June 24 08

if you’ve ever read this site before, you know that i have no issues making fun of myself. you know i tell you when i stick my ass through wicker chairs, and when i say ‘sweet the lick’ and when i have to pee in McDonald’s coffee cups because i’m stuck on a bridge at the border and am wearing lululemons that are pressing on my pee button and there’s no end in sight. see…i’m all about the self-mock. i can take it.

and i’ve got another good one for you today. although, this one goes back a couple of years. to 2002. the year i decided to get pregnant for the second time. and coincidentally, the same year my sister AND my brother decided to get married. lucky me. pregnant at TWO siblings weddings in the same summer. (yes, i’m still bitter) and for my sister’s, lucky me, i got crowned slapped in the face with the title of “matron of honor” which denotes a certain whale-ish and old-ish image right there now, doesn’t it? so, being 5 months pregnant didn’t help things. at all.

anyway….so, here i was, with my princessgorgeousstunning sister of mine.

and just for shits and giggles, you can have the full body shot. there’s me, 5 months pregnant. in my fucking matron-of-honor gown. that was three sizes too big. because, if there’s one thing i’m good at, predicting how LARGE i will be 4 months in the future isn’t one of them. so we guessed. and we guessed but WRONG. the dress? too small in the boob area…so i had to wear this lovely piece of, um, spandex underneath to SUCK those puppies in. the dress? too big everywhere else. i needed an empathy belly…

but, we haven’t even come to the embarrassing part yet.

i was asked forced to make a speech. remember, this was pre-30 ali…ali who wouldn’t be able to make a speech in public. now, i would NAIL it. for the record. but, since i didn’t prepare anything. fuck. why didn’t i prepare anything. it was not the time to get all high and mighty..”i’ll just wing it! it will be great!”

and since i didn’t have my very own wedding crashers to help me…

i went out. completely unprepared. trying to hold my dress up over my gigantenormous bosoomas. trying not to look at all the eyes staring at me.

and then i started rambling. about how much i love my sister. because she’s awesome. (i’m sure i used that word once or 40 times) because she stayed with me when my grandparents LEFT me in a McDonald’s parking lot because i slammed my hand down on a ketchup packet and watched and laughed as it sprayed all over the people beside us (true story)

so, it was nice. and i should have stopped. but, i couldn’t. and then i said something about how i’m glad she found someone who could put up with her. and then i started crying.

and then it went dark.

but, i didn’t faint. but i sure as hell wish i had. it was my memory that went dark. i have NO idea what happened after that. the only thing i remember was REALLY needing a drink. but i was pregnant.

and, friends, that is why you should NEVER ask an irritable, hot whale to give an unprepared speech at a wedding.

ever.

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  1. I am going to be the MOH at a December 27th wedding. I have been searching my soul (daily) for something to say since MARCH to come up with something to say. I’ve got nothing.

    I’ll let you know how it goes in December (God willing, I won’t be pregnant)… until then, I’ll be frantically googling “how to give a maid of honor toast”… haha

    Thank you for your self-mockery… it made me smile :-)

    Sarahs last blog post..Quote of the Week

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    Comment by Sarah on June 24, 2008
  2. hey, that sounds a whole lot like my sister’s toast at our wedding, except she couldn’t blame it on pregnancy! she basically cried, then hugged me, then cried some more… I think she was crying because I got married first and I’m four years younger.

    lorens last blog post..The post about nothing

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    Comment by loren on June 24, 2008
  3. I have to do a reading in church next weekend, FIL’s wedding .. and my dh has to do the toast, will be sure to remember this Ali, and pray I or my husband don’t black out too..
    so, your grandparents REALLY left you in a parking lot .. man, you sound as fiesty as Josh!

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    Comment by Sarah on June 24, 2008
  4. I thankfully have never been maid of honor, so I haven’t had to give any speeches.

    I save those for work meetings after work hours when I’m drunk and decide to tell my co-workers that they’re just awesome.

    They are not.

    Kristabellas last blog post..Dear Human

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    Comment by Kristabella on June 24, 2008
  5. You look pretty darn cute being that pregnant…

    I’m giving the speech as the matron of honor this summer at my little sister’s wedding…I won’t be pregnant!! But thanks for the tips…be prepared!

    Although, I was the bad bride…my sister was 8 1/2 months pregnant at mine…I often get called nasty names for having her do that! ;)

    Amys last blog post..A little bit of my childhood…

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    Comment by Amy on June 24, 2008
  6. Oh How I can relate!

    When I was 6 months pregnant I was maid of honor in my best friends wedding. Her wedding was indoors, but you walk up the aisle, go up 3 or 4 steps and that is where the bridal party stood. Problem is, behind us was this huge stained glass window.

    So during the middle of the ceremony, I start to feel like I am going to faint. Chris is also in the wedding on the grooms side, and he can tell I’m not doing so hot. So he’s trying to motion to me to go sit down. The bridesmaid next to me notices I’m wobbling around and starts to pratically hold me up.

    I didn’t know what to do! Do I try to get through it? Look like a jackass and leave during the middle of the ceremony? People attending the wedding start to notice too that I am about to loose it. My friends future MIL can tell something’s up and she’s trying to get someone to bring me a chair.

    Fortounatley, I made it. When the ceremony was over, I just went and sat/laid across the chairs. People brought me water and fruit and I felt much better. I think every single person at her wedding saw what was going on up there.

    That’s embarrasing!

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    Comment by Ruby on June 24, 2008
  7. I was 14 when my sister got married. Instead of a speech, I did a wedding rap. To Herbie Hancock’s Rockit. With beatbox.

    Oh, and I was wearing a pink knitted tie and pink socks.

