July 23 08

phone karma. make fun of your dinky little phone and it will hide your messages from you and then, all of a sudden, it will be all “hey, dude, you have 29 messages!” and i really wish that 29 was an exaggeration. it’s not. this morning i had 29 phone messages. and i’m not that popular. (i’m no backpacking dad. heh)

dare-to-go-away karma. could also be titled code 9 karma. ali leaves for a few days to go to some conference, and she is punished with a code 9 emergency. Isabella wakes up, complains about the bugs flying around in her room (wtf?) and follows that up with a lovely little welcome home mama barf-fest. fancy. and, of course, the husband was not at home. he’s never there for the ole heave-ho.

i mean, she DID tell me she didn’t want me to go…

(or maybe she just thought that my new suitcase was a brand-new toy and place to hide. or something)

(still think she’s a mythical hobbit, SLynnRo? Kristabella?)

i love horror karma. tell everyone you speak to that the new(ish) Rob Zombie Halloween movie is ridiculous and totally unscary and uncreepy because Michael Meyers (ps. also? totally random and hilarious? the name of my high school principal. ha!) was just a kid. yes, a disturbed kid who likes to wear masks and kill animals…but a PERSON nonetheless. so…

when he gets shot four times and doesn’t die and then gets shot in the HEAD and still doesn’t die…it becomes comical, not creepy.

and then you hear about this story while in your weekly tuesday brainstorming session (oh. my. god. ew) and then you have nightmares about scary scratchy people with their brains falling out busting down the doors while you are in the strangest bathroom stalls in the 6th floor Macy’s bathroom in SF. awesome.

(also? i weep because i stayed home and watched Big Brother – which is completely boring the everloving crap out of me this season – and Halloween while the husband gets to go and see The Dark Knight. boo. Christian Bale and Heath Ledger vs. Michael Meyers and crappy reality tv stars? I LOSE)

time-change karma. complain that you are waking up at the buttcrack of dawn while in SF and still on Eastern time…and then when you come home you won’t be able to fall asleep until 3am because your body finally adjusted and now you’re actually on Pacific time.

it’s all neener neener on me, it seems…

give me coffee.

(and someone give my son a sandwich…because, seriously? i’m afraid Sally Struthers is going to come break down my door and start feeding him…)

who wants to go see The Dark Knight and eat cheeseburgers** tonight at 1am? but please, i warn you, don’t call me, because i won’t get the message until Sunday. i promise i’ll put the McDonald’s bag on my head. and i promise you will laugh. because hot damn…cheeseburgers = FUNNY.

**i’ve never actually ever even had a cheeseburger. i just like to pretend. ha!

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  1. I think dare-to-go-away Karma is the most dangerous. I’m actually kind of impressed you were able to get in the front door of the house after daring to leave the family to fend for themselves. At my house that means complete anarchy and there ends up being crap all over the floor and the kid doesn’t ever sleep. Good times.

    Glad you had fun at BlogHer, even if it was without me!

    Burgh Babys last blog post..When You’re Right, You’re Right. And I Am.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Burgh Baby on July 23, 2008
  2. Even the PICTURES for that movie are scaring me!!!

    And, yeah, BIG BROTHER’S a total joke so far……

    Haley-Os last blog post..Why I Blog

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    Comment by Haley-O on July 23, 2008
  3. Well you’ve got your SLR, now you must have the Blackberry Curve. I used my mother-in-law’s 3-week invasion as an excuse to get one. (She’s a computer hog and I need email and internet for work! No, really I do! I swear!) And now I am a Crackberry addict. You must have it, my gadget loving friend!

    How do the dads always avoid the barfing? I have been puked on in the middle of the night 4 times and he’s always safely away from the projectile vomiting. Jerk.

    Josh looks to be the same size as my kiddo his age. Maybe we got the runts of the litter or something. (The runts are always the cutest right?) But if Sally shows up she’ll think I stole Starvin Marvin and left him out in the sun too long.

    [Reply]

    Comment by AJ on July 23, 2008
  4. I don’t think it wuld be all that bad if Sally Struthers came to feed you kids – I mean maybe she could bring some of her correspondence school materials and your kids could start earning you some money.

    Okay. It’s a damn good thing I do not have children.

