December 23 05

can’t really pinpoint it.

it’s probably because my husband is putting lots of pressure on me to get a job.

he’s right. i can’t afford to pay for my nanny ($500/2 weeks) and not work. because not only am i not making any money, i’m having to pay someone on top of that. but there’s lots to consider. leaving my gorgeous baby girl. i don’t know if i can. i am enjoying her so much. also, i was home for joshie and emily…it’s not really fair to her. i’m thinking of getting rid of my nanny for a while, just to save some money. also, because she’s just not that great of a nanny.

oh, and, my sister in law (for the record, i love her to death and am sooooo happy for her. really happy.) got a job in publishing. just like that. no interview at all. no job searching. and she can freakin’ work from home. why don’t things just happen to me like that? pefect jobs falling right out of the sky.

oh, and also, i brought up the idea of going back to school and getting a teaching degree (one year program that my mom offered to pay for!!) so i could work part-time while the kids are little, only to have the husband tell me that i’d make a terrible teacher. that truly was an ass-y thing to say.

it’s probably because i’m tired.

isabella is a good sleeper. i really can’t complain. but, i’m still tired. don’t judge.

my kids tire me out. the girl is so mentally tiring, and the boy is so physically tiring these days.

it’s probably because i loathe friday carpools.

i drive 4 kids. emily and three boys. emily is soo well behaved. she can get out of the classroom, carry her stuff, get in and out of the car, go into the afternoon school, sit down and attempt to eat her lunch, pack up and make it to the classroom by 12:25. the three boys. not so much. it takes them so long to get out of the classroom. they drop all their belongings OUTSIDE of my car. then i have to buckle each one in, over snowpants. not fun. then when i take them out of the van, they race off, leaving all their belongings in the car. then i fight with the bags to get inside. then i fight with the boys to sit still and try to eat. not act like total goons. then i fight with the boys to pack up all their stuff and throw their garbage away. then i fight with them to make it to class. sheesh. this is not something i’d wish on anyone.

it’s probably because even though i have lots of friends, i feel lonely.

just. no real comment on this.

it’s probably because i feel fat and ugly even though i know i am neither of these things.

i wear a size 0. sometimes a 1. all my 2′s are now getting big on me. i am skinny. i know this. but when i look in the mirror, all i see is a buddha belly and thunder thighs. i see pockets of loose skin. i am now seeing wrinkles. wrinkles. i’m 27 years old!

it’s probably because i’m stressed about flying to atlanta on sunday.

i do not travel well. at all. i get anxious. i’m get nervous about the kids behaving. the idea of trying to shlep all of our stuff through the airport, through customs, get to the gate, get on the plane. get into atlanta. ga. i’m tired just thinking about it. i’m nervous about isabella once we get there. being out of her normal environment. it wasn’t good last month when we went. i’m nervous about the kids getting sick. without fail, every time we travel, the kids get sick before we go. once it was croup, once it was asthma acting up, twice it was stomach flu. i can’t imagine what’s coming our way in the next few days.

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