 and a half, and she’ll probably know what that means before she’s nine anyway….

    Ali, I have to tell you, I totally don’t get “that’s what she said.” Please don’t laugh at me for being a loser!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Heather on July 24, 2008
  2. *snort*

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    Comment by mamatulip on July 24, 2008
  3. giggle.

    that’s it, i’m not teaching my kids to read!

    pgoodnesss last blog post..One more letter

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    Comment by pgoodness on July 24, 2008
  4. Mine can’t talk yet, but I’m sure it wont be long before she’s spewing forth profanity. I haven’t learned to curb it. That pic of her is DARLING! So cute :)

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    Comment by H.E.Eigler on July 24, 2008
  5. Yah…just wait. Mine finally got around to pushing for every detail about how sex actually works. Then, gasping, he says “so…did Daddy do that to YOU?” Ugh. Barf. Ummmmm…”well, I do have you and your sister”. He responds resigned, “Oh.”

    I have never felt so dirty.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jen Maier on July 24, 2008
  6. *snort* Ya, you take the cake. Diet cake of course.

    [Reply]

    Comment by sam on July 24, 2008
  7. Oh, dear. Maybe I should keep the kids from learning to read…

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    Comment by Angella on July 24, 2008
  8. OMG! That’s funny!

    Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..Stop Calling Me Evander!

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    Comment by Mrs. Schmitty on July 24, 2008
  9. Wow, what an anniversary gift! And I just ordered my Canadian a box of Zero bars and Coffee Crisp for our 10th. He’s gonna have to be satisfied with that!

    Maybe I should start homeschooling my kids so I can put a stop to this whole reading thing while the biggest concern in our house is just how mom pees with no weiner.

    [Reply]

    Comment by AJ on July 24, 2008
  10. hahaha!no still laughing hahaha hahahahaha!!!!

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    Comment by LAVENDULA on July 24, 2008
  11. Oh my sweet Lord. Your kiddo just made my day. What an excellent entry on the Motherhood Transcript.

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    Comment by Moose on July 24, 2008
  12. ha ha ha… you know what they say? It’s never too early to start sex ed for your children. Parent of the Year? Heck yess!

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    Comment by Sarah on July 24, 2008
  13. you are my role model

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    Comment by di on July 24, 2008
  14. Ali, you absolutely slay me (on an almost daily basis). One of these days I’m going to have to start charging you for all the windex I use to clean the spurted tea from my screen!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Lucy on July 24, 2008
  15. Hahahahahaha I think you’re about the coolest mom any kid could hope for!

    camels & chocolates last blog post..The Blue-Haired Express

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    Comment by camels & chocolate on July 24, 2008
  16. Those damn bloggers and all of those blow jobs. Maybe if we all united and worked harder for the greater good we could achieve world peace via the blogger blow job.

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    Comment by Shamelessly Sassy on July 24, 2008
  17. PS. i even have a slogan for it, ‘saving the world one blow at a time’

    [Reply]

    Comment by Shamelessly Sassy on July 24, 2008
  18. hahah! You’re going to have to put a bell on that kid or something.

    Assertagirls last blog post..The swirling.

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    Comment by Assertagirl on July 24, 2008
  19. Oh. my. got.

    Payton has been known to read my iChats to his dad and I dread the day he’ll read something he shouldn’t.

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    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on July 24, 2008
  20. oh my gosh classic!

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    Comment by Lissa on July 24, 2008
  21. I’d be watching her google usage for the next couple of days…

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on July 24, 2008
  22. Haaahaaaaa! I’m DYING of laughter here.

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    Comment by metalia on July 24, 2008
  23. oh SHIT!!!!

    ps. I do some of those things too. (junkfood)

    [Reply]

    Comment by monstergirlee on July 24, 2008
  24. Ha ha, oh crap!! Whoops :) Let’s hope she doesn’t use that one in public!

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    Comment by Katie on July 24, 2008
  25. mine can’t even stand it if i say the word sex. how the hell am i going to explain a bj to her?

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    Comment by zeghsy on July 24, 2008
  26. I’m just waiting for the inevitable “Bloggers give blowjobs?!?!” comment from my husband.

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    Comment by heather on July 24, 2008
  27. “it’s something bloggers do!”

    Speak for yourself.

