July 2 07

oh yes, it’s another one of these…a my mom story…

let’s just say, for the sake of saying, that your aunt is getting married.

and your mom calls you every single day for two months to see if you are coming.

and you decide to go, because a) even though it’s her third wedding, it is your aunt and b) you suffer from horrible daughter guilt and c) your mother already bought wedding outfits for your children.

and then about 2 hours before the wedding your mom says, “no kids were invited to the wedding. i mean, besides the grandchildren.”

wait a tick….my children are not her grandchildren.

so, you casually say to your mom, “um, does that mean that Emily and Isabella weren’t invited to the wedding?”

and she says, casually, “well, no. but i told Rita they were coming, so it’s okay. we worked it out.”

um. yeah. what the hell does this mean???

so, we show up to the wedding….because at this point we have no choice. i mean, the children are already dressed. and excited to go. and there are no seats for my girls. Isabella on my lap and Emily on my little brother’s. but Emily refused to sit on a lap. refused.

so, i pull my mom aside and say, “so, they REALLY weren’t invited, were they?”

“Well, no,” she says.

so, i take my mom’s keys, and take them home. but first we stop at Cheesecake Factory….because at this point, i need something that’s going to make me not want to kill someone.

basically, long story short, i was more than happy to get a babysitter for these kids. obviously, it’s easier for me to leave them at home and NOT try to keep them in check during a wedding ceremony and before the wedding when i had to retrieve Isabella from the open elevator that she ran into, causing my mother to knock my precious camera to the floor, breaking it into 3 pieces. (and yes, i’m still bitter about this)

but, because my mom wanted to show off her grandkids. because my mother wanted them there. because she didn’t care that her sister-in-law didn’t want them there, she just decided NOT to tell me.

so, i ask you, my dear internets, what would you do??? my mom was having a party last night after the wedding – all the relatives were coming over and she came straight home from the wedding and went into panic party mode, so we didn’t get a chance to speak about it. so, do i talk to her about it? do i let it go? do i just pretend that it didn’t happen?

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  1. OMG… I think I would die! However, your mom is your mom, so there’s probably not much you can say that will change her behaviour in the future. A confrontation will just add to your daughter guilt. Maybe just tell your mom that you intend to write a note to your aunt explaining that you were given the impression that the kids were invited and you apologize for any distress it may have caused.

    [Reply]

    Comment by LoriD on July 2, 2007
  2. Let me make sure I understand… This is a wedding, you like, had to get on an airplane to attend, and your kids weren’t invited? I totally could not let that go without saying something. The anger would eat me alive.

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    Comment by RLGelber on July 2, 2007
  3. Hmm. This is tough.

    I agree with LoriD’s advice — you could send a note to your aunt letting her know you didn’t realize the kids were not invited. Your mom may hear about it from your aunt, and then you won’t have to directly confront her about it.

    And next time you get an invite indirectly, you might want to double check the logistics. ;-)

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    Comment by Nancy on July 2, 2007
  4. WOW! Not knowing your mom, I would definitely confront her and tell her it was really selfish of her to put you in that situation. Tell her how it made you feel. (but I am confrontational that way!)
    And definitely, as the others have suggested, let your aunt know that you were under the impression that the kids were invited.

    *as Dr Phil would say, don’t substitute my judgement for your own :)

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    Comment by Jamie on July 2, 2007
  5. wow – just wow – i don’t know what i’d do – probably complain to the internets and then do nothing… i hate conflict.

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    Comment by Jodi on July 2, 2007
  6. Without question I would have a talk about it. You need to establish rules and/or boundaries with parents or else you are doomed to an eternity of this type of nonsense.

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    Comment by SciFi Dad on July 2, 2007
  7. How is it that your Mom doesn’t read your blog? I went through all kinds of angst about whether or not to blog about her sister, my aunt, who passed away because I was close with her and my mother and she were estranged. I kind of wanted to have a top secret blog that no one I know reads.

    Is this an ongoing issue? I guess if the likelihood of it happening again is like 5%, I probably would leave it alone. Any future family gatherings, call the host/hostess directly if you are invited and inquire about the kids. I do this all the time with dinner parties, etc. And in order to not make the person feel put on the spot, I say something like, “I have a sitter scheduled for that night, I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t expecting children to come.” Then they’ll either say, “Perfect” or “No, all the other guests are bringing their kids and we have a room that we will be locking them in so we adults can party our hearts out without our kids walking in on us doing shots of tequila, smoking cigarettes and making out with other people’s spouses.” Kidding about most of that…although I would mostly rather that my kids didn’t see some of the goings on at some parties I go to…I have a friend who tends to flash her boobs when she gets drunk.

    Oh, what must you think? You ask a simple question about children and moms and weddings…and I turn it into smut!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Di on July 2, 2007
  8. i would definitely talk to her about it. i wouldn’t be able to let it sit and still have a healthy life. i think she should know that what she did bothered you and wasn’t right. and you deserve to get it off your chest.

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    Comment by lara on July 2, 2007
  9. Wow. I mean, my mouth is wide open, Wow. It’s not like you didn’t have to GET ON AN AIRPLANE to attend this, to only find out she didn’t tell you the kids weren’t invited??? Definitely deserves a talk. Hands down. I mean, like you weren’t going to find out? Thank God for Cheescake Factory, huh?! (thinking I need to take a little trip to the one in SF!)

