“Ma! That’s a newspaper. It’s not for eating!” we heard my dad say to his mother. no smile. no sarcasm. no anger. no frustration. just a matter-of-fact statement. like he says it every day. like it’s nothing out of the ordinary.
and then my sister and i burst out laughing, because, well, it was just so ridiculous. and then it hit us. just how ridiculous this disease is. what it’s done to my grandmother. to her body. to her mind.
she is not my grandmother.
grandma cherie was always a puzzle to me. she wore a lot of track suits. she fed us copious amounts of count chocula cereal. she never forgave her sons for marrying out of the Jewish faith. she left my sister and me by the side of the road once and drove off. she struggled with anorexia for years. she rarely smiled. she always carried her own salad dressings in her purse. she sent me a $75 check for every birthday and Chanukah. she watched a lot of the Young and the Restless. she didn’t hug. or snuggle. or say ‘i love you’. she didn’t cook or bake. she was rude to waitresses. she nicknamed my sister “wanda the witch” and called her that FOR YEARS. she gave me about $1.47 in canadian coins as a wedding gift. no joke. as. a. wedding. gift.
she was a bitter, bitter woman.
and then the Alzheimer’s took over her body.
and suddenly she was nice. and warm. and kind. and hugged. and smiled. and told me she loved me. and loved on my children. and told me that my Emily was never going to get lost in this world.
and then she said it again. and again. and again.
because she couldn’t remember that she was saying it. and slowly she’d forget. and forget some more. and forget some more.
she forgot how much distaste she’d had for my stepmom, who decided that she was going to take care of my grandmother, no matter what. she took her shopping, for lunch, to get her hair done. she took her to movies, to plays, on trips.
and when her mind got more and more confused, my stepmom came more and more often. when my grandmother was moved from the assisted living wing to the full-on care wing, my stepmom came more and more. and she still took her to lunch, and shopping and to get her hair done.
and when she forgot to eat, my stepmom reminded her.
and when she forgot that she loved to watch the Young and the Restless, my stepmom reminded her.
and when she forgot how to dress, my stepmom reminded her.
and when she forgot to use the bathroom, my stepmom changed her.
and when she forgot who i was, my stepmom reminded her. “This is Alicia. Steve’s daughter” and when she forgot who Steve was, my stepmom reminded her. “Steve is your son, Cherie” and when she forgot who my stepmom was, my stepmom reminded her.
and when she forgets that newspaper isn’t food, my stepmom tells her. or my dad tells her. or i tell her.
My grandmother is gone. She is just a shell of a woman. She likes to sit in the sun. She likes to smile at people. and she likes when my stepmom comes to visit her. She likes when my Emily and I come to visit her. Even if she has no idea who my Emily is. and even if Emily doesn’t understand why her greatgrandma doesn’t remember her. and even if the tears well up in my eyes because i just want my grandma back. i want the one who was mean and didn’t smile or hug or cook or bake. the one i am not sure i loved when i was growing up….the one i am not sure i even liked. i just want to laugh about getting $1.47 in canadian change and not about a shitty, shitty disease.
I’m going to echo the comment that this is an amazing tribute to your stepmother – and her wonderful spirit.
I’m sorry you’re watching your grandmother go through this.
Oh Ali. I’ve seen this. Josh’s grandmother. I’ve seen what it did to her body, her mind, her family. I’m so sorry….
I don’t need to say this, but I will: This post was a beautiful, beautiful tribute to who Cheri was, and a powerful portrait of this terrible disease.
And, what an incredible woman your stepmother is. INCREDIBLE. She’s a true hero….
Ali, I’m sorry, I know how much this one sucks. I’ve lost my remaining two grandparents in the last 4 months. I’ll tell you, it’s never easy. No matter what you thought of her. Hugs to you.
This post really got me wondering… if we were taken out of our lives, our memories erased, and thrown back in, would we treat people differently?
My hubby’s grandma was a very bitter woman who took every opportunity to cut me down. When we saw her for the last time after her kidney’s had shut down, she hugged and kissed me and held my hand as we talked. It’s an odd thing to cry over someone who treated you so horribly, I know. As long as she’s alive, there’s always hope that they’ll find a cure or treatment.
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My best friends mom died from Alzhiemers, and it was very hard to visit her, she was like my second mom, but she always remembered who I was, but not her own daughter and I truly think it was because to her…her daughter was a young child..not a full grown woman that was saying she was her daughter. It tore my friend up. Then we did have a laugh when she made me be the one to help her mom get dressed for a wedding, putting her breasts into the bra..it came to me to do it. But it is a horrible way to slowly die, to lose the memories and the knowledge and the personality. And like everyone has said, your step mom is wonderful, not many people will give of themselves for that much time.
Good luck and hang in there and enjoy the little moments when you can.
Such a shit disease to be close to. Sucks ass. Thats all.
It IS shitty. So shitty. I know.
And I’m so sorry.
I am crying because I understand. It is shitty, super shitty.
xo
I can’t even imagine what that must be like for your family. But I have some idea due to your amazing writing. i am so sorry.
Oh Ali, this post totally made me cry. This disease is so insidious and it’s heartbreaking to watch it happen. What a strong person you are, and your stepmom! I just want to hug her and take her out for coffee.
My boyfriend’s Aunt (who raised him) was mean like that when he was growing up but he takes care of her and is there for her similarly now that she is going thru dementia. She doesn’t like me anymore (gets me confused with someone else) so I can’t help like I used to and it kills me to just sit by and do nothing.
This past Christmas he had a few days leave and he spent more than half of it with her and as much as I wanted to spend more time with him, I love him more that he is there for her.
Not to make this all about me, but just to let you know that I get it, and I understand.
xoxo
It is a terrible disease, and I’m sorry someone you care for so much is going through it. In a lot of ways, it is harder on those without the illness than the one suffering.
(But, as an aside? Anorexic who feeds kids copious amounts of Count Chocula? Really?)
Your step-mom is an amazing woman for her patience and dedication.
My mother-in-law has alzheimer’s and taking care of her has been a challenge for my sis-in-law.
When my husband and I started dating, Mom had been a caring, affectionate, even-tempered lady. Since this disease, she is still loving but now has frequent little spikes of angry/frustrated confusion. It’s heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing this. What a crappy disease indeed, but your telling of it made me smile. You have good memories of a true character and it sounds like you’re all lucky to have a strong and supportive family around. Good luck on this journey.
What a beautiful post Ali. I just loved it.
My great-aunt (who is the mother of my aunt that is dying at the moment) is in her later stages of Alzimer’s as well. My step-grandmother died from it about ten years ago.
It’s really hard not to laugh because sometimes it’s jsut so comical, bittersweet I guess.
Truly touching post. My grandfather is going through the same right now and this reading this was very close to my heart, Ali. It’s time to give him a call tomorrow.
What a beautiful post.
My grandmother suffered from dementia (not as bad as having alzheimers), and when she died I asked my Mom about it, she said “I said good-bye to the Mom I knew 3 years ago” Its sad, its Hard, really hard.
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I’m sorry for what the disease has done to your family – but loved the piece.
Very much.
I am so very sorry that your grandmother has to go through this. I know what this is doing to you and your family, and for that I am sorry. I know, because we are going through this with my brother, who is no where near as old as your grandmother and it is hell. Stay strong.
I did like your piece though – and I love the title of the blog – cheaper than therapy is perfect.
oh wow… it is a shitty disease 🙁
I’m sure this was a difficult post to write but thank you for sharing – it’s a beautiful tribute to your grandma. Your stepmom sounds like an amazingly strong and compassionate woman.
I have been very fortunate and none of my family members have suffered from Alzheimer’s. I am extremely grateful for this as Alzheimer’s the one disease that really scares me. I know you don’t have a choice in the matter, and if you did you wouldn’t have chosen the disease to effect your family, but I think you are still very strong and brave for having to go through this. hugs.
A nice tribute to your grandmother, good and bad.
By the time I met my husband’s grandfather, she was gone. A shell. Lost in Alzheimer’s. I always have regretted that I didn’t get to meet the Nona that Dave knew and adored.
This post really hit home for me. It’s beautiful, and it made me tear up.
My grandmother is going through this, too. She has crazy moments of clarity and then… she’s asking who I am and where I grew up. It’s scary and hard and it sucks.
This is such a touching post. When I was younger, one of my friends grandmother’s was in the beginning stages and lived with them. She had her own phone line, and all of her friends had sort of drifted off. So my friend and I would call her from the other line and act like we were her friends so she wouldn’t be lonely. Posing as a 71 year old women when you are 13 is sort of interesting. I had to make up random shit about dentures and such. We kept this up for at least 3 years. Looking back, it was a blast, and I’m glad we did it. It really kept her grandmother happy. (My code name was Opal, btw.)
So sad and so scary. My grandmother had this at the end, and the disease is what made us practically CELEBRATE when my grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer and given just weeks. Celebrate. That’s a crappy, crappy disease, to make liver cancer good news.
My grandpa died Jan1, 2003 after 5 years of hell. Not for him, he was pretty much gone by yer 3 1/2. But hell for my mom and her siblings and for my grandmother, who spent every available moment by his side, doing all the things her would not allow the nurses to do. She fed him, bathed him, changed him, listened to her minister husband curse and watched him strip naked. It is an awful disease and I am truly sorry.
All I have to say is that I have been there and it really sucks. Sorry you have to go through this.
What a lovely, moving post about a really horrible disease. Your stepmother is obviously a very kind woman to set aside the past and give this level of devotion to her ailing mother-in-law. I am so sorry both for the fact that she was not a loving grandmother when you were young, and for what you are going through now. What a great reminder for all of us to live our lives right now they way we WANT to be remembered.
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{{Hug}}
I know exactly how you feel. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s and just the other day I was lamenting the fact that I will never again get an art set 5 years in a row from him…I won’t get anything. Just a shell of the person he used to be. 🙁
It runs in my family. My mother at 63 is now being faced with the same challenge her mother had 25 yrs ago. It is very difficult to deal with. But with love and care they make it through every phase of it.
it runs in my husbands family…on both sides. i hope it skips him. because it’s a horrific illness.
i’m sorry for your family. hugs.