    Rhis last blog post..Because you were hoping for another BlogHer Update Post, and I always deliver

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    Comment by Rhi on July 23, 2008
  5. You are way prettier and nicer than backpacking dad.

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Do you duck and cover?

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    Comment by Backpacking Dad on July 23, 2008
  6. That pic of Isabella is too funny. I want her!

    I have all sorts of karma, usually of the bad variety and relating to travel (which is ironic, because I’m a good person! I AM!).

    I’m going to see Dark Knight too with my mom and sis but 1am is far past my ability to focus.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Oh, Canada

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    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on July 23, 2008
  7. stinkerbell has woken up screeching like a banshee and trying to brush bugs off of herself.kids are so weird sometimes.what a funny pic of bella.and i haven’t seen batman dark knight but i did go see mamma mia.

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    Comment by LAVENDULA on July 23, 2008
  8. Number 1: Cheesburgers are NOT kosher (no matter what you may have heard)

    2: glad you had a great time at blogher- sorry about the time diff. I had the same problem when wwe flew to israel in may.

    3:sorry little girl was sick- brihgt side? your suitcase rocks!

    Mayas last blog post..Attempting to Move

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    Comment by Maya on July 23, 2008
  9. I’m a little afraid of how hard it’s going to be to switch back to east coast time. At least there’s a Saturday to recover!

    Assertagirls last blog post..Can’t…stop…thinking about…burritos…

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    Comment by Assertagirl on July 23, 2008
  10. Rob Zombie’s Hallowe’en scared the piss out of me. Seriously.

    And? I could have talked to you forever last night. So. Good. to talk to you. :)

    [Reply]

    Comment by mamatulip on July 23, 2008
  11. Never EVER? had a cheeseburger? or just not that day…

    Poor you coming home to a barf fest…ugh and we all know how much you love puke. I really sympathise.

    KathyMs last blog post..Back to reality

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    Comment by KathyM on July 23, 2008
  12. Kids love to puke in my hands too – and I’m just the babysitter. It’s happened at least 4 times that I can think of (and that doesn’t count the time a kid puked down the back of my shirt – long story).

    I too have never had a cheeseburger.

    The phone thing – in my experience, this happens when you need to “update” your location/roaming or something. On my last 2 or so phones I would push *228 and then it goes through a menu to update your phone. Not sure if that works in Canada though, sorry.

    Also, I want a pink suitcase.
    That is all.

    Sarahs last blog post..How to Easily (and Cheaply) Fragrance Your Car

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    Comment by Sarah on July 23, 2008
  13. Oh sure, Sally Struthers COULD feed your kid…if you could wrench the Ding Dongs out of her hands!

    Margarets last blog post..Bugs: They’re Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

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    Comment by Margaret on July 23, 2008
  14. You’ve never had a cheeseburger ever? or just from McD’s? I too am totally bored with BB this season but am happy they are showing The Tudors again so am watching it this time round…

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    Comment by Maria on July 23, 2008
  15. I am so with you on the time change. It’s taking me forever to get readjusted!

    Katies last blog post..Why I Do What I Do

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    Comment by Katie on July 23, 2008
  16. From what I hear, Sally may actually eat your children. I get all my facts from South Park. Don’t Judge.

    OH HOLY HELL. I should NOT have read “The Itch”….

    The Over-Thinkers last blog post..And then I became Canadian….and it didn’t even involve alcohol!

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    Comment by The Over-Thinker on July 23, 2008
  17. omg, how many of those fucking ones were from me?!?!?! lol

    jennsters last blog post..you wanna do what tonight? ha!

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    Comment by jennster on July 23, 2008
  18. No cheeseburgers and only ONE hot dog?! You are a mystery, Ali Martell.

    I refer to you in my head as AliMartell. And out loud. All one word.

    heathers last blog post..In The Face of Fear, True Beauty

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    Comment by heather on July 23, 2008
  19. I am still stuck on the ‘never had a cheeseburger’ thing.

    when you do, don’t waste it on McDonald’s…I would just do the fries there.

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    Comment by swirl girl on July 23, 2008
  20. OH MY GOD WHY DID I READ THAT?

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    Comment by B2G on July 23, 2008
  21. OMG your son is adorable… look at his redneck tan!

    And yes he’s a darn skinny thing but THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT MOM – he’s just fine, he is not starving to death no matter how many dreams you have that he is you freak!

    Wait a minute. Did I just say that?