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    Comment by Sara on July 2, 2007
  10. wow Ali, that all sounds just awful, annoying and such a waste. And I am really sorry about your camera, that would tick me off the most I think. And .. I guess I would do as some of the others said, write a note to you aunt that you were under the impression that the kids were invited. And it will get back to your mom anyway. But next time, check with the actual person doing the party, since it seems your mom is not to be trusted :) .. your mom does sounds sweet though, like she really really wanted you and her grandchildren there, and she was going to find anyway to do it. that is kindof endearing to me, if you want to flip the coin and look at it from her point of view. You are lucky you have a mom that is so proud of her family! I am guessing this is not the first time your mom would have tried to swing something like this?! let us know what the outcome is..

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    Comment by sarah on July 2, 2007
  11. *picking jaw up from floor* Oh Crap Ali!

    First of all this sounds like something my mother would do. Totally. Once again, long lost sister or doppleganger!!

    And I woudl wait it out, until you’re back home because a) you want to *try* and enjoy the last days of your trip.
    b) confront her when you’re not so emotional about it all
    c) it’s easier to fight on the phone. No face to face. LOL

    But I’d definitely say something, and for me, that would definitely change any future travel arrangements. That’s just not fair for her to put you in that situation and it’s really selfish of her to not tell you straight up before you even headed down there, AND! the guilt! Oh, so not fair!

    Hope you enjoy your trip otherwise!

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    Comment by sam on July 2, 2007
  12. O gosh!!!!!!!! I’m so sorry! That’s BRUTAL!!!!! And, I thought I heard it ALL with your mom!

    If it were my mom, I’d definitely talk to her about it. But, my mom’s not your mom. I’d tell her how you’re feeling, though. And, make her buy you a new camera AT LEAST!

    I cannot believe it. Is your camera f–cked? How was the cheesecake at least. Al, I feel so bad. Sorry hon!

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    Comment by Haley-O on July 2, 2007
  13. I would definitely talk to her about it, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t be able to let something like that go. I’d be honest with her and tell her that what she did wasn’t cool and next time, she should be honest with you.

    Hope all goes well, whatever you decide to do.

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    Comment by mamatulip on July 2, 2007
  14. holy cripes. I am not sure what to do, but I will tell you I am pissed for you.

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    Comment by aimee/greeblemonkey on July 2, 2007
  15. Ok, are you sure we are not blisters er, sisters? Because that sounds like MY Mum.

    My cousin got married a couple of years ago and HASSLED both of my brothers about taking their relevant children along, raving about how my cousin REALLY wanted children there (I say WTF!) and then (I think) telling my Grandma that my brothers really wanted their children there, who would then in turn, tell my cousin that my brothers really wanted their children there, which of course meant that my cousin would feel bad and declare she wanted children there. The more the merrier!

    My Mum is super sneaky like that.

    It was the first time most of my cousins were old enough to drink together (there are 17 of us) and it was a celebration and reunion as my cousin (who got married) (confused yet?) lives in Scotland.

    So one brother refused, saying he wanted to get a babysitter, and give he and his wife the night off. The other brother was talked into it and had to shell out for flights to get there.

    Mum only did all of this so she could show her Grandchildren off and who was left with the grumpy, shy, tired toddler? Not the Grandmother I tell you.

    Sorry, long comment.

    She better not even try to pull that sort of shit if I ever get married.

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    Comment by LaLa on July 3, 2007
  16. Ohhh … dear.
    I feel your pain about the wedding. I had my own wedding this weekend. And I brought Matt and he was HORRIBLE. (not the same, but kids and weddings – never again).
    I would be pissed off. And, my mom would know. But, she’s 5 minutes away and used to my attitude. I think for your own sanity you should mention it to her – nicely. Like, tell her it was expensive for you, and you would have happily had a babysitter had you only known.
    That’s horrible though. I’d be truly angry. I’m angry for you.

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    Comment by Laural on July 3, 2007
  17. Wow… totally tough call Ali. I don’t even know what to say, I’d be FURIOUS at my mother for this. I’m interested to see how you handled it though, I hope you wrote about it.

    … and you’re broken camera is a perfectly good excuse to whine you’re Dad’s spare one out of him. No?

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    Comment by jasmine on July 3, 2007
  18. Moms….sheesh!!!

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    Comment by Multi-tasking Mommy on July 3, 2007
  19. I’d definitely have to get this one off my chest – probably easier to do now that you’re back home again and not caught up in the moment. I’d certainly be approaching situations like this differently with my mom in the future. The things our mothers put us through…..sorry to hear about your camera. That would have been the straw to break my back, for sure.

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    Comment by Kie on July 4, 2007
  20. Well, I just found out about this blog thing, and I can’t BELIEVE you would talk about your family, especially ME, for the entire world to see. What could you POSSIBLY be thinking?!? I know I neglected to mention that the kids weren’t invited, but so many people had asked to see them, that I talked to Rita, and I thought we had worked it out. I can’t BELIEVE that she didn’t have seats for them. HOW UNBELIEVABLY RUDE!!! I CERTAINLY won’t be attending her 4th wedding!

    [Reply]

    Comment by Mom on July 15, 2007
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