Cheaper Than Therapy

a story of my first time. and my last time.

The Family

i have so much to tell you. this weekend, my bachelorette weekend, was great. it involved many, many, many hours of sleeping. and a manicure (that i didn’t have to be forced to get) and going to see The Dark Knight ALL BY MYSELF (ah..little Ali has grown up…) and much brownie batter (the brownies never did get baked) and a haircut (SIX inches!)

and finding the day dress i’ve been looking for! and finally caving and buying this book because i was feeling left out on twitter…haha.

and the entire family made it home safely from their week at my mom’s house at about 12:30 last night…

…so, there’s lots to tell, but it has to be put on hold. because i promised Dad Gone Mad i would tell you a story (and what Danny says, i do. and not just because i’m jealous of his new book deal). a little story about my first time.

my mom came with me. i was so young, no naive. at a week-shy-of-twenty this was not only new for me, it was frightening as well. i mean, not many people had seen the fullAli (shut up, it’s not THAT many…). and certainly not a WOMAN. (unless you count the showers at camp Moshava, but i most certainly don’t!)

she led me into room #2, told me to get naked. told me to take a bath if i needed to. (what? why would i NEED to take a bath?) and then come out on the other side. where the mikvah was.

IN THE BUCK.

IN FRONT OF HER.

THIS STRANGE LADY THEY CALL ‘THE MIKVAH LADY’

(oh, and ps. my mom was there too. awkward. tangent: do you want to know what’s awkward? looking at the word awkward. its spelled so, well, awkwardly. what’s up with that? end tangent.)

some of you will know what a mikvah is. most of you, i’m gathering will not. some of you know what it is because when Charlotte converts on Sex and the City, she dips in a mikvah.

to the naked (heh. naked) eye, it looks like a mini-pool, yes, but to Orthodox Jews (and some non Orthodox too, we don’t generalize here at Cheaper Than Therapy) it serves as a ritual purification. before a wedding (in my case), after a woman’s period each month, after having a baby. i’ve had friends talk about how wonderful an experience they think it is, and i’ve had friends talk about how its just a nuisance. (either way, i don’t judge. at all. please don’t judge me)

for me, the one and only time i was ever at a mikvah, it was a nightmare.

(we will not get into some of my fundamental issues with the idea that a woman’s body is UNCLEAN and, therefore, in need of a purification.

today it’s just about the story.)

she checked my hands. my hair. my face. my toes. she actually got down on her KNEES to do this part. she told me i had to remove the remnants of the toe polish i had on. once this task was completed, she told me to get in.

so, i went down.

and she was supposed to say ‘kosher’ which would have meant that somehow this ritual dunking in a communal bath (at the time i was trying SO hard not to think about ALL the other naked women who had been in there that day) was complete and i was free to hide my nakedness from this stranger and go about with all the exciting things most females do before weddings.

instead she said

“you hair didn’t go fully under. try again”

and then she said it again.

and then she said it again.

and then she said it again.

and then she grunted a little, getting a little annoyed me with, i think. and then, in a shocking turn of events, she actually GOT INTO THE MIKVAH WITH ME.

(i don’t know if this was allowed. something tells me that it’s completely NOT. i think she just wanted to be done with me)

and that was when i was almost drowned by the mikvah lady.

three times.

and then, in another shocking turn of events, she HUGGED me. and wished me luck on my wedding night. this stranger. who now knew i had c-cups. who now knew the state of affairs of my nether regions. who almost killed me. and made me scared of the mikvah (and maybe of swimming a little bit too) forever. hugged. me. and sent me on my merry way to go forth and have sex and make babies and prosper.

and i knew that i would never be back. and she probably did too.

and so i guess this is a story not just of my first time. it’s a story of my last time, as well.

Comments

  1. Kate says

    I also bought Twilight this weekend and will probably fail my Astronomy test today because of it! The mikvah (of which I had never heard) sounds “interesting” and in your first experience, a little creepy. Can you imagine the lady’s resume? “Mikvah attendant: 1985-2003”

    Kates last blog post..A Break to Blog

    Reply

  2. Sarah says

    Omg .. I would have died – well, you do what you have to do!
    that was such a funny story .. I was gasping, then shocked, then crying with laughter!!
    btw .. I want to hear about the weekend – and you’re haircut .. pics please!!

    Reply

  4. anne says

    o.k. so I know I am really bad about leaving comments, but I must comment today! I am dying of laughter. Seriously laughing out loud. joshy just came in to ask me what was so funny. I can totally relate to this mikveh story!!

    Reply

  6. Dad Gone Mad says

    There’s nothing normal about being Jewish, is there? That’s just an awesome story, Ali. Awesome. Mazel Tov and all that.

    But can we discuss the animated Asian gusher for a second? WTF? The thing in the upper left corner looks like a lamb, and that just strikes me odd.