    My poor husband.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Jennifer on July 24, 2008
  28. oh my gosh. Just don’t introduce her to any other bloggers b/c it could make for some awkward conversation! haha

    Sarahs last blog post..You Fight Like A Girl

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    Comment by Sarah on July 24, 2008
  29. I told my daughter who reads over my shoulder (I actually am pissed that she learned how to read) that a blow jon was what you do when the keyboard is dirty. Then I did the visual to show her (the keyboard not the porn version…)

    I hope that staves her off for a while..

    [Reply]

    Comment by swirl girl on July 24, 2008
  30. AWESOME!

    You could have told her to ask her dad…

    [Reply]

    Comment by jodi on July 24, 2008
  31. I freaking love it. I still think you should have told her you meant a blow pop. My oldest learned to read at four, which is great and terrible all at once.

    Just so you don’t feel alone in your mothering skillz..my kids had watermelon and ice cream for lunch. They have been on the wii for oh about three hours now. And last night when my 6 year old said she wished she was still at grandma’s house, I said, I wish you were too. Mother O’ the year, here we come. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by Issa on July 24, 2008
  32. ps. I adore that photo. Makes my uterus hurt and hell I’ve got a tiny boy in there.

    Issas last blog post..She’s says I need help: well duh, that’s why I pay you lady!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Issa on July 24, 2008
  33. It’s okay, Al, you’re not alone. Monkey was trying to fix something, and it slipped, and she said “fuck.” Right context and everything! WTF!?!

    Haley-Os last blog post..Oh, the Things I Could Do If I Quit Starbucks

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    Comment by Haley-O on July 24, 2008
  34. So glad I’m not alone in my fine parenting skills. Now if you’ll excuse me, Mommy needs the kids to fix her another cocktail.

    Just jamies last blog post..A Segue And a Pear Tree

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    Comment by Just jamie on July 24, 2008
  35. I would have just died. Right there.

    Kristies last blog post..Parenting is tough sometimes.

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    Comment by Kristie on July 24, 2008
  36. Haha. I no longer feel quite so alone in the “why did I let her learn to read” game.

    Just the other day, my friend decided to show us all what she won at a bachelorette party and when she brought it out, Ash yells “WHAT’S a BUTT PLUG MOMMY!?”

    Mortified doesn’t even begin to describe it does it?

    MadWomanMegs last blog post..I’m better than you are…neener neener!!

    [Reply]

    Comment by MadWomanMeg on July 24, 2008
  37. This is kinda why we don’t think you really have kids.

    But what was your comment? That men like blowjobs? That’s a newsflash.

    Kristabellas last blog post..Insignificant

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    Comment by Kristabella on July 24, 2008
  38. oh no! lololol :^)

    anne nahms last blog post..Pregnant as a Wet Hen

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    Comment by anne nahm on July 24, 2008
  39. my son asked what sound his dad made when he was having sex. then he made some choice sounds for me to select from.

    that’s what you can look forward to when your kids are 11.

    that girls last blog post..Hiatus and I mean Business. I think.

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    Comment by that girl on July 24, 2008
  40. Dude…I mean chick…
    I’ve missed ya. But now I’m back. Sorry about the kid over the shoulder thing? Mine still think I’m just weird on the computer all the time…

    goodncrazys last blog post..Plumbers Union

    [Reply]

    Comment by goodncrazy on July 25, 2008
  41. I guess I’m glad my daughter isn’t interested in reading.

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    Comment by gorillabuns on July 25, 2008
  42. Really? It’s something bloggers do? I’m going to have to have a talk with my wife.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Matthew on July 25, 2008
  43. Ha! Great comeback, Mom!

    Teena in Torontos last blog post..RIP Randy Pausch

    [Reply]

    Comment by Teena in Toronto on July 25, 2008
  44. Do not tell Mr. Smartypants, K?

    Alli ~Mrs. Fussypantss last blog post..Fight the Frump -Truthfulness in self portraiting

    [Reply]

    Comment by Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants on July 26, 2008
  45. I laughed SO Freakin’ hard. Yep. Mother of the Year – Here’s to you! (My glass is raised.)
    But this Blogger DOESN’T do BJs

    Dawns last blog post..dogs smell fear. men smell independence

    [Reply]

    Comment by Dawn on July 28, 2008
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