1. “I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It’s a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better, Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia. How’s that?”

2. “He’s an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too. Lorraine, if you ever have a kid that acts that way I’ll disown you.”

3. “Snozzberry…who ever heard of a snozzberry?!”

4. “so this is what a harvard bar looks like? i thought there’d be like equations and shit on the walls.”

5. “If I had a tumor, I’d name it Marla.”

6. “Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsaries, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.”

7. “So, you’ve never been curious about men? ”
“Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.”

8. “Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I’m free the next morning.”

9. “What do you do, shower once a week?”
“Is that an invitation?”

10. “In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.”