    Reply

  8. AJ says

    I am trying so hard not to laugh out loud and wake up my kids. I NEED them to sleep! haha Hilarious! And, might I say, enlightening, because I’ve never heard of the mikvah!

    Seriously though, what the ?? is up with that picture!! Now we’re all going to picture little japanimation creatures flying from our vajayjays every month!

    Loving the hair, btw! I have serious hair envy when it comes to you! 😛

    Reply

  9. Maya says

    I dont remember too much about my Mikvah night- and it was 3 years ago!

    All I remember is trying to hide my tiny back tattoo from the mikvah lady (since she was my grandmother’s neighbor) and running into the mikvah so that no one would see me naked. I was so thin then!

    Mayas last blog post..Guess who has teeth?

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  11. LAVENDULA says

    Ali i love your hair cut.its so fab! hey i’m glad my moon cycle doesn’t produce a gusher like that pic hahaha! i remember that sex and the city episode of charlottes mikvah. fascinating.and a little freaky.was it wrong to be laughing at you while reading about it? and the TWILIGHT series of books are awesome! my teen girl loves them ! so i’ve been reading and really enjoying them. we went to chapters on august 1 at midnight to pick up her pre-ordered copy of breaking dawn.enjoy the book

    Reply

  16. Britt says

    Your hair looks so cute. OMGosh!!

    I totally know what a mikvah is! Yes! Me! Because I am fascinated by Judaism.

    I can’t believe that the mikvah lady got in with you. How funny! (and awkward) I’m sure you were traumatized at the time, but it makes a hilarious story now!

    Reply

  21. swirl girl says

    Now you’ve done it…you’ve let everyone know our little secret and now everyone will want their own mikvah.
    Like we weren’t different enough? Seriously – not every jewish girl had a mikvah. Only those who are orthodox or who become jewish by injection (converts).

    the anime is hysterical, but wrong, wrong, wrong!

    Reply

  23. Sarah says

    The mikvah story disturbs me. The nakedness, the lady, the whole thing. Can’t handle it.

    But oh my goodness. Your hair. Is stunning. I am dying of jealousy over here. Please, tell me everything (the products, the tools). I am jealous of your hair’s beauty. That is all.

    Reply

  24. ohmommy says

    LOVE your hair. It looks amazing.

    This post is a perfect example of why I like to read blogs. Fascinating. I find it so cool to learn about others firsts and lasts and everything inbetween.

    ohmommys last blog post.."OH, HI OH!"

    Reply

  28. regan says

    I’ve always thought I might like being Jewish, but now I see that I would not like it at all. Religions that involve nakedness are not for me.

    And that is the best graphic ever.

    Reply

  31. differentkindofgirl says

    – I used to go to the movies alone a lot, and loved it!

    – your haircut is gorgeous

    – I hope you don’t regret spending the money for that book…

    – I ALWAYS have to look up the spelling of awkward

    – anime creeps me out

    – I could no way do what you did!!

    also? your haircut is gorgeous again!

    differentkindofgirls last blog post..don’t call us, we’ll call you

    Reply

  33. Tali says

    I got mikvah water up my nose and choked. All three times.
    I guess that means I’m extra holy because mikvah water flows through me.

    But all in all, I kindof liked it. I find it WAAAAY less awkward (ha) than getting a wax, lying all naked on the table with a magnifying glass between the esthetician’s face and your nethers.

    Reply

  36. Karly says

    People do this every month?? Dang. That would SUCK. And she inspected your TOES? Weird, man.

    And when you said you were going to tell us about your first time I totally did not think you meant what you meant. And then you said your mom was there as well and I was a bit confused. LOL!

    Karlys last blog post..Putting My Evil To Good Use

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  38. Bronnie says

    I will have to come back and read the whole entry when I have time – just wanted to tell you that your hair (& you) look absolutely gorgeous!!
    LOVE IT! x

    Reply

  39. Kelley says

    If you could see me right now you would not believe the look on my face. Sorta laughing horrified.

    totally scared my kid.

    And I caved and bought that damned book too. Haven’t opened it yet. It better be good for all the Twittering it has got!

    Reply

  45. Redneck Mommy says

    My love has forever grown exponentially for you after you posted that disturbing cartoon.

    Heh.

    I’m sorry. But I laughed my arse off at that story.

    And C-cups? Damn woman. I knew I loved you for a reason.

    Wink.

    Reply

  46. Theoda says

    Um…it’s been a while since I visited your lovely blog & THIS is what I see…ha! Ok…hair is ROCKIN’
    Gushergirl cartoon is scary.
    The mikvah story…well that was something else altogether. Question though…what does a woman do if they are deathly afraid of being underwater even for a moment? There are those folks out there like my Mum. Talk about trauma. I’m glad you can share the story with us at least. You are too funny Ali.

    Reply

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