    My bad…I thought I was talking to my mother for a minute there – she used to have disturbing dreams about my skinny son that she loved sharing with me so I’d feel like a shit mother.

    I need therapy.

    You don’t. Your son is just right.

    jasmines last blog post..bike tips for idiots

    [Reply]

    Comment by jasmine on July 23, 2008
  22. I’ve never had a cheeseburger either. we are so meant to be!

    (but really? no cheeseburgers. this makes no sense unless you are a cheese hater like me.)

    slynnros last blog post..My Tuesday, In Photographs, or Why I Love the Internet

    [Reply]

    Comment by slynnro on July 23, 2008
  23. That photo of her is the suitcase is a framer!

    I had a cheeseburger, and it was divine!

    Angellas last blog post..Back To Life, Back To Reality

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on July 23, 2008
  24. Please excuse all of the exclamation marks. I’m still recovering from the weekend.

    Angellas last blog post..Back To Life, Back To Reality

    [Reply]

    Comment by Angella on July 23, 2008
  25. Awesome post…how about the I’m so Portugeese I don’t need suntan lotion karma? And then you shave your head and get a sunburned scalp?

    Hmm. That may not be karma exactly, but it sucks nonetheless.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mike on July 23, 2008
  26. My son is JUST as skinny, and because of my OWN picky-eating as a kid karma, he never eats anything. I think he gets nutrition through osmosis or something.

    manager moms last blog post..I’ve Had The Time Of My Life

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    Comment by manager mom on July 23, 2008
  27. Two words: Moto. Razr.

    Get one. Also, a cheezburger. You can has! There ar vegan onez!

    Her Bad Mothers last blog post..Now The Party’s Over. I’m So Tired.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Her Bad Mother on July 23, 2008
  28. Yeah, that story about The Itch made me VOW TO NEVER SCRATCH MY HEAD AGAIN. YIKES.

    Rebeccas last blog post..On Her Blindness

    [Reply]

    Comment by Rebecca on July 23, 2008
  29. I have not gone to bed before midnight because I’m wide awake until then. Stupid West Coast time! And also, you could have hired those children.

    I had fries and no cheeseburgers. Y was giving them out to homeless people, so I gave her the 2 in my purse. See, I can be nice.

    Kristabellas last blog post..My Therapist Might Have A Point

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kristabella on July 23, 2008
  30. I’m trying to find a way to ditch the (breastfeeding) kid so that I can see Dark Knight. Does that make me a bad mom?

    nomotherearths last blog post..Not all Starbucks are created equal

    [Reply]

    Comment by nomotherearth on July 23, 2008
  31. Was I ever small enough to fit in a suitcase??!!

    Teena in Torontos last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #35

    [Reply]

    Comment by Teena in Toronto on July 23, 2008
  32. wow, I just read the Itch story. Fucking YIKES. Wow. freaking me out. Sometimes when I get undressed before bed, I’ll stand there and itch my entire body for about 10 minutes, drives my husband crazy. But somehow I don’t think I’ll itch until my brain fluid leaks out. YIKES!
    thanks for sharing all the photos. I’m almost through greeblemonkeys, yours are next. Tho I did see some of them too.
    Glad you had fun. Love the suitcase photo, sooo cute!

    monstergirlees last blog post..Himself – Day 1

    [Reply]

    Comment by monstergirlee on July 24, 2008
  33. Really poor grammar. Sorry. Mea culpa.

    monstergirlees last blog post..Himself – Day 1

    [Reply]

    Comment by monstergirlee on July 24, 2008
  34. Girl, Karma hates me. So I flip him the bird.

    And then it rains and my hair goes frizzy.

    Dammit.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Kelley on July 24, 2008
  35. My crotch is raw from all of the dry humping! Sigh. How many more blogher pictures can my crotch and computer take?

    BTW: I love you but don’t feel sorry for you over the time change karma. I tried, but I just can’t.

    [Reply]

    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on July 24, 2008
  36. I just read that story. It made me feel itchy all over. SO now I am worried I am going to scratch my brains out.

    amandas last blog post..Supporting the Local

    [Reply]

    Comment by amanda on July 27, 2008
  37. [...] have been here before. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit [...]

    Pingback by » It’s, Like, Beyond Comical At This Point. Cheaper Than Therapy on February 5, 2012
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