I don’t remember where I first saw it being referred to as Twilight: Breaking Hymen (Videogum, maybe?), but I haven’t been able to think of it as anything else since. Jesus, I wish I had come up with that. Twilight: Breaking Headboard is a fairly decent runner-up as well. Just as I had done with the three movies before it, I saw the latest Twilight film in the theater, armed with a large popcorn dinner and a strong urge to punch some teenagers in the face. “Seriously, I feel, like, oh my god, so bad for Barbie. She’s totally got a REP now.” I didn’t punch them, but I did manage to shush them three times. Oh yes. I am a shusher. And, if we’re being honest here, I’m pleased as punch that I am.

I almost feel  like calling it a FILM was a misnomer, because, truly, I believe there’s a difference between a movie and a film. And you should really trust me on this one, as I was raised in the Church of TV Screens and Movie-Theater Saints.

Film= The Godfather, part II

Movie= Dirty Dancing

Film= Casablanca

Movie= Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Are you feeling me on this one?

Yesterday, interestingly, I saw a tweet pop up where Miss Jonniker asked what your favorite movie was…if you had to pick one. I shot back with a quick Almost Famous answer. Because it is, in truth, my answer. Always. Now, I’m sure there will be arguments here. But—to me—Almost Famous is a little piece of Cameron Crowe perfection, even down to the handwritten opening credits.Epic, I say. Each scene is a little piece of magic. I am a golden god. Someday you’ll be cool. Rolling Stone. THE BUS SCENE. The music. Frances McDormand. Lester effing Bangs. I’m telling secrets to the one guy you don’t tell secrets to. Zooey Deschanel before she was Zooey Deschanel.

THE BUS SCENE.

I’m never as good as when you’re there. 

I can’t even, you guys.

Either you get it or you, well, don’t.

Film.

100% FILM.

I’m fairly certain that I don’t need to explain to you that Breaking Hymen is a guilty pleasure movie.

You put on your I-Don’t-Expect-Much-Out-Of-This hats and sit and enjoy the show, even down to the campy scene where the werewolves have a conversation. This should never have happened. Werewolves, in wolf form, having a conversation with their human voices. It was like watching Alvin and the Chipmunks or something decidedly more awkwardly comical and uncomfortable. But that’s the thing, the Twilight movies are just so ridiculous that they are great.

With the exception of the name Renesmee. Because, sweet lord, there has never been a worse name in the history of ever. Only now I just know that there will be little Renesmees popping up all over the damn place. Note to pregnant mothers out there: Do Not Name Your Baby Renesmee. No. If you feel compelled to use a name from the film, I highly recommend Alice. Your daughter will probably hate you less.

(Also, I’m totally on Team Edward.)

I think we need a third category here. Guilty Pleasure.

Film: Fargo

Movie: Some Kind of Wonderful

Guilty Pleasure: Center Stage

(Oh, like you never.)

Film: Sleepers

Movie: Say Anything

Guilty Pleasure: She’s All That

(Oh, like you never…again…)

So. What’re yours?

Film. Movie. Guilty Pleasure.

GO!