    Seriously.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Writer Participation – Part 3

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on June 24, 2008
  8. When my brother got married, I had this idea in my head that I would give this fantastic speech about how they weren’t two halves becoming one person (I always hated that symbolism) but two whole people coming together to make a family. Cute, right? I, however, suck at speech giving and my speech came across as vaguely pornographic as I mentioned that they were two people coming together. Yeah. And then I repeated it over and over, trying to get my point across. “You know, coming together. Like an explosion. An explosion of love. Two people. Together.” I’m blushing just thinking about it.

    Kendras last blog post.."Well, Hello there Good old friend of mine"

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    Comment by Kendra on June 24, 2008
  9. Luckily my sister is incredible picky and has been searching for 10 years for “Mr. Right” All those years allowed me to have three childen. Phew. Now I have to convince my husband to see Dr. Snip It, cause I can’t stand being prego.

    OHmommys last blog post..Oh, Yea. I am the mom.

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    Comment by OHmommy on June 24, 2008
  10. Not to make your story about me, but I was in 2 weddings just 4 moths AFTER having my third. Fatty Fatterson. Matron of honor too… for sister and sister-in-law

    Ummm… I wore a maternity dress in one of the weddings. I didn’t give the toast at that one cuz I was so pissed to have to wear a maternity dress when I wasn’t pregnant. I had nothing nice to say, so I said nothing at all. Just call me little miss sunshine:)

    jennyonthespots last blog post..My boy.

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    Comment by jennyonthespot on June 24, 2008
  11. I was big and puffy at Matthew’s brother’s wedding, but I was speech-free.

    I think you still looked hot, btw :)

    Angellas last blog post..NOM NOM NOM

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    Comment by Angella on June 24, 2008
  12. Josh made a BRUTAL EMBARRASSING speech at our wedding. I was standing beside him squeezing his hand to SHUT UP already. Everyone loved it because it was HILARIOUSLY rambling, but I was mortified! ;)

    Haley-Os last blog post..Where I Draw the Line….

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    Comment by Haley-O on June 24, 2008
  13. That is friggin hysterical! I’m so glad I’ve never been asked to be in a wedding, especially MOH. Yikes. And you didn’t look bad in that pic. Of course, I’m the mom having double stuffed oreos for lunch, so maybe I’m not the best judge. Ha ha. Just kidding.

    Angies last blog post..A Post for All Women to Read

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    Comment by Angie on June 24, 2008
  14. Thank goodness no one likes me enough to be MOH.

    Jennifers last blog post..The way things are

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    Comment by Jennifer on June 24, 2008
  15. So at my own wedding – not pregnant bride inverts words in the vow part…starts to giggle, starts to snort, starts to shake, hyperventilates and had to be held up.

    forever captured on video

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    Comment by swirl girl on June 24, 2008
  16. “…pressing on my pee button.”

    I didn’t make it much further than that.

    Chantals last blog post..Bullety, Edition 34; Post Fringe

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    Comment by Chantal on June 24, 2008
  17. I’m turning red for you right now.

    I HATE public speaking.

    Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I’m Just a Twitterho

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    Comment by Queen of Shake Shake on June 24, 2008
  18. Aw, you looked great! Unlike me at my brother’s wedding, which happened 2 1/2 months AFTER I had The Baby – who only breastfed and refused all bottles. I looked like a lilac-clad orca with milk stains. Sex-ay.

    Rebeccas last blog post..

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    Comment by Rebecca on June 24, 2008
  19. God, I loathe speaking in public with a passion — especially wedding toasts in a roomful of strangers. The last time I did that, back in November, I got all clammy and nearly passed out.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..The Undeicpherable Mystery of the Bloody Toe

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    Comment by Camels & Chocolate on June 24, 2008
  20. For the record, I think you made a beautiful irritable hot whale.

    kgirltos last blog post..You Want I Should Recommend a Good Book?

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    Comment by kgirlto on June 24, 2008
  21. How did I miss this? This is FANTASTIC. Obviously sympathy, blah blah blah, but awesome. That’s a phenomenal story.

    So did you speak at your brother’s wedding too?

    Pants Wearers last blog post..And now for something very special

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    Comment by Pants Wearer on June 24, 2008
  22. I wasn’t pregnant and gave a horrible, bad speech at my niece’s bridal shower. It was painful. She wanted me to get up again at her wedding and I told her to suck it. Never again on that MOH crap!!!

    marys last blog post..Day by Day

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    Comment by mary on June 24, 2008
  23. My dad started crying so hard before he gave his toast at the wedding he had to leave the room. Then EVERYONE started crying. It was sweet, but Sososososososo awkward at the time.

    slynnros last blog post..In which I reveal a great character flaw.

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    Comment by slynnro on June 24, 2008
  24. I am going to be MOH at my girlfriends wedding. Not planning on being pregnant but will probably look like a whale… Will remember to write something down. Or hide in the loos…

    Kelleys last blog post..Where is my union rep?

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    Comment by Kelley on June 25, 2008
  25. haha…I would be totally screwed if I had to give a speech. I was supposed to write my vows for my wedding and I flaked out so we had to use the traditional ones that you repeat from the minister. I’m a lame ass

    Christines last blog post..Rocking Sangria

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    Comment by Christine on June 25, 2008
  26. For the record, I thought your speech was awesome!

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    Comment by Charna on June 26, 2008
  27. [...] Jack and Ilana’s AND the ‘sweet the lick’ story or maybe even the shitty blubbery speech i gave at my sister’s wedding or maybe even when i peed in front of my children in a [...]

    Pingback by Cheaper Than Therapy » Blog Archive » self mock. again. #932 on August 25, 2008
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    Comment by qgpayztx wfvbtik on September 6, 